At the moment

and back again

2005-07-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well... I'm home.

It's rather odd - I feel more overwhelmed now than I did during the last weeks of school. There were so many things that I told myself I would do "after graduation." It is now "after graduation" and the list looms large and immediate.

I keep thinking about Frodo and Sam in the LotR. In the books, they returned home to find the shire under siege and they had one last heroic task to complete (together with Merry and Pippin) - to rid the shire of the scourge that "Sharky" had brought. Once they had completed that task, all that was really left for Frodo was to write his memoirs. The shire was saved and returned to what it had been but he was unable to return to what he had been - he was too much changed. Bilbo too was so changed by his own journey and his possession of the ring that he was also unable to return to what he had been. In their story, the time came for them to leave the shire and go on one last journey to the Grey Havens.

I'm not implying that it is time for me to leave and "go on one last journey" (not some long time yet) - but I do feel that I have changed while much of my surroundings have not. I wonder what that will lead too - it seems that it should lead to something or other.

For now - I'm just trying to get my house in order, literally. There is so very much to do - organize the kitchen (since I just sort of threw things in cupboards and drawers when I moved in last year), clean up all the wood in the back yard and begin to plan my garden, paint a mural, paint the kitchen door and do the stained glass work, re-do the kitchen floor, set up the guest room, and on and on. Oh - and get a dog... a border collie of course... hopefully one that likes to dance (seriously... canine freestyle heel-work to music... Google it).

I do think I'm going to close this blog and return to my Live Journal site. Blogger.com has been fun, but even after a year LJ still feels more like home... there is a real community there and I'm am somehow part of it even if I've been mostly absent for some time.

For those who do read this blog - you might want to visit my LJ site. If you are interested in LJ - send me an e-mail and I'll send you the link.

**PLEASE NOTE** I've removed the LJ link from this post AND I've turned off the comment ability for anyone who is not a member of this specific Blog. Unfortunately, there are SPAMMERS trolling Blogger.com and leaving SPAM advertisements as comments in other people's blogs. I find this practice truly distasteful. Rather than take the time to police the comments in this Blog - I've moved all current journal (and future journal) entries back to my LJ account (LJ has much better security regarding spammers and their ilk).

I've left this Blog up for review and reflection purposes - but there will be no new posts and no new comments.

**And - can I just say once again how funny it is that the spell checker built into blogger doesn't recognize the word blog until you tell it to.

A little diversion

2005-06-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ok... I've concentrated my efforts on my ARP Blog since April - but this is a fun little diversion I spent some time with tonight and thought I would share for any interested...

80's Lyrics Quiz: People are What?

And my results:

Your generation stuck mine with a motherload of cultural horrors (bradys! disco! plaid! roller skating!). -30% for being a yuppie.
5 point bonus for telling me where you saw this. Thanks!

Final Score: 95.3

yeah... I'm not ashamed to admit it.. .I was singing along while filling these out... and now I really want to go to Zia Records and find them all on [used] CDs. :)

You should try it too!

Break-ins and Beethoven

2005-03-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a week... full of highs and lows and the inevitable, ubiquitous inbetweens.

I'm an aunt again... my newest nephew is a week old yesterday.... That made for an exciting weekend (last weekend). He was born at home and despite some family concerns - the birth went perfectly - or so I'm told... I was not there to witness the actually birth but I did get to see him a few hours later.

Two days later (while I was at work... since I walk to work) my car was broken into. I have nothing of value in the car (other than the car itself). Because I have nothing of value, the thieves didn't steal much... but they (or he... or she... or it) managed to do some significant damage to the passenger door (in order to gain access to the interior of the car) and then completed demolished the glove compartment. In the process of demolishing the glove compartment either by accident or design, they did take the glove box latch. I'm still not sure why it was necessary to rip the entire glove compartment door apart and then rip half way through the bottom of the glove compartment. In some ways it is ironic... if they were really only after the latch... then they did several hundred dollars of damage in order to walk away with a $17 part... a $17 part that with the proper tools is very easy (and quick) to remove w/o doing any damage (I know this because I had to replace that very same latch a few years ago and I did it myself while I was out of town).

Ah well... insurance will cover the repairs and in the end I'll have a new door panel and a new glove compartment (both of which will probably rattle less than the originals which were getting very old)... but it still sucks that there are people in the world that will enter someone else's property just to do damage and take stuff that isn't theirs. It makes me sad more than anything else. ... well... first it makes me angry, really angry... then, after some time to think about it .... it makes me sad. In the end though... there is really little I can do... other than but a huge barbed wire fence around my property and booby-trap it... and I don't want to do that. I still love my house and my neighborhood... in some ways this inspires me to pay even more attention to the "goings on" around the neighborhood... I found myself walking around the neighborhood several times this week... just establishing that I belong here and getting to know my surroundings even better. I've met several of the neighbors and I just have to let this inspire me to meet more of them.... that's the only way to combat things like this... build and nurture a community.

Anyone who has read thus far is probably wondering where the Beethoven is... other than in the title...

A couple of nights ago I went to the Symphony with my mom. My parents have season tickets (we have a truly phenomenal local Symphony Orchestra - worthy of a true mecca). My father dislikes choral music to the point of truly despising it.... I've never understood why - as I find few things more transcendent than listening to a multitude of voices raised in harmony. I feel it deep in my soul almost as much as I feel percussion. This week the Symphony presented Beethoven's 9th (including the final movement - "An die Freude" "Ode to Joy"). Of course - the final movement is choral – so I was invited to take my father’s seat. Of course, I accepted the invitation. I’ve never heard the 9^th performed live, so this was to be a real treat. We arrived early because in addition to having a remarkable symphony, we have the privilege to have a truly gifted conductor who gives short “talks” as a prelude to the evenings show. This evening, of course, was about Beethoven. He did not speak only of the 9^th though, he spoke of Beethoven in general. Having studied classical piano for over 10 years and having taking several music history classes in both high school and college, I know something of this history but it was still brilliant to listen to. Our conductor said one thing which has stayed with me through the entire weekend. He talked about Beethoven’s introduction of the harmonic 9^th into his composition (B flat)… he spoke of how radical, how revolutionary, that was. In the 1800’s, harmonics were not common place. How shocking, how ear (and mind) expanding it must have been to hear a harmonic for the first time. People were flattened by it (no pun intended) – they were blown over (or blown away). It was a shock… and now only a couple of hundred years later it is so common place that we don’t even consider that there was a time when it wasn’t part of our musical vocabulary. All weekend this has been in my head and I keep mulling it over and wondering what the new shock will be. Is there anything today that can shake us the way Beethoven shook the people of his time with this simple note? And – will that shock be a revelation? Will it inspire further evolution? Or will we try to censor it, suppress it, and crush it out of some kind of false sense of protection?

Ok… that’s enough wandering thoughts for tonight…

Thought for the day.

2005-03-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Morning Edition on NPR this morning included a brief interview with Donald E. Knuth (super famous in geekdom... author of the many volumes of The Art of Computer Programming... Professor at Stanford University... all around brilliant human being).

During the interview, he was asked if he believed in God. His response was yes. More interesting to me though was what followed that response. He said that he hoped that the existence of God was never proved because if there was proof, then he would simply memorize the proof and stop thinking about it. The implication was (to me) that the whole point of "God" (I'm not talking "religion" now... just "God") is to continue to think, ponder, and reflect. So - along those same lines (for those of us who may not spend a great deal of time pondering the existence of an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, creator being) the answer to "what is the meaning of life" or "why does the universe exist" or "what is my place in the universe" or any of those other transcendent questions are not meant to be found. These questions are not asked so that we may find the one true solution to the riddle... these questions (like Zen Koans) are asked so that we may continue to think, ponder, and reflect.

Enduring understanding

2005-03-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Had a long IM chat w/ a fellow cadre member today - about the culmination project for EDC665.

I think trying to help him see where the enduring understanding might be in his project helped me come closer to defining it for mine. I'm not entirely sure it helped him though... it seemed several times that we were each talking about very different things... talking around each other but not really with each other...

One thing is for sure though - we are both in our own way over thinking things... and I recognized in his plan some of the same potential misdirection that was in mine. Ironic really - we talked of why the concept he wants to teach is perceived as something that is so often not well understood. One of the reasons for that is that there are some very common misconceptions associated with the topic. Yet... both of us in our own way demonstrated some serious misconceptions in the way we were approaching this project itself. I'm still not sure I really helped him see that... but it certainly became clearer for me and for that I'm quite thankful.

What I came to really understand as we talked is that this curriculum that I create must provide the learner with the guidance, resources, and support by which they will construct their own understanding of the concept (or concepts) I have in mind. I am not giving them the enduring concept itself... I'm helping them develop that concept by doing the various activities that I make part of my curriculum. The final activity will be the thing that demonstrates how they have constructed that concept for themselves. So, my curriculum (and syllabus) doesn't have to be presented with any super fancy technology and/or media solutions... I don't need to create from scratch all the content (including text, flash demos, and whatever else I might want).... in fact... I shouldn't do that... why re-invent the wheel... why give the learner everything they need presented on a nice clean silver platter? That isn't the point and that isn't the best way to help them construct their knowledge anyway.

Another beautiful realization - this project is our "artifact" that will demonstrate for Dr. K that we have constructed for ourselves the enduring understandings for this course. Nice synchronicity - a true thing of beauty.

Which brings me to my own enduring understanding... the one that I want to somehow help my students construct. I has to do with beauty... but more than that... it has to do with the creation of something that is greater than the sum of its parts. I've spent my walks to and from work over the last few days trying to articulate for myself what the enduring understanding is that I want my learners to construct by learning about and how to make origami. I kept going round and round with myself... I want them to create a box... but I also want them to put some thought and creativity into the design of the box... the pieces have to be constructed in a specific way but they can be fit together in a variety of ways AND they can be made out of an even wider variety of paper designs and colors. I also want them to have at least some exposure to where Origami comes from and why so many people enjoy practicing it. The more I thought about it... the more complicated I made it... the more things I added because I somehow thought just making a box isn't enough... there must be more to it than that.

After my conversation w/ my cadre-mate this afternoon - I again reflected on my project as I walked home (walking to/from work really is such a wonderful opportunity for reflection). This time - before I could get all caught up in the complexity of it - I asked myself a simple but very important question. Why do I love practicing origami so much? Then - I realized that although that question was close... it wasn't complete... the complete question was: Why do I love origami and why do I currently enjoy making boxes so much? I tried to empty my thoughts (beginner mind again) and open myself up to the most basic answer to this question. My initial thought was - the boxes are beautiful to me and I enjoy creating things that are beautiful. Ok... nice... but beauty is relative and I don't think my personal definition of beauty is the enduring understanding that I want to teach here... after all... each person must find their own personal sense of beauty... Ok... I think I'm getting warmer.... Then I started thinking about what goes into the construction of a box... 16 pieces of paper (if it is an octagon... 8 if it is a square) - the same exact set of folds for all 8 (or 4) pieces that make up the top, another set of identical folds for the pieces that make up the bottom of the box. Each fold in itself is rather un-remarkable... none of the folds that make up the parts of either the square or octagon box are all that complicated. Each part is not all that remarkable either... they don't look like much of anything yet. BUT... when you link the parts together to make the top and the bottom of the box... suddenly you have something that is beautiful, intricate, and appears to be quite complex. ...much warmer now... This took me back to origami in general... you start with this simple and even rather ordinary square of paper... you make a few precise yet not all that remarkable folds... you make a few more... you unfold and re-fold and manipulate... and then you have something quite remarkable (a crane, a frog, a shirt, a flower, etc). Each thing taken by itself is not much... each set out next the other is still not all that much... but put them all together and you have something much more interesting than you might have guessed. This is a true example, a tangible example of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. ...boy... I can feel the heat now... The box is an especially elegant example of this because even after you've made all the necessary folds to each set of paper squares... you still have 4 or 8 separate constructions that don't look like all that much... but as you fit each one into the next something pretty amazing happens... and when you lock the last piece in... there is a sort of metamorphosis and all these separate, unremarkable pieces become something so much greater than you would expect from the pieces.

So - enduring understanding... unremarkable bits can create great things. Ok that isn't a very elegant way of putting it... but someone else already coined the phrase "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts." That seems so simple that part of me thinks it must not be right... and then I have to laugh at myself for once again trying to over-think and over-complicate things.

The ABC's are still there... to truly construct the understanding - the learner has to do more than just make a box... there are other "parts" that must be incorporated... an understanding that there is a rich history behind the art of paperfolding, the consideration of color theory and design (for the patterns and colors of paper to combine), the meditative state that can be experienced while making all the parts (focusing on the exact and precise folding), the creativity that can be expressed even while following an exact pattern of folds and manipulations.

So - is that it... or am I being too esoteric about my enduring understanding? I don't think so... this just feels to right... but I will sleep on it before I post my responses to Dr. K's questions on Bb.

Mid-Term Reflection or "Still Awaiting My Wings."

2005-03-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

The task - reflect on how well I'm attaining the goals for the class (EDC665)...

Not such an easy task... because it is difficult to distinguish what I am learning from one single class... everything in OMET is connected...

So much of these last seven months has been about creating and refining my own essential questions regarding learning and teaching objectives. A most profound self-discovery came last term when I began to not only recognize but also be able to articulate the difference between the goals of "education" and the goals of "training." This term I've have refined that distinction even further - especially when looking at task-based training vs. more open ended training and "soft-skills" training. I now find myself evaluating each project I work on first for where it is on that spectrum... is the essential outcome simply the correct performance of a task or is it something larger, broader, deeper, and/or more complex. This has led me to make a very small, somewhat subtle, yet extremely important change in the initial questions I ask when I'm tasked with creating a new learning event.

In the past, before OMET, I would ask (ask myself and also ask the other "stakeholders.") "What are the objectives? What concepts should we cover in this course?" Now... instead... my initial question is "What do you want the learner to walk away being able to do? What do you want the learner to walk away being able to explain to someone else?" This change in my thinking snuck up on me. It started with how I changed my approach to designing assessments for the courses I write... I have always linked assessment items to the objectives... but I finally started taking a closer look at what defined the objectives and then began working backwards from the assessment items rather than forwards from the objectives (thank you Mr. Wiggins and Mr. McTighe). Once I internalized that approach - I began finding that I HAD to ask those questions at the beginning of the design phase or even during the envisioning phase if I'm part of a project at that point. We have a four phase process for our instructional design/development cycle... Envision, Design, Develop, Stabilize. The one phase that I think we are missing is the phase that comes after Stabilization - the one where you re-evaluate the learning event to determine what is and isn't working and then adjust accordingly... we also don't have a well realized sunset phase which is another issue... but these are things to reflect on later.

The use of technology itself is not as much of a challenge for me in my current professional environment - as we are almost exclusively training our learners how to use technology and we use technology to produce the training. We have a certain set of tools available to us (various authoring tools, simulation creation tools, image editing tools, illustration tools, etc) and we have a fairly clear and consistent set of guidelines as to which tools to use for what. The challenge for me now has become - "how do I evolve past that set of basic guidelines?". How to I evolve in my approach to both design (the writing/storyboarding) and development (the programming... the using of the tools)? I am no longer satisfied with just taking a basic approach to simulations and lesson design. I want to try new things in my courses - find new ways of engaging the learner... find a way to create multiple pathways for the learner to follow. For me - this is the challenge of using the technology... because - I now know enough to quickly produce certain types of learning events... but if I'm going to personally learn more, then I have to find a way to challenge myself to take my use of the technology to ever higher levels.

There is another facet to this challenge - like so many other corporations (and probably schools too) we are being called on to produce more and more, faster and faster. "Rapid Learning Development" ("Rapid eLearning Development," "Rapid Development Tools," etc). My work in OMET, my reflections on how I learn, my new and evolving understanding of curriculum (the ABC (Affective, behavioral, and cognitive), Enduring Concepts, Big Ideas, etc) has caused me to question the validity of "Rapid Learning Development." Maybe "Rapid Task-based Training Development" would be ok with me... but I am extremely uncomfortable with the very idea of "Rapid Learning Development" and with the idea that if we just find the right technology (the right rapid development tool) we will be able to create more faster (notice that I don't say "better"). I'm told by some that this is just a case of semantics (training vs learning) - but the more I learn, the more I reflect on learning, the more I am convinced that this is absolutely NOT just semantics. This is a very important distinction. This is one of my personal enduring concepts. This is also part of why I have begun to question whether or not I am in the right place (professionally). I am so much more passionate about learning than I am about training... but I think I had to immerse myself in both worlds to understand the difference.

For now - I continue to develop training... but I also find that I continuously look for opportunities to be a part of a learning environment. I try to encourage and facilitate learning in my workplace (not just training), I try to encourage and facilitate it outside of my workplace, and I try to encourage and facilitate it within myself.

This course - especially the readings and the discussions in both blackboard and TI has been a further catalyst (as the whole OMET program has) for my evolution of thought. Currently - I feel a bit like a caterpillar who is not quite at the point of leaving the cocoon - I've changed so much but I expect that there are still some very remarkable changes to come.

Reflections on learning and leading.

2005-03-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize this term that I much prefer instructors who involve themselves in the learning community - not simply as the providers of "information" but also as learners themselves. I appreciate the example that sets and I value the fact that they are actively involved in learning and are willing to share that experience with the community. It seems obvious that I would prefer this type of approach to the "sage on the stage" approach where an instructor dispenses knowledge for the students to receive and learn. What is suppressing though (or ... rather... Enlightening) is that I also prefer this involved approach to the more "removed" "guide on the side" approach. I honestly believe in the constructivist model and I know that I find the greatest value in learning from within a constructivist environment... but I find that I don't care for a constructivist environment where the "instructor" is too far removed, disassociated, or set apart from the learning community.

When the instructor sets up the initial context for learning and questioning and then just "stands back" and lets things take shape... and doesn't (or seems to not) involve himself/herself in the construction of knowledge that takes place, I get frustrated and even somewhat discouraged. When this happens - I begin to feel that the instructor is following a very rigid curriculum that is not living and evolving - so the curriculum is not flexible and does not move with the community's construction of their own knowledge. Then - even if the assignments are important and do relate the enduring concepts the instructor intends - they seem not to relate to what is actually happening in the community.

This term has provided me with some excellent examples of both types of instructional strategy and has provided me with several opportunities to better understand how these different methods affect my own attitude toward what I am learning. I find that when I perceive that the instructor is purposefully removing themselves from the community (or setting themselves apart), I'm less likely to be 100% involved because I'm often questioning (in my own mind) the instructors reasoning for not being involved. At first, I tend to want to move the discussion along, post something thought provoking to engender more discussion... but eventually I loose interest and simply answer whatever questions the instructor initial posts and consider it done. I've notices the same inclination in the cadre as a whole. Threads that have the potential to inspire multi-dimensional discussions become rather flat and uninteresting... become just a series of answers to the original question or questions.

When I look back at last term - I realize that we had a variation of both types of instruction at that time as well... BUT the difference is that the instructor who became somewhat removed from the community by the end of the term was highly involved at the beginning of the term and so the precedent for active and multi-faceted discussion was well established and did not dissipate when the instructor's direct and regular involvement waned. We missed that instructor's direct input (and even discussed that amongst ourselves) but our penchant for deep discussion was firmly in place and that did not change.

Now - I'm left wondering how best to apply this to my own practice. Currently, I design on-line, task-based instruction... or design templates do not provide the opportunity for any kind of instructor involvement beyond the initial design and development... I'm not sure there is a place for it either. But - I can try to be more aware of how I involve myself in my professional community of practice (my team of colleagues here at work). It is, I'm sure, important to be an actively learner within that community and to involve the rest of the community in that learning. I think too, this lesson can be applied to leadership styles... leaders that remove themselves too much from those they are leading may not be as successful (at least not for me) as leaders that involve themselves directly in the community. I'm actually noticing this trend at work right now... more and more our direct manager is removing himself from our community of practice... and more an more I hear my colleague's frustration with this. Quite often I hear the sentiment that "he has no idea what it is that we do and absolutely no idea how we go about doing it." Ironically - this situation has caused us to tighten our internal team bonds... which has helped us work together but has also separated us further from him (our manager). I'm not sure this is a positive thing... but I'm also not yet sure how to remedy it.

Perspective

2005-02-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Perspective... we all need a dose of it now and then... more than we think.

I went to my friend's 50th birthday party tonight. Nice to get out of the house for a while. Nice to dress up in something other than "work clothes," "performance costumes," "workout clothes," or "hanging out at home doing homework clothes." I almost forgot what it was like to put on nice fancy clothes, some non-stage make-up, some real (rather than costume) jewelry, and spend time with adults who aren't talking about work or school.

I saw my other friend and her husband there. I haven't seen them for a bit over a year (since she sold her share of the restaurant where I perform... since the holidays right after that when we all walked Winterhaven to look at the lovely lights). She just became a citizen of the US not too long ago. We talked of her and her husbands business, children, and the family that is still in Baghdad. I asked how they were, almost fearing the answer. They are "surviving," as she said.
We hear all these stories, watch and read all this news, and think that we have access to all the information and that we know what is happening. We don't. To hear it from the perspective of someone who lives there, was born there and lives there, is not a soldier from another country, is not a member of the press, is not a member (or wannabe member) of the new government, is not a member of some insurrectionist group, is not a foreigner trying to help, but is just a "normal" person who is trying to live in their home town -- that is when you hear what maybe the most real story.

They are surviving. They have phones most of the time and so they can keep in touch with their family (my friends). They have electricity about 1 hour every 24 to 48 hours (and this is right in the city of Baghdad... this is not out in the country or in one of the more "dangerous" areas)... sometimes they have electricity for 2 hrs. Some nights, they don't sleep at all because of all the shooting and explosions. They go out only when they absolutely have to (fortunately my friend and her husband are able to send their family some food and supplies and most of it gets to them so far). The don't stay in only because of the shooting and explosions... they don't stay in because they are afraid of the soldiers either. They stay in because those who live there but have family living elsewhere are now in constant danger of being kidnapped and held for ransom. A friend of my friend recently had to come up with over $100,000.00 to pay for his brother's ransom so that his brother would not be killed. Another friend of my friend didn't have enough $$, couldn't get enough $$, and so his cousin was killed by the kidnappers because the ransom didn't' come. It is very dangerous there now, for everyone who is left. No one is safe.

The irony is that while everyone knew Saddam was bad, while he was in power those who lived there knew whether or not they were safe (my friends of course were not... that is why they are here in the US... they came her long before 9/11 to escape the danger that was there for them). But - you knew if you were in danger or not... and you knew in general what kind of danger you were in.... and some who were in danger could escape (like my friends... and like my other friend who is from Kuwait... who came here to care for his sister's children because she died from the chemicals that Saddam attacked the Kuwaities with). So yes... Saddam was a very bad man and many people were in grave danger, many people were persecuted, tortured, and killed when he was in power. Yes... it is a good thing that he is no longer in power. BUT - what we don't hear, what we are not told, what we may not understand, is that now that he is gone... EVERYONE there is in danger... and no one knows for sure where the danger will come from and when it will strike, so everyone is scared all the time. The media that we are privy too makes it seem like it is about whether one is Sunnis or Shia... but really, it is as much about whether or not there is a perception that someone in your family has money for which you might be ransomed.

We are so blessed and so sheltered here in so many ways... right down to the news that is provided for us. You have to work to find the other perspectives... we may be free... our press maybe free... we may, theoretically, have access to whatever information we want... but that information from all perspectives is not provided to us in an obvious way... even if we make an effort to listen to something other than the Morning and/or Evening news... even if we watch the Daily Show... even if we listen to NPR and read the New York Times... we need to dig deeper... with the freedom that we have comes a responsibility to find out what is really going one. With this freedom comes a responsibility to ASK QUESTIONS. It isn't as simple as "believe" or "don't believe" what you are told, what you read, what you see on teevee. You have to seek the knowledge out... and when you find it you have to ask more questions. The more opportunity you have, the more responsibility you have to take advantage of that opportunity. I think we forget that... I know I forget it sometimes.

I have no profound observations other than that... I just wanted to write it down so that I would not forget.

Digging in the dirt.

2005-02-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

I planted flowers today.

Wild flowers for the humming birds, butterflies, and bees in the back yard... Sunflowers in front of the house (S/E corner and S. side).

The soil was soft from days of winter/spring rain, the sun was warm, and the day just asked to be used for planting. There is something rejuvenating and relaxing about digging in the dirt. It is one of the few tasks that truly clears my head from rambling thoughts of all that is right and wrong in the world. As I plant, I imagine myself as this little old yet somehow ageless woman squatting near the ground, preparing the soil, planting the seed, gently covering it back up and soaking it with delicious water. In my head, I plan the vegetable and herb garden that I will plant next year. I wanted to plant one this year but realized that between school and work, I would not have the time necessary to seed, nurture, and harvest - so that garden waits for me still.

Next comes the anticipation... days or weeks of waiting for the seedlings to show their first fragile shoots and leaves above the soil line... And just when you think some clever bird must have found all you precious seeds, a small bit of green peeks out of the ground and turns itself toward the sun.

I hope that the sunflowers thrive where I placed them. I imagine what the corner of my little house will look like dappled with their lovely yellow faces turning to watch the sun. It is odd - my favorite colors used to purple, burgundy, and green - they still are among my favorites, but each year Yellow and Orange move closer to the top of the list.

Means without End

2005-02-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Yoga is my sanctum (one of many in fact). Bikram yoga is my current yoga of choice - I like the heat, I like the flow and the meditative nature of doing the same set of poses over and over again, and (most important) I love the community and instructors at the Bikram studio I belong to. Ironic since I don't currently hold a great deal of respect for Bikram the man - his actions in the last year or two seem in direct opposition to the nature of yoga.

I've been practicing yoga of one form or another for years now, so sometimes I take it's depth a bit for granted. The physical lessons are obvious and tangible, but I forget the connection between that and the life lessons it also teaches.

Tonight was my first night back after several weeks. I was sick before FETC and so took some time off from the studio (as much to not bring my sickness to others as to let my body recover). Then, I was out of town and completely caught up in all that was OMET at FETC. I returned home only to succumb to yet another nasty virus (flu this time). So - nearly four weeks without a visit to the studio (I kept up my hatha practice at home when I was feeling up to it). It seems that whenever I take time away from something (yoga is only one example) - it return to it with the eyes of a beginner and learn many lessons anew.

Tonight I remembered and learned (again) one of my favorite lessons from yoga. It isn't the End that justifies the Means, it is the Means that justify the End... and more importantly ... the Means can stand on their own, they don't need an End to justify or be justified by.

To put it another way - yoga is one of the best ways I know to truly understand that the important thing isn't "getting there." The important thing is what you do to get there ( wherever "there" might be). The poses teach us this. There is the ideal of the perfect form that we all can't help but keep in our thoughts. As we move our body into each pose, we approach that form in our own way. It is the moving into the pose that is as important (or even more so) than holding the pose itself. If you move into a pose to quickly, you may not set it up right, your energy may not move through the right parts of your body, your muscles and joints may not align in a beneficial way, your breathing my become irregular or forced. So, you must start slow, move deliberately, with mindfulness and attention. You never reach a place where there is nothing left to do - that is why it is called a "practice" and not a "performance." You are always reaching a little more (or less), trying to balance, trying to level your hips or shoulders, trying to expand or contract something else. If I could strike every pose perfectly every time with no preparation or work, then what would be the point? The End isn't the point at all... it is the journey toward it where I grow, evolve, and learn. That is what practice is about.

So - how does this relate to life? If I view my life as a journey (which I do) - then that might seem to imply that there is some destination (perfection) and that my journey is a means to that end (that perfect destination). The lessons of yoga remind me again and again that the journey itself is the destination... that each moment is its own perfection without being an end and that the journey doesn't stop there - it just keeps going. So - maybe I should view life as "a practice" - just as I see yoga that way.

Now - if I could just view traffic that way. :)

The fuzzy head hears things differently

2005-02-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

Being sick can have some advantages (although I am quite tired of being sick and quite ready to be healthy again). Everything slows down little and the world seems just slightly off center. Maybe that is why I find the following two quotes some how related.

Ossie Davis died today. NPR did a short little story in his honor and I listened to it twice (laying in bed half asleep, trying to ignore my stuffy head and painful eyes). Ossie Davis (and his wife) was an African-American actor and activist of superior quality. This world was greater because he was part of it. He once said "...we can't float through life, we can't be incidental or accidental. It is the consistency of the pursuit of the highest possible vision that gives you the way to understand where you are and why it is important for you to do what you can do." What an amazing soul to understand that, to speak it, and to live it.

Later - I finally rose from my bed, cleaned up the house a bit, took a shower, did some work (homework and workwork), made some food, and sat down again to rest and breathe. I turned on the tv to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (don't diss it if you haven't watched it - it is a unique, creative, well written, and well acted show with just the right dash of farce). It was the season one episode where you could only see the monster if you had a very high fever - rather ironic that I should watch that one today. In it Cordelia has one of her famous lines - one where she seems stupid at first but then you realize that she is cleverer than you initially give her credit for. She is accused of being tactless and responds: "Tact is just not saying true stuff."

So, what's the connection? Maybe it's just that I'm fuzzy in the head - but I think that not floating through life, not being incidental or accidental means that sometimes you have to be tactless... you have to say the "true stuff" and let the chips fall.

That's it for now. I'm out.

Initial Thoughts on the Green Brick

2005-02-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

Being at home sick provides one with more time to read and yet less ability to focus - so I am appreciative of the summaries provided at the end of each section on "What is Instructional-Design Theory" as well as how these summaries build on each other. I also appreciate that the author of this section acknowledges early on that some decisions (on Instructional-Design) might be best made by the learner while engaged in the actual learning. I find it interesting (but I'm not sure if it is helpful) that the Mr. Reigeluth feels it is necessary to break everything down in to nice, neat, unique little boxes. It makes sense as a way of defining all the elements but as I read it, I feel like I'm missing something holistic (the "big picture) and find that I keep telling myself to give it a chance to come together later.

Given how completely each aspect is separated from another (learning goals vs desired instructional outcomes, instructional-design theory vs instructional-design process, etc) - I find it surprising that at the outset the Reigeluth indicated that "Instructional Theory" and "Instructional-Design Theory" would be used interchangeably "...for the sake of brevity." ( I assume that it was Reigeluth who wrote the Forward for Unit 1, since he is the editor of the book) . I can't help but question whether "Instructional Theory" suggests a "decision oriented theory" while "Instructional-Design Theory" suggests a "design oriented theory" (a distinction that is important in the context of this book, or at least important to Reigeluth in the context of chapter 1). He claims it is because "many people use the term 'instructional theory' with the same meaning as instructional design theory." Given his tone in chapter one and the attention applied to clearly defining what each term does and doesn't mean, I find it out of character that the he would do this.

Finally - the last of the three bullet points at the top of the first page ("Some issues about instructional-design theories that are of interest to researchers and some of interest to practitioners) seems to imply that there are issues that would be of interest to researchers and not to practitioners and vise versa. I can't help but wonder if this dichotomy between the researcher and the practitioner is healthy for educational theories in general. Later in the first chapter, Reigeluth seems to criticize that very attitude. In the section on why instructional-design theory is important, he includes the following quote from Posgrow: "The feeling is widespread in the REAR community that its responsibility is to produce general theory and that it is up to practitioners to figure out how to apply the theory." It is unclear to me whether Posgrow believes this himself or is simply explaining a prevalent opinion within the REAR community. What is clear to me is that Reigeluth recognizes this attitude as one belonging to those who are interested in decision oriented theories (as opposed to design oriented theories) and that he further believes that it is important for researchers such as those in the REAR community to spend more time and energy developing design oriented theories.

So - I'm left wondering... are researchers generally drawn to decision oriented theories? Are practitioners generally drawn to design oriented theories? Is it possible to combine the focus or is it really one or the other? What about the practitioner as researcher?

What High School Learned Me

2005-01-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of this assignment as an "essay" on what was wrong with High School... I think the phrase "learned me" has something to do with that assumption. But, I walked home each day this week (for some reason I think about this one on the way home more than on the way to work) and reflected on this project, I've come to realize that both the "essay" assumption and the "what was wrong" assumption are too simplistic and very likely not want Dr. K is looking for. If it was just an essay, why post it on a web page, why not just post it on Bb? If it was just about what was wrong, why ask me to reflect on what was good too?

So - what sums up my High School experience. It was, I think, unique because the school I went to was unique. It was in the public school district, but somehow not of the district. It shared a campus with a more traditional school and we had the opportunity to take some classes at that more traditional school - but somehow we were still in a different environment and were treated differently by our teachers, advisors, and each other.

So - what did I learn? I learned to think for myself. I learned that the only real barrier to what I can do is what I convince myself I can't do (or what I allow others to convince me I can't do). I learned that sometimes people on the outside of something jump to conclusions about it and then judge you based on those conclusions (but I think I'd already learned that lessons before I got to High School). I learned that sometimes you have to jump through someone else's hoops to get to the place you want to be at. I learned that just because I start down a particular path doesn't mean that I have to be committed to that path for the rest of my life. I learned that it is ok to be both an artist and a thinker - that maybe thinking makes better art and art makes better thinking. I also learned that if you want to take Philosophy your Junior year, you can work with your teacher, advisor, and others to show the district that you are learning "English" skills when studying Philosophy and so get your required "English Credits" and still study what you are truly interested in at the time. I learned that dying your hair with the refill ink for an inkpad doesn't really work and that putting hydrogen peroxide in your hair and sitting in the sun turns it orange, not blond. I learned that you can be in the Chess club, the Math club, the Drama club, and the Yearbook = that you don't have to pick between them. I learned that I really do have a sense of humor, that I can be funny, and that other people recognize and put some value in that.

I think I was very lucky. There wasn't a lot of bad and ugly... there was probably some... but now, 20 years later, it isn't the bad and ugly that I remember... it is the good. I remember the classmate who took his own life over vacation and the other classmate who finally succumbed to cancer. I remember the Ring Parties (reenactment of The Lord of the Rings) and our political campaigns for government class (did we really think it was that funny to call ourselves "The Tupperware Party"?). I remember the moment I realized that I didn't want to be a professional pianist (concert or otherwise) and the strength it took to tell my piano teacher that after ten years of lessons I was ready to pursue other interests. .

Most of the time, I felt happy and at home in school. I thrived there - but I'm not sure I wouldn't have thrived anywhere... it is my nature to want to learn and to do so regardless of whether the culture supports it or not. Jr. High School was not the best environment and I didn't have a lot of friends, the classes were (for the most part) way to easy... but somehow I still worked hard, found teachers and students that I liked, and learned. If I'd already read the books assigned for class (which happened often), then I found something else to read.

So - how do I approach this assignment? How do I approach this web page? It isn't an essay. It is a representation of what I learned. Somehow I need to combine the art and the thinking... the words and the pictures... to demonstrate what I learned... sort of a mini exhibition.

Do my actions contradict my words/beliefs?

2005-01-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Being sick can provide some excellent opportunities for reflection. Everything in my head sort of slows down and I can look at things differently. Sometimes - other times my mind just seems to stop working altogether.

Yesterday driving back from the doctor I saw something so ironic that I haven't been able to get it out of my head no matter how fuzzy it is with sickness and medication. Irony has become such an over used word that I sometimes think I forget what true irony is. When you need to be reminded of something, sometimes the universe does provide. So - in the midst of feeling sorry for myself yesterday - I looked at the license plate on the car next to me and noticed that it was one of those special ones that you can one get if your car uses alternative fuel and are willing to pay the extra fee for the special plate that advertises to the world that you care about the environment. Although we do have a reasonable number of hybrid cars driving around town now, you don't see one of these plates all that often, so I took a little special notice. When the light changed, I happened to glance at the drive of the car as I passed him (he was in the left-turn lane, waiting to turn). And, what ironic thing did I see you ask? He was smoking! Not only was he smoking, but as I glanced at him, he ashed his cigarette out his open window. Hypocrisy and irony both. People are remarkable.

So - I couldn't help wondering how often my own actions belie what I claim my beliefs are. The first thing that came to mind is the fact that I've gone to work every day this week and last week even though I knew I was sick. The irony about that several people (including my boss and his boss) came into work the last week of December and/or first week of January very sick (much sicker than I am in fact) and I've been blaming them (in my head) for my own sickness. So - if I thought that they should stay home, get some rest, and not subject others to their "germs," then why do I think its ok for me to go to work when I'm sick? I either need to walk the talk or I need to tone down the attitude. Maybe I'll work on a little bit of both. Right now, in the interest of Walking the Talk - I think I'll sign-off and go to bed early.

Walking Home

2005-01-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

I love walking home from work (and walking to work as well). I've only been doing it for about 3 months now and I already experience real withdrawal on the occasional day when I can't (due to weather or the need for a car for some errand).

I think I begin to understand why my father worked at the same job for over 30 years. When I was younger, he rode his bike to/from work (rode me to school on the back of it until I was old enough to ride my own). Later though, he saved the bike for exercising the dogs and walked to/from work. He always explained how much better the day was when he walked. I smiled and nodded - but was sure that if I had my own car, I would drive everywhere! I did eventually have my own car, then for many years I didn't (and rode my bike everywhere), then I bought my first car (when I was 30). My father would still talk about how important walking to and from work is. I still smiled and nodded.

I think the fact that his job was so perfectly suited to him in so many ways has a great deal to do with why he stayed there for so many years, why when he finally did leave it was to retire (although he will tell you a slightly different version of the events that let up to that decision). But, now that I walk to work every day, I can finally see how walking does make a difference.

I don't think my job is nearly so well suited to me as his was to him. I don't know that any one job would ever be completely suited to me - I have so many different interests and want to try so many different things. But walking helps, it helps a lot.

I start each "workday" with 10 to 15 minutes of enjoyable, leisurely, physical exercise. I certainly have to pay attention to my surroundings (especially when crossing streets) but it isn't the same kind of attention that one pays (or should pay) when driving. Walking, for me, is a very introverted experience. My mind quiets as I walk. There is nothing else I can be doing while I walk (except occasionally read a bit). I can't work on the computer, sew something, clean something, cook something, or make something while I walk. I can think while I walk. My mind gets quite and then the thoughts start to open up. I can have a conversation with myself while I walk. This is what I do each day. I start and end each workday with a bit of exercise and a nice casual conversation with myself. I reflect on whatever comes to mind, I let my thoughts wander, I listen for the connections between where my thoughts wander. I try not to make myself think about something specific. I just wait and see what enters my mind, what the thought of the day is.

It is because of walking that I realized the best way to deal with some challenging situations at work - I was able to think calmly while I walked. It is because of walking that I was able to come to an understanding with myself about who I really want to mentor and why. It is because of walking that I know what my next dance costume will look like (even if I have to wait until after I graduate to make it). Walking is more than just exercise for the body, it is like an after exercise cool down (or pre-exercise warm-up) for the mind. It is invaluable. In my old neighborhood, I used to take a 30 minute walk when I got home from work (after the 20 - 30 min drive). That was a great way to end the day and start the evening but walking to/from work is even better. It bookends each day with easy reflection time.

I highly recommend walking. I just know that you're smiling and nodding.

(just to see if he really is reading this)

Dad, you're right. Never thought you would hear me say that, did you?

codliver vs. cod liver

2005-01-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

You know how you can go through your whole life thinking something means one thing and then suddenly realize in a flash that you've completely missed the point.

Here is an example... my whole life I've heard now and then about "Codliver Oil"... it isn't something that I was ever burdened with tasting or using... but it was a term that reminded me of stories my grandmother would tell or from old movies and books. The interesting thing is that I don't recall ever actually reading about it... only hearing about it. So, for my entire life (until yesterday) I thought of Codliver as one word and did not relate it to anything other than Oil of that name. I thought of Codliver Oil as just some kind of abstract oil ..... like vegetable Oil... for some weird reason that I still don't quite understand, I never made the connection between Codliver Oil and Fish Oil... much less between Codliver Oil and Cod. Yesterday I was watching a movie and in one scene there was a bottle of Cod Liver Oil on a shelf (set dressing) and this huge light-bulb turned on over my head and I said (out loud in my empty save for me house) "OH - Cod Liver Oil... it comes from the Liver of a Cod! DUH! YUCK!" Then, I realized how completely ridiculous it was that I never made that connection and I couldn't stop laughing (note to self - try not to laugh when sick... it doesn't make the throat feel any better).

So - I have to wonder (like one of the kids in the Big Picuture who wondered what he was always rushing too and what he had missed seeing in all his rush) - what other obvious connections have I missed? What other assumptions have I made about things and then filed those assumptions away and stopped questioning?

A letter to NPR

2005-01-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Weekend Edition Saturday aired a portion of an email written by an American dive instructor who survived the tsunami. It was a poignant story and one that ordinarily I would have commended NPR for. On the surface, it seemed to be another example of NPR presenting stories that other news sources might overlook. However, in this case I was privy to additional information. It would seem that I am only a couple of degrees separated from Paul (the man whose email the story focused on). As a result, I had received a forwarded copy of the original email a day or so before the story aired on NPR. Of course, the version of the email presented on NPR was edited, that neither surprised nor bothered me. The email contained some very graphic descriptions and some "strong" language. The email was also very long. Of course, NPR would have to edit for length, language, and descriptions. However, in my opinion, it is inexcusable that NPR also edited for content. They left out an entire section that illustrated some of the bureaucratic mess that has negatively impacted the US survivors of the disaster.

So, I wrote NPR a letter.

Since I very much doubt the letter will be read on the air - and if it is, I'm certain it too will be edited - I'm putting it here too... for posterity.

====================================================

Dear Weekend Edition Saturday,



Over the years, I've come to trust NPR as a primary

source of information, news, and entertainment. 

More often that not, thanks to NPR, I know about, and

have more thorough information about, important

national and international events before my friends

and colleagues.



So it is with sadness and distress that I write to you

about my recent disappointment in your abridged

version of Paul Landgraver's tsunami survival story.



I received a copy of the original email only a day

before your story aired.  Your coverage presented a

very slanted summary.  I understand that there are

time constraints on a radio program as well as a need

to edit the piece for language and graphic

descriptions. However, I felt betrayed by the fact

that you chose to omit (or perhaps censor?) what I

believe was one of the most significant elements of

the story. 



After surviving the destruction, helping as many

people as he could, and finally finding Karin, Paul

found that the US Embassy could provide him with a new

passport but no other real assistance.  While other

countries were charting planes to get their citizens

home, the US was telling Paul that they might be able

to loan him some money (in a week or so) if they could

find three people back home to "vouch for him."  While

other countries where trying to tally exact counts of

their dead and reassure the families of the survivors,

the US couldn't even remove Paul from the "neither

found nor alive" list (though he had visited the

embassy twice, received a new passport, and requested

that his family be notified that he was alive).  In

the end, an airline from another country stepped up to

the plate and helped Paul return home.  It was only

after three days in the states and three visits to the

hospital that Paul was finally listed as "injured".

As of the time that he wrote the original email, his

family had yet to receive official (government)

confirmation of his status.



The edited version of Paul's email that you aired was

certainly heart-wrenching and heartwarming but it was

not the whole story. In fact, it was arguably not the

most newsworthy part of the story.



I've always considered NPR as an honest source of news

that I cannot find elsewhere.  It is utterly

disappointing to find that in the case of this story

it is not true.

Learning Styles and Me

2005-01-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

The Article for EDC665 - "Learning:The Critical Technology" has caused me to spend quite a bit of time this week reflecting on my own learning styles. Before I post on Bb - I'd like to record something of this journey in here. I've often suspected that I have multiple-learning styles, but I've never really spent a great deal of time attempting to confirm it or reflecting on why it might be the case. Perhaps I thought it was arrogant to even presume that I have multiple learning styles. Why should I be different? If the literature suggests that most people have one or two dominant learning styles, then what makes me think that I'm special enough to be different in that respect?

Reading this article has inspired me to spend some significant time this week both observing myself and reflecting on those observations. When I filled out the chart in Appendix A, I found that I placed about an equal number of marks in each column. This has happened before (other times when I've tried little self-assessments on learning styles). My first reaction when this happens is generally thoughts such as: "well, this can't be right... The literature says that I should have one dominant style... So I must not have been honest with myself when I filled this out." As I've done in the past, I looked at the self-assessment again, filled it out again, and ended up w/ very similar results.

So - I assigned myself a mission - to spend some time each day watching how I approach different tasks and challenges and watching what my approach is to leisure activities as well.

As I observed myself this week (at work, at home, and in between), I found that I do indeed approach different situations with different styles. In addition, I often approach one situation with several styles. For example, when working on a particularly frustrating bit of Flash programming I will move back and forth between looking at example of others work (pictures and diagrams), asking questions of my more capable peer, and just trying various things until they work. I don't prefer any specific method, I use them all and a move between each sort of laterally rather than linearly (meaning that I don't work through these approaches in any order, I don't abandon one for the other, and one approach is not subordinate to the other). This intrigued me, so I took a deeper look at some of the other items on the Learning styles assessment and realized that for many of the "When you..." Comments I truly do view the various options as equal or nearly equal in preference.

Why? What might cause this? Was I born with a pre-disposition toward multiple-learning styles? Somehow, I don't think that's the case. This brings me to the question of nurture and nature.

As a child, a young adult, and even now as an adult I pursue interests that fall into each of the main categories (visual, auditory, kinesthetic/tactile). I'm passionate about photography and other visual arts, I've spent years practicing, performing, and teaching dance (kinesthetic.. But also auditory as it depends so much on the music), I am both a musician and an avid audience member (many different genres of music) (interesting that I did not add music to my U101 course page), I am a voracious reader (fiction and non-fiction) and as a reader I prefer both description and dialogue (I don't think I can rate one above the other). When I choreograph a dance, I visualize the way it will look, I listen to the music and even the sound the dancers make on the stage, and I work with the way specific movements feel. When I teach dance, I "describe" how movements look, how they fell, and even sometimes how they sound (if you are wearing a hip scarf w/ beads or coins and you do a hip drop w/ the accent on the down it will sound different than one w/ the accent on the up). As far as communication is concerned, I enjoy dialogue and conversation (both the listening and the talking) and I do tend to use a lot of gestures and expressive movements (when I'm in an environment where I can do that). Even when I deliver online instruction to remote attendees, I find that I use physical expression while I'm talking. When I'm working on my own projects (professional, for school, or personal) I prefer to listen to music or news on the radio (or have a movie on in the background). When I'm listening to something (instruction or entertainment), I like to doodle and draw patterns on paper. Throughout all of this I tend to want to move physically as well, bounce my foot on the floor, tap a rhythm against my hand with the other hand, etc.

So - my suspicion is that because I actively pursue interests in each of the "areas" and because I've done this since I was a child (and was always encouraged by parents, relatives, and teachers to do this) - I was able to develop and continue to practice each style.

Mentors through the years

2005-01-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

Thinking and reflecting on mentors is a nice way to start the new year - and it's an assignment to boot. :)
As you think back on your early years, do any adults stick out in your mind? Who were the adults who really made a positive difference in your life? Make a list of them below.

Mom
Dad
Uncle Joe (mom's brother)
Aunt Foster (Joe's wife)
Mr. Jeff Stewart (4th grade teacher)
Mrs. Kamp (piano teacher for many many years)
Mr. Peterson (Jr. High AZ History teacher)
Mrs. Milo (Philosophy and World History teacher in High School)
Dr. Pilot (High School Principal)
Dr. Dobrenz (Professor in the Plant Sciences dept at the University of AZ = mentor for an internship while I was in HS and then a professor of mine later in college).
Mr. Harold Jones (Photography teacher, advisor, mentor, facilitator, etc - throughout my undergraduate years)
Dr. Mike Damyanovich (manager, mentor, friend)
Mr. Bruce Cameron (former colleague, still a friend).

I think there must be more. I'm inclined to list other friends and teachers but I may be blurring the line between supportive friend/confidant and mentor. What is the difference. Does a mentor necessarily teach you something?

Why do you think they took a special interest in you? What qualities did you have that made them want to spend time with you or encourage you?
This seems like a rather vain question to answer. :) Seriously though, I'm sure Mom and Dad took a special interest in me because I was their first living child, because they love me, and all the other parental reasons. Those are the reasons they had at first. As I grew and evolved, I'd like to think that I became the sort of person who they enjoyed spending time with and in whom they saw potential not just because I was their child but because I had that potential and the desire to "live up to it." As to the others on my list, I think they must have each seen some kind of potential that spoke to their own interests and passions and they wanted to nurture that. As I contemplate this I realize that it seems obvious that a teacher would be a mentor - but I don't think that every teacher is a mentor for every student. I didn't list all my teachers because even thought they all took an interest in me, as well as their other students, only a few took a special interest that is still somehow sharp in my own memory all these years later. Also, the teachers on my list are ones that I took a special interest in as well. Even after I graduated from their respective schools, I went back many times to visit with Mr. Peterson and Mrs. Milo (I would have visited w/ Dr. Pilot too, but he'd retired). I wanted to share with them my new experiences and I wanted to know what they were up to, how the new group of students were, etc. They also took an interest in things that I didn't expect them to. On of my most vivid memories about Mrs. Kamp was when I took a Prelude by Chopin , broke all the chords apart and added my own melody line. I thought she might not like some kid (I think I was about 12 at the time) messing about with the work of a great master like Chopin but she not only praised my improvisation, she asked me to perform it at a recital. That had a much greater impact on me that I realized at the time.

What was it that made each of them a great mentor? What did these important people have in common?

As I think about each of the people on my list (including my parents and aunt and uncle who, of course, had something of a vested interest in me) I realize that each of them had/have some passion(s) of their own and a desire to share that passion. They also had/have a way of modeling their own passion while at the same time encouraging me to pursue my passion even if it doesn't match their passion exactly. Their enthusiasm for their own passion was matched by their enthusiasm for my journey toward finding my own path in life. They provided me with so many options but never told me specifically what to do with them. They nurtured me without stifling my own interests and explorations. It was/is as if they are climbing the side of a cliff with me, holding on to the rope so that I don't fall too far but not actually pulling me up the cliff (I'm doing that on my own).

What might these experiences teach you about how you want to be as a mentor? What lessons can you take away from these role models?
I'm beginning to discover that as I work with others it is better to support and suggest but not to tell. What is even more important is to find something in the other person that you can show genuine enthusiasm and excitement for and then do all you can to encourage them to pursue that but don't do it for them and don't tell them (step-by-step) how to do it. As I reflect on how I interact with my peers and then reflect on the work I did years ago with students, I am beginning to realize that I gave the students much more freedom to find their own path than I give my adult peers. I wonder why that is and I wonder if it has something to do with my own preconceived notions regarding what it means to teach as opposed to what it means to participate in a professional collaboration. I wonder also if I'm making assumptions about adults and whether or not they already know their path and don't need me to support it. Or perhaps I view them differently because we are in a peer relationship rather than one of authority and "subordinate." I need to reflect more on this.

The week of annoying frustrations.

2004-12-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

I should finish the reading for Gary's class, work on the Papert project, work on my Flash course (at work), create a powerpoint slide show for the 3-n project and or answer the 3-n reflection questions (Gary's class again), refine my lit review, and on and on. I don't want to do any of it... not today. I think I've reached that point of total exhaustion and I need a little time to blow off some steam. It's been one of those weeks where everything would be fine if nothing unexpected or difficult happened. So, of course, something unexpected and difficult happened every single day. Love that Murphy and his ironic law.

Let's see the fun w/ the home owner's insurance company is over now. What an excellent demonstration of the pitfalls of technology and decentralization that was. An inspector visited my home (routine), spent some time there, found everything to be fine, and filed his report. As part of that process, he took some basic photos of the front and back of the house for the insurance records. Someone in NY reviewed the report and the photos (digital don't you know) and decided that the photos showed crumbling brick where the front porch meets the house. This was odd, because there is no brick where the porch meets the base of the house. There is a concrete foundation. The height from the top of the porch to the top of the foundation (where the brick starts) is nearly exactly the height of one line of bricks. Many years ago the house and the foundation was painted (white... ewwww). The previous owners (bless their dear souls and excellent taste) had the house sandblasted so that the original, lovely, red brick construction could once again be free. In the process, the foundation was also sandblasted but some areas near the porch were not completely sandblasted. Possible the foundation was not sandblasted but, rather, painted a new color (red). Whichever is the true history, now the foundation is mostly exposed concrete but still shows some peeling red and white paint in places (mostly near the front porch...how ironic).

Apparently, the person in NY looked at the pictures and determined that the red and white peeling paint on the concrete was actually crumbling brick! So, right before thanksgiving I received a letter from the company informing me that if I did not have the crumbling brick repaired (and proved to them that it was repaired), my insurance would be canceled! Nice thing to spend thanksgiving weekend thinking about! Of course, I called and attempted to explain the error. My first couple of calls were met with a standard answer that there was nothing to do other than have the problem repaired, preferably by a licensed contractor. I persisted and finally asked for a copy of the full inspection report. I was surprised when they agreed to send me one. My copy arrived yesterday. There was NO mention anywhere on the report of the brick. There was a mention of the wall-to-wall carpet inside the house! Imagine my surprise to find out that my polished, colored, concrete floors are actually wall-to-wall carpet. There was also a mention of the wall paper. Again... my surprise that some of my painted walls are actually wall-paper. Armed with this new information, I telephoned the insurance company again. Correcting the mistakes about the wall covering was easy. Correcting the mistake about the floors was a bit more complex. Apparently, the computer database didn't have a field, radio button, or check box for Concrete floors. The agent wanted me to know if she should put down Stone, Slate, or Tile???? I explained what polished concrete is. She asked again if that was Stone, Slate, or Tile (sweet, confused, girl). I explained how they make polished concrete floors. She asked me to hold and then returned and said that it was "all taken care of." I wonder if I still have "carpet"? Then we moved on to the issue of the "crumbling brick." Unfortunately, she was unable to help me with that. I had to wait until today to call the "home office" (which is only open 9-5 East Coast time).

This morning I talked to the "home office." I explained the situation w/ the concrete foundation, the painting, and the sandblasting. The agent told me that the observation about the "crumbling brick" was made when the inspection report was reviewed (at the home office)... ! Just as I had suspected. She said she was looking at the photos "right now" and could clearly see how one might think that the line directly above the porch was crumbling brick. I accepted that and asked what exactly I would need to provide to demonstrate to their satisfaction that it was not even brick, much less "crumbling brick." I expected to be told I'd need a signed and notarized letter from a licensed contractor, a video, a photo album, etc. To my delight and surprise she said, "you know, as I look at this I can clearly see that it's not brick because there are no rows of mortar.) DING. I could not believe my ears! :) Just to be sure, I asked her if I needed to send a letter with additional pictures. She said, "no, I've removed the intent to terminate insurance coverage. Your policy is fine now." I was still suspicious, so I asked if she could send me a letter to that effect, "just for my own records." She said that she would. Wow. Persistence works. I hope. When I have the letter, I'll know.

While dealing with all that, I also discovered this week that the phone company (cell phone) charged my account twice for this months bill (that's what I get for setting up automatic bill payment). Then, the bank sent me a returned check (a check I deposited, not one I wrote). The check was dated April 2004 but they bank apparently did not cash it out until November 2004... now they want to charge me a bounced check fee (even though I'm not the one who wrote the check). The frustrating thing about this is that the bank account the check was written on was active back in April 2004 but is no longer active now (which is probably why they cannot get the returned check fee from the check writer). I'll have to try to deal with that tomorrow. Then I have to figure out what I've done to piss off the gods who are in charged of annoying frustrations and appease them. :)

I suppose I'm learning all sorts of skills for dealing with these things. If that's the case, then I must say in some cases ignorance really is bliss.

TPOL book and questions from Doc S.

2004-11-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

What role did you play in this group and what would you point to as your particular contribution? What key elements do you feel others contributed?

I played a combination of roles – part cheerleader, part translator, part facilitator. I instigated the weekly TI meetings early (as soon as we had all picked the book), so that we could have a formal weekly time an place to discuss and reflect on what we read in a real-time group setting. I often found myself encouraging others in their contributions and also synthesizing the various contributions and then bringing them together into a common set of ideas. Finally, I helped bring our discussions, ideas, reading, and reflections together in to the final artifact, our website. Each member of our team made several significant contributions. Xing and Chris brought to the table the perspective of working in the “school” environment. This was extremely helpful for me, as occasionally my thinking and reflecting became a bit stuck in the corporate “training” world and I lost sight of other contexts where Communities of Learning can thrive and evolve. Bernard, Jim, and Kari, like me, work in a more corporate environment. Actually – Bernard is a bit of a mix, his work is within the environment of schools, but with the educators more than the students. He and Chris really helped me understand the difference between training (task-based learning) and education (knowledge-based learning). It was good to have dialogue with others who are facing some of the same challenges that I am. Bernard especially helped me to see a broader set of possibilities for Communities of Learning in the corporate world. I’m still frustrated by the lack of support I currently feel (in my own workplace) for instructional design that promotes CoLs and CoPs, but the work that Jim, Bernard, and Kari are doing has helped me see the possibilities. Just being part of this Cadre has also given me a visceral understanding of those possibilities.

If you were to do a project like this again, what would you do differently?

The Type A part of my psyche would like to come up with the artifact plan and presentation a bit sooner in the process and thus have more time to critique it within the group and possibly as for critiques from other groups. I would also have liked to have more interaction and dialogue with the other reading groups. I did “lurk” in their Bb discussions but was unsure of the etiquette for responding “out of turn.” I was so pleased and impressed when we were all asked by the Power of Mindful learning group to participate in their research. I wish we had thought of a way to include participation for other groups into our project as well.

What 2-3 key concepts did you learn from working on this project? (This can be a mix of elements from concepts you learned from the book to concepts you learned from working together as part of an online team.)

There were several of varying degrees. I began to form a clearer understanding of the difference between a Community of Learning and a Community of Practice. Members of a CoL generally fill some fairly well defined roles (teacher, student) and while students may sometimes perform instructor/teacher like actions, they are still primarily students or learners. Teachers do learn from their students, but they are the facilitator in the community, the first architect of it (although the learners take on this role as well), and ultimately the one who validates much of what is learned. In communities of practice, the roles of novice, practitioner, and expert are (I think) more mutable. A person in a CoP moves from the outside through the center and back out again… maybe several times. There is no constant center. Finally, in a CoL learning is the goal, while in a CoP the exchange of ideas and experiences associated with each individuals practice is the focus. Learning certainly takes place in a functioning CoP, but it is not the number one goal.

Another key concept I took away from this project, perhaps the most significant one for my own professional practice, was the distinction between “education” and “training.” Now, this seems obvious to me, but when I first started reading TPOL, I don’t think I’d really made that distinction in my own thinking. Task-based learning experiences can be very different from knowledge-based ones. Learning something simply so that you can perform a task can have a different focus from learning it to enhance your general knowledge. This was difficult for me, as I tend to just want to know things and worry about the application later. This distinction has caused me to question the purpose of some of the instructional design work I current do professionally. I wonder if we need to stop calling it training? If, perhaps, by calling it “training” we are limiting not only our selves (as the designers and developers) but also our audience (the ‘learners’). However – I also wonder if there are perhaps circumstances where “training” is the appropriate choice. I’m still asking the questions, I haven’t found the answers yet.

T - 2 days

2004-11-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Things I am thankful for:

Coffee so thick and black that the light has to bend around it.
The smell of rain in the desert
My family
My friends
Dance
Movement
Fire
Film
Music
Conversation
Chocolate
Sunflower Market
A sweet little house
Glitter
False eyelashes
Fake hair
Books
Authors
The dog I don't have yet, but will.
Soap
All the color in the world and the little things that remind me each day to stop and notice it.
My green chair.
Hummus

Deadlines, Expectations, Jazz, and Slack.

2004-11-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

The talk of deadlines and expectations in Gary's class has led to some significant personal reflection. I figured I'd better post some of it in my Blog. This applies to both my general coursework and to my ARP - so I'm going to cross post this in both blogs. Later - I hope to elaborate on the correlation between my optional book for Gary's class (see title below), the book SLACK (currently reading that for ARP lit-review), the discussion of deadlines/expectations, etc. For now, I only mention that correlation briefly at the end of this blog - to remind myself of what I want to reflect on later.

I've always been (or identified myself anyway) as a rather "goal oriented" ("Type A") personality; the "perform well under pressure" type. As such - I never much minded deadlines and, in fact, I used them as sort of a litmus test for my own proficiency. I'm the girl that generally shows up on time for every meeting, always tries to leave in plenty of time to get to where she's going, HATES missing the previews at the cinema or the pre-concert discussion at the symphony, etc. The really annoying type. :)

The idea of no pre-set (pre-stated) deadlines (or of soft/flexible deadlines) was a bit disconcerting for me at first (to say the least). However, as I work with it, I find it liberating in many ways. Rather than focus on a due date and the limit of what I think I can accomplish within a pre-specified amount of time, I find that I focus more on what I'm learning, accomplishing, and struggling with at any given moment. I don't watch the clock or the calendar, I watch the (forgive me) process. The work becomes about the work and not about the time. I find that I like this approach so much that I'm trying to incorporate into other parts of my life. Ironically, I find that I generally work faster w/o a hard deadline. Possibly as a byproduct of the corporate world (can anyone say "efficiency"?), if I am given a hard deadline, I tend to plan everything around that timeline so that I don't finish too soon or too late. Without a deadline, I find that I work until I feel I am done (or done w/ a stage). I also get more excited and deeply involved in the work that I do for the sake of the work and not for the sake of meeting a specific date or specific set of pre-defined expectations. When I observe this tendency from outside myself, I find that I've always worked that way on personal projects (art work, costume design and creation, creative writing, DIY projects, pleasure reading, hiking, etc.).

My new challenge is - how do I bring this practice into my professional life while still remaining accountable for someone else’s timeline? How do I approach work that has a pre-defined due date (and list of expectations/criteria) with the same open attitude and attention to the process? This is something I will continue to contemplate throughout my ARP work, as it may have a significant impact on both team-communication and team-project management (which are central to my ARP).
Currently, I'm reading Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency. Concurrently, I'm reading Thinking in Jazz: The Infinite Art of Improvisation. The correlation between these two books, my current ARP questions, and this discussion of deadlines/expectations is stronger than I might have imagined when I picked up these two books.

Epistemological Pluralism, Papert/Turkle, and MicroWorlds

2004-11-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to be able to hold out much longer. I've now read Epistemological Pluralism and the Revaluation of the Concrete twice - all the while working on patches, quilts, and other fun projects in MicroWorlds. The correlation is so obvious - I want (need) to post about it in Bb. I keep waiting, hoping another cadre member will post first. I feel like I'm overplaying the role of early adopter and first to post. I remember what it's like to be that kid in class who always raises their hand first - the other kids don't always like that kid very much. There was a time when I didn't care about that so much, now it seems that I do. Ironically - being the "first" is not (and I don't think ever really was) my motivation. I'm just so honestly and fundamentally excited about each new project, each new reading, each new discussion. I want to talk/discuss/debate! I want to know if others are seeing the correlations that I'm seeing, and, if they aren't, I want to know what they are seeing, how they are applying it to their experience. I think I waited too long to go back to school, I should have done this years ago.... I forgot how nourishing intelligent, deep, discourse and dialogue about a focused subject is.

As I work on my patches, quilts, and other little creations, I begin to observe myself work. I become a sort of disembodied third party and try to establish whether I favor the soft approach or hard approach to knowledge. I wonder if it is abnormal to use both, to move from one to the other based on ... well... based on what? I read about Lisa - who is a poet and believes she is "bad at math," "good with words, not numbers," who is most comfortable with a distinctly 'soft' approach. I look for the connection to my own ways of seeing, ways of knowing. I ask myself, do I identify with Lisa? I too write poetry, create art in a variety of mediums; in these ways, I am like her. But - I also like numbers and have always 'known' that I was good at math. So - I am not completely like her. I read about Robin, the musician, who "masters her music by perfecting the smallest little bits of pieces and then building up." This is how I learn both choreography and dance technique, this is also how I choreograph. But - unlike Lisa and Robin, I don't mind the idea of 'black-boxing' so much... I do suppose I would prefer to create the black boxes myself though. When I write my turtle procedures for instance, I write them a step at a time, a movement at a time... but once I establish the movement pattern I want (the picture I want) - then I turn the whole series of steps into a procedure and give it some kind of code name... I black-box them. Of course - since I'm the one who created the procedure, there is transparency (at least for me) and I am able to change it later if I want to... so maybe this is still a predominantly soft approach.

Another question: is the difference between the soft approach and the hard approach really akin to the difference between the abstract and the concrete? If so... and if, as the article postulates, girls demonstrate a greater affinity for the soft approach and boys for the hard approach, then does that explain why girls are (or seem to be) 'good at math' in the early grades but boys excel in the later grades? After all - the majority of mathematics taught in the early grades is fairly concrete - or is demonstrated w/ predominantly concrete applications. Math in later grades becomes increasingly abstract. If I continue down this road of questioning, then does the fact that I loved the higher math (algebra, calculus, physics) mean that I favor a hard approach or does it simply mean that I see concrete applications rather than purely abstract ones? What about the logic puzzles I love so much - are they an example of something that requires a hard or soft approach - or will either work?

This comparison between abstract and concrete brings me back to MicroWorlds = this time to making a quilt. As I think back on my methods, I realize that I approached creating a quilt similar to the way I approach choreographing a dance, designing/creating a costume, or creating a piece of visual art (photograph, collage, painting, etc). I could not create a quilt by simply writing a bunch of lines of code. Rather, I brought all the various patches onto the stage and then began to move them around, place them adjacent to other patches, rotate them, etc. I kept manipulating the patches until what I saw on the stage was pleasing to my eye. That is, in fact, how I created my own individual patches too... moving lines and patterns around within the frame until it felt finished. Once I created a pattern that felt right visually, then I went about figuring out how to move the turtles to created it. I didn't try to write the most efficient way of creating it either. Rather, I found as I watch myself work, that the pathways the turtles took to get to each spot on the quilt were also important to me. Here again - the analogy, for me, is that of choreographing a dance. The creating of the visual pattern itself (the map) was more like creating a costume design, a photo, or a painting, but because the turtles had to move to make the quilt, it was also a dance. Come to think of it - much of choreography is about creating a visual picture - a dynamic, evolving, visual picture in motion, but a visual picture none the less. So - when I look at all these steps from the outside - I see a predominantly soft approach - in fact, I see a completely soft approach. Ironically, as I made my decisions about which pathways on the stage each turtle would take to get to its next place, I recognized that there were often more efficient ways of getting there and consciously rejected most of them in favor of paths that I found more aesthetically pleasing. I didn't even ask myself why I found them more aesthetically pleasing, I just accepted that I did.

This project in combination with he article has been something of a revelation for me. I've always thought of myself (identified myself even) as someone who has achieved and maintains a balance between the "hard" ("mathematical," "logical," "scientific") approach and the "soft" ("creative," "artistic," "expressive," "emotional," "physical") approach. Reading this article and working with MicroWorlds leads me to question that. I don't question that I am good at math, science, logic, etc. and I don't question that I am also a talented and accomplished artist (in several respects) - but I wonder if what I always viewed as the "Left Brain" side of my interests and talents are really demonstrative of the same "soft" approach that I associate with the "Right Brain" side. I think I'll be pondering this for quite some time.

Meandering thoughts about this weekend.

2004-10-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well - this weekend turned out to be rather productive in general if not w/ specifics. I decided to take a couple of days off from studies - or more specifically from working at the computer. Friday night I spent two hours working w/ Jillina's Egyptian Pop Choreography because I've begun to feel a bit stuck in my own dance style and needed to remind myself of other ways to move (that's what I get for deciding to drop dance classes while I attend graduate school). I worked on it until I could barely stand up - I'd almost forgotten how good it feels to be completely exhausted form hard physical work. I went to Mary's Turbo-Step on Saturday morning even though I knew I'd be dancing that night at the Aladdin. It was worth it - another excellent physical workout. I'm glad I'm finally an accomplished enough stepper (and back in good enough shape) to take Mary's class - she is amazing.

Initially, I'd planned to finish my initial draft work on my ARP Research Plan on Saturday afternoon - but I decided to take one more day off from studies that involved working at the computer. My right arm and elbow have been bothering me quite a bit lately and I suspect that working on a keyboard and w/ a mouse (trackball, etc) for 8 hrs a day at work, another couple of hours most nights, and several hours on Sat. and Sun is taking it's toll. Initially, the pain was in my right forearm (I think I may have hurt that muscle carrying something when I moved to my new house)- lately (since wearing the elbow/forearm brace at work and when online at home) the pain has localized more in the elbow joint itself - or where the tendon connects to the elbow. The pain feels suspiciously like what my left shoulder felt like w/ the calcific tendonitis... so I need to try to give the arm a rest when I can (I don't want to face another surgery). In wonder if some people are more prone to developing calcium deposits on their tendons than others? I wonder if perhaps I should cut down my calcium intake (I stopped taking supplements when I developed the deposits in my shoulder... so to cut it down more I'd have to stop eating cheese and having milk in my coffee/cereal/etc... don't know if I could do that). Ah well - such is life.

So - I took it easy yesterday, did a bit of reading, watched some t.v., did my nails w/ jewels and everything, took my time getting all sparkly and ready to dance, even wore my Orange/Purple costume w/ a black skirt and vest (in honor of Halloween), and still ended up doing only one show. The restaurant was crowded when I got there (nearly full) and everyone stayed for the first show, then cleared out. Not enough new tables showed up after that, so no second show. I do hope business picks up soon. It is such a good restaurant, and the owner, kitchen staff, and waitestaff are all such nice people - I'd hate to see the business close. I hung out for a while, just talking w/ the staff and a few favorite customers. I love being there as much for that as for the performance - it keeps me sane and grounded to know and spend time with diverse groups of people. I remember what it was like to work in the "service" industry (and in retail for that matter) - I don't ever want to forget it either. Gave one of the gals a ride home and we talked about the fact that people who work (or have worked) for tips (waitestaff, bartenders, etc) seem to consistently tip the best. Sad but true, those who can least afford it are those who most understand the significance. I know the information is out there about fact that waitestaff only make $2 or $3 an hour and truly depend on their tips the way some of us depend on our salaries, but maybe it takes working for tips to really understand the implication. Or - maybe it is just the people that come to the places where I've worked or where I know people who work.

Taking Friday and Saturday off meant that I had to finish up my draft for my research plan today. Did that, finished it before the first little goblin (or ... actually Harry Potter) arrived at my door. (blogged about that in my ARP blog... so don't need to repeat that here). Managed to do the domestic stuff too (house cleaning, laundry, etc) and make an appearance at my neighbor's Halloween BBQ. Then, while hanging out by the door awaiting all those sweet little children asking for candy, I hung my Flam Chen photos on the West Dining room wall. Yeah - ok... probably drilling a dozen holes in the wall was not the best thing I could do for my elbow... but I've grown so tired of looking a stacks of nicely framed photos on the table. It was time to display them in a more appropriate manner.

Of course - throughout the entire weekend, I've been thinking (sometimes on the verge of subconsciously) about the latest reading for Gary's class - "Epistemological Pluralism and the Revaluation of the Concrete" - no that is a mouthful. I need/should blog about it before I post in Bb. I keep waiting for someone else to post first - thinking that I need to give my cadre-mates a chance rather than always jumping in to state my opinion/observations/etc first. But - I find myself champions at the proverbial bit on this one... working on the MicroWorlds patches and quilts has provided me w/ a tangible/concrete way to evaluate some of the theory expressed in the article and I want to discuss it with others, find out if they have similar (or different) interpretations.

Ok... enough typing. Time for some heat, some ibuprofen, maybe some tea.... wonder if there is any chocolate left?

Reflection or Refraction

2004-10-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

It is extremely difficult to read (or write) much of anything on the computer when wearing glittery false eyelashes. That's all I have to say for now.

ZPD animation - complete ...woo woo

2004-10-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

This is more of an announcement than a blog entry. For those who might read my blog but not other course resources, postings, etc (friends, family, whomever).

After many, many days of work, I have finished my very first interactive Flash animation. The was done to illustrate the idea of ZPD (Zone of Proximal Development) - which I have blogged about previously.

To view this animation, click here.

Connections

2004-10-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

It is so funny (maybe not “funny – haha”) how two people can have two different experiences w/ school (well – with anything I guess). A colleague is also pursuing an advanced degree through an online program (but with a different institution). She is only taking one class per term and often proclaims that she doesn’t see how any of the theory she is learning will help her become a better instructional designer. She reads begrudgingly and when asked to participate in synchronous sessions, she chooses to write down questions that she already knows the answers to because, as she says, “the instructor won’t know the difference.” I’m curious about why there is such a difference in our experiences. Is it something unique to each of us? Do I enjoy the process of inquiry and learning more than she does or do I have an easier time seeing applications for most of what I learn and am exposed to? If so, why? She is a bright, creative, intelligent, professional educator. Or – is it the nature of the programs? Could the program she is attending not be presenting the material in a productive way? Or – is it that she is only taking one class at a time? I sometimes wonder if taking one class at a time makes it more difficult to see and internalize connections. I find that with every project I do for OMET, with every article or book I read, with every TI discussion/class meeting, I see connections to all the other courses, to the professional work I do every day, and to so many other future possibilities. There are, I believe, more connections than I am aware of. In fact, so far, I cannot say that I’ve once felt like saying “how does this apply to anything?” But – in general – that is how I am with most of my endeavors. I have found application or connection for almost everything I do, read, watch, listen to, etc. Sometimes I think one of my most prominent personality traits is to seek connections. Where does that come from? The artist? The actor/dancer/performer? The teacher? The student? The yogini? The wannabe scientist/mathematician? The wannabe philosopher? The conspiracy theorist? How are all these aspects of me related? How do they each lead to making connections between what I learn, hear, see, read, know, feel, etc and what still awaits my attention

ZPD, FLASH, here and now.

2004-10-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

I want to blog. I want to eat. I want to sleep. I want to watch Mike Myers on In the Actor's Studio. What to do... what to do... what to do. Hunger will win out in a moment I think.... but if I step away from the computer at this moment, I doubt I'll sit back down (at this desk) tonight.

I need to reflect a bit on the ZPD project while I'm still thinking about it. I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to take the proverbial bull by the horns and work with Flash to make my ZPD illustration. I had originally wanted to do my timeline for last term in Flash, but my Flash knowledge/experience was so very limited that I didn't even have a clear idea of how to create an appropriate plan for the Flash file, couldn't even describe the logic of it because I didn't understand enough about what Flash can do... or... more accurately... what I can do with Flash. So - at that time - Flash was quite distant from even the very edge of my ZPD. I made my timeline in Dreamweaver (which was within my ZPD at the time... still is but at a different level now).

Now... just a few months later... Flash has begun to extend into my ZPD... or... my ZPD has begun to extend into Flash... or something like that. I know more about Flash, I've worked with it a tiny bit (for professional projects at work), I am more able to think about how to logically design something in Flash... I am beginning to understand the use/application of graphics, buttons, movie clips, and how to use the root timeline in conjunction with the individual timelines for these objects. Because I begin to understand this language/context, my more capable peer is able to help me learn to work in flash and learn to create what I envision. I'm still at the beginning... there are things I can envision that I'm not yet quite ready to create - at least not in the limited time I have for completing this (or any) project. But, I understand enough now to also understand what I don't know and sort of design around that.

For example, I originally thought of assigning an order to the pieces for my ZPD puzzle (illustration/animation)... so that the pieces had to be clicked in a certain order. As I learned what it would take to do that (the kind of action script that might be required), I realized that at this point in my Flash development, it would be better to let go of that and concentrate on some of the other more vital aspects of the animation. I wanted to be sure that my more capable peer (colleague) was helping me learn and not making it for me, so I had to be sure to keep the project within the parameters of what I can learn to do... yet also push myself enough so that I could really evolve my understanding and ability. This has been a wonderful project because in internalizing a basic understanding of ZPD, I have pushed into my own ZPD for Flash (and further with my Photoshop and Fireworks ZPD's as well).

One of the things I've noticed lately, with all the projects for all the courses, is that more and more I seem to take exactly as long as I have to accomplish each task. It isn't procrastination, I'm working on each project the whole time (and reading, researching, etc.)... it is more that if I have a given amount of time to do something, I want to use all that time to do as much as I can. I think this may come back to living in the moment. More and more, I try to be very present for each thing I'm working on, when I'm working on it - rather than thinking about all the other things I should be working on and then trying to finish quickly so I can work on the next thing. So far, this approach is keeping me sane... I think... others might disagree... perhaps I'm just more authentically insane. :)

Time for food, then sleep.

Working on Sunday, Riding a Bike, and ZPD

2004-10-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today is ZPD day. That's right, an entire day (well, a significant portion of the day) devoted to contemplating and reflecting on The Zone of Proximal Development. I know what it is. Understanding it isn't the problem. I can think of example after concrete example from my own life experiences. For a while, I thought I must be missing something significant, a concept of such influence and importance can't possibly be this simple, right?

We are at point E developmentally (in our knowledge, in our physical skill, in our mental skill, in some combination). Everything from point A to point E is our level of independent performance (those things which are within our developmental level, those things which we can do w/o any direction or help from another, those things that we have truly internalized). With the help of a more capable peer, w/ the collaboration of a team, or with a combination of the two, we can reach well beyond point E – toward let's say point M. Everything between E and M is our ZPD. This is the area that is perhaps just on the edge or slightly beyond where we are developmentally – it is the emerging edge of our capability. We cannot reach into it on our own, but we can progress toward and through it with the help of a more capable peer (or a collaborative group that contains one or more "more capable" peers).

Beyond M is point Z. The zone from point M to point Z is one that we cannot yet progress through even w/ assistance. We are not yet developmentally ready to even approach it.

The very best, most beneficial and useful instruction (teaching, learning, experience) is that which pulls us into our ZPD and enables us to move what is known, what is internalized, into what was the ZPD. Thus, while we may be at point E today, tomorrow we will be at G or H, and soon after we will be at M. When that occurs, then points beyond M evolve from being beyond us even w/ assistance, to becoming part of our new, emerging ZPD.

So, why is it so terribly hard for me to come up w/ a simple visual image. Concentric circles come to mind, but they have been done (and done and done). I though of a kite (or maybe learning to fly a kite) or glider/paper airplane, but then I saw the hot air balloon example (A Vision of Vygotsky by Wink and Putney 2002, page 88). I thought of an escalator (moving stairway), but then saw the spiral staircase (Wink and Putney, page94). I thought of a boat, but I'm not sure I like that either, and being the desert rat that I am, I know very little of boats.

All these thoughts were running through my hyper brain when I awoke this morning. I decided to give school a break and go into work for a few hours. Working Sunday may seem like torture, but it is actually quite the opposite. The building is virtually empty (just me on the 4th floor, the lone security guard stationed at the entrance, and a few second and third shift support people in the basement). I can get work done in peace, think while I work, wear shorts and a t-shirt if I feel like it, turn up the radio, and get a head start on this week's 40hrs so that I can take off early later in the week.

Of course, a few hours turned into 5 hours. Currently, I'm working on a particularly frustrating project. I'm redoing someone else's work. In effect, the work I'm re-doing is the result of our team failing to help a former member progress through their own ZPD. I didn't see it this way until today, and perhaps the connection is only a result of my own current concentration on the idea of ZPD. Does that make the connection less valid? I don't think so.

So, what happened? Why did we fail to bring our colleague along with us? Frustrated as I currently am with having to fix someone else's less than satisfactory work, my first thought was that there was nothing we could have done differently. That the oneness was all on the individual, that the problem was that this colleague didn't want to grow, didn't want to improve their work. I spent five hours reworking these projects, bringing them up to (or close to) our standard, fuming the whole time. After 5 hours, only 2 of the 12 total simulations were fixed and half my Sunday was gone. Time to stop, so I decided to walk home the long way to get some exercise and perspective. As I walked home two things occurred to me in rapid succession.

1 - That the way I learned to ride a bicycle is a perfect representation of ZPD.

I must have only been 6 or 7 when I learned how to ride a two-wheeler. Prior to that I rode a tricycle on my own, but I had also learned to balance on a two wheeler by virtue of my father riding me to school on his bike. He would have me sit in front of him so that I could experience what it felt like to balance on a bike. I also got to ride on the back by balancing on the double basket (as opposed to a child seat, which were not widely used in the early 1970's). And then, one weekend, it was time for me to ride my own two wheeler, ALL BY MYSELF! I was completely certain that I was not ready. All my friends had two wheelers with training wheels. I was sure that I needed training wheels too. My father said, "no training wheels, you will learn without them." I must be honest, I did not believe him. He pulled out my shiny new bike, complete with the coveted banana seat, told me to get on it, and held on to the back of it and walked (then ran) along with me while I mastered the art of peddling and keeping it straight (I had learned something of steering while riding on the bike with him and learned how to pedal on my trusty old tricycle). I was having fun and feeling quite secure in the fact that I would not fall over because my Dad was holding on. He had assured me that he wouldn't let go "until I was ready." I don't know how long it took, I don't even recall if all this happened on the same day or over the course of several days. What I do remember though, viscerally, as if it happened yesterday, was the moment my dad took me into and through my bicycle riding ZPD. I was happily riding down the street in front of our house. I glanced back to say something to my dad and suddenly realized that he was no longer there, he was halfway down the block behind me and I was riding all by myself. I would love to say that I rode perfectly, confident in the fact that I could now ride a bike. I didn't. I realized that he wasn't there, realized that that meant there was no one holding one and making sure I didn't fall, hesitated for a moment, and promptly fell flat on my - well side I guess. One minute I was balancing all by myself, the next minute I was on the ground. I cried, I even felt a bit betrayed by my dad because even if he thought I was ready, I knew I wasn't and I had proved it by falling over. But he pointed out that before I fell, during that few moments when I didn't realize he was there and even for a minute after I realized it, I did balance all by myself. He got me back up on that bike and we did it again. I think it took many more tries before I was truly riding all by myself, but I'm quite sure my progress was faster because of that initial time and even perhaps because of the shock of the realization that it included.

My dad pulled me up through my own ZPD. The process had several stages, starting with when I rode on his bike with him, concluding with me riding my own first bike by myself (not that first moment of riding it, but all the weeks, months, and years of riding that followed). It is interesting to note that I rode a bike for years both for pleasure and as a primary means of transportation (as a student and later as a working adult). It is also interesting to note that I learned on my own how to ride a bike w/ toe clips and later the nuanced difference between riding a rode bike and riding a mountain bike. Maintaining and fixing a bike was part of my education too. At each stage I progressed slightly beyond my comfort zone, always w/ the help of someone else (even if it was strictly from observation of the other or from reading a manual). Like my skills and knowledge, the ZPD is dynamic, it keeps moving, keeps evolving, is always a part of my potential. I wonder if Zone of Potential Development is a better word. I wonder if Zone is the word for it at all. Maybe that is the train of thought I need to follow to come up with my own unique visual representation. Or - maybe I should just draw a cartoon, and allegory about learning to ride a bike.

So, that took longer to write than it did to think about. All of that occurred to me in the course of walking one block. The rest of the walk was spent contemplating the second thing that occurred to me.

2 - Perhaps the reason our colleague did not move through their personal ZPD was not because they were stubborn, cantankerous, angry, unwilling to try, etc. Or, to be honest, perhaps that was indeed part of it - but not all of it. Maybe we, as a team, did not work as facilitators to help pull our colleague through the ZPD. Instead, we told our colleague what was wrong, told this person how to fix it, made a set of rules and standards that did less to facilitate development than it did to facilitate stubbornness and (on some level) failure. Now, to be fair, we are working in an adult professional team environment in a corporate work-place. The focus of our team is to get the job done. We are all adults and perhaps we should each take responsibility for our own work and our own professional development. But, I still wonder if we could also do a better job of facilitating each other's learning. It seems to me that this observation and my further reflection on it could directly impact my approach to my PAR (ARP).

Well, as usual, this is a long blog and it has relevance for more than one course. I should probably cross post the last part in my ARP blog. I should also step away from the computer and find some food.

Oh... and just for the heck of it. Click here for a nice explanation of ZPD and Scaffolding.

Steal this blog

2004-10-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on the Chicago 7 (8)... was about to post this on bb... then thought perhaps I'd post it here first and re-read it after yoga. I think it may be a bit too disjointed for a bb post... but I'm too emotionally attached to the whole discussion to make a proper judgment.

It amazes me that some don't know who the Chicago 7 (8) were. But - we only teach (and learn) selective history I guess. Why do I know about them? I think I knew before I watched Steal this Movie or read any of Abbie's books. But - I'm not sure when I first learned about them... not in school, that's for sure. I think I learned about them from fellow artists and actors. Ah... so subversive those artsy types are.

On second thought, I think I will post it. I wonder if someone will tell me to "go to France" because I'm "such a socialist"?

Want to know more?
Check THIS out.

Want to see something sad?
Check THIS out. Talk about co-opting.

===================
Here is something to think about:

When the people in power use that power to silence or curtail the voice of those who are not in power, what recourse to those not in power have? If those not in power have opinions that are different from your own, conduct their lives differently from yours, dress differently from you, have different priorities than you, worship at different altars than you, does that make it ok to suppress them? Are ideas different from our own such a threat that we have to silence them?

Do you judge how those not in power behave by the same standards that you judge those who are in power? If yes, is that fair? Those in power generally have many more choices that those who are not. If you talk and no one listens, is it then ok to scream? If your scream isn't heard, then what do you do?

Here is something else to think about:

What speaks louder, words or actions?

The protestors in Chicago, for the most part, made a lot of provocative statements meant to elicit a response (not necessarily a riot - but a response - they wanted to be heard, they wanted to be listened to, they wanted their message to get out). Remember what was happening at that time. The US government was sending draftees to die in Vietnam even though a growing number of citizens were against the war. The government was suppressing those who protested the war (sometimes violently). Bobby Kennedy had just been shot. Martin Luther King Jr. had just been shot. Those who questioned the government publicly were suppressed, investigated by the FBI, arrested, and often dealt with violently. All this in a country that is supposed to protect freedom above all else. The protestors in Chicago wanted the freedom (in this free country) to speak their mind in a public place and have their voice heard. They had no power. To be heard at all they had to create a scene that would catch the attention of the media and thus, perhaps, the rest of the country.

The authorities on the other hand, did have the power and they used that power to suppress or prevent the protestors from having a voice. When they couldn't discourage all of them from showing up, they chose to use violence to suppress them. Would you judge the protestors less harshly if they had laid down and taken the beating?

The protestors pulled down flags, let the air out of tires, yelled and said all sorts of inflammatory things, took drugs, dressed extravagantly, occasionally behaved like buffoons, and sometimes said some really stupid things (like "kill the cops"). But it was those in power (the police and the officials who supported them) who sprayed people with tear gas, beat them unconscious, arrested them, spied on their trial preparations (yes, the FBI bugged the offices of the defense and the Judge and prosecutors knew and supported it), suppressed evidence, etc. It was those in power who made laws specifically designed so that they could arrest those not in power and thus suppress their message. How would history have been different if the authorities in Chicago had simply allowed the voices of the protestors to be heard? Why was their message such a threat?

And - while we are at it, has anyone else considered the similarity between how the mayor of Chicago chose to prepare for that Democratic convention and the expected protests in 1968 and how the mayor of New York chose to prepare for this year's Republican convention (and it's expected protests)? Why was there so little media coverage of the protests in New York? Why didn't the media spend more time reporting how the authorities locked down a whole section of the city so that the delegates wouldn't have to be bothered by people who don't think the same way as they do? Where is the freedom in that? How many of you saw any real news coverage of the 500,000 people who marched in NYC on Sunday Aug. 29, 2004? The largest protest ever held at a political convention and it barely made the news.

Sorry - got a little off track there. But I can't help thinking of "bread and circuses".

If we define Martyr as someone who died for religious faith (typically by being tortured to death) than on the surface it would seem that the Chicago 8 were not martyrs. But - look a little deeper. Their faith was in this country and what it stands for (or is supposed to stand for). Their faith was in freedom and that faith was tortured to death by the behavior of the the police, Judge Hoffman, Mayor Daley, the FBI and others. Abbie Hoffman and the rest didn't do much of anything except show up, look weird, talk big, and reject authority. A real threat to democracy and our way of life, oh yeah. I think Norman Mailer got it right when he said that they "understood that you didn't have to attack the fortress anymore. All they had to do was surround it, make faces at the people inside, and let them have nervous breakdowns and destroy themselves." Ironic and sad that some of the same things are happening today. Where are those brave clowns who will surround the fortress now? They are out there, but you don't get to hear much about them. The machine that suppresses the message has gotten much better and much more savvy. As George Carlin said the other night on Real Time - we are not as free as we think. "Freedom isn't having both Coke and Pepsi in the same vending Machine." Remember, freedom is not about (or not only about) capitalist competition.

Ned Kelly, Michael Moore, and James Connolly

2004-09-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

Wow - 8 days since I last blogged. Attend one of the most intense graduate programs I could find AND buy my first house, What Was I Thinking!!!!! I felt more than caught up with courses last week - one weekend of moving and now I feel like I'm just treading water. Ok - I'll get back in front of the tide soon - probably by this weekend... In fact, I might have been there tonight if not for the by now notorious Ned Kelly assignment. More on that in a moment.

Funny - everyone is talking about Slackers today - amazing the influence that Michael Moore has on American (or the American media anyway). Gary assigns the Ned Kelly topic, then he posts the link to Michael Moore's slacker tour, later I hear a segment on All Things Considered regarding Michael Moore's tour. During that segment someone (a politician... not sure which one... should look that up) called Moore a "Socialist" and then "asked" why Moore doesn't just go live in France. What the F***???? Who ever said that only capitalists are welcome in this country? While we're at it, why is the misconception that Socialism and Democracy are on opposite ends of some political (ideological) spectrum still so prevalent. Did our leaders learn nothing in Social Studies class (or Economics for that matter) - do they know they are perpetuating a faulty comparison? My cynical opinion is that they do and they do it on purpose - shame on "us" for not recognizing it. Democracy and Socialism are not diametrically opposed, socialist democracies (and democratic socialism) are possible. I wonder why I reacted so strongly? Because I've been thinking about James Connolly all day? Which brings me almost full circle, back to Ned Kelly because for some reason when I initially discovered the Ned Kelly assignment my brain immediately thought of James Connolly. I'm still not sure why I made that seemingly unfounded connection - yeah, their both Irish (or of Irish descent) - but one was a revolutionary, a crusader for the "common man" (the proletariat), and eventually a martyr. The other - well he was a criminal whose legend benefited from the historical and social context. This brings up an interesting question - how much are our heroes and villains defined by the historical/social context and how much by their own personal qualities. Are the two always mutually dependent?

Then again - maybe I'm not so far a field w/ my connection between Ned and James. In the mid-late 1800's, the Anglo-Irish tension was certainly present in Australia. Ned felt his family were being persecuted (others felt that way, judging by legendary status his life and death now hold). They were Irish and they were persecuted by the English authorities... (or authorities that represented England). Perhaps he is a "hero" because of that. Perhaps he is a hero because when the final moment came, when he was critically wounded and had already watched Joe Byrne die, he chose not to run, he chose not to give up, he chose to go back for his brother and other gang member. To many, this courage might very well seem heroic. I know kids who view heroes as those who "have your back." Heroes are those who don't give up, no matter the odds, no matter the outcome - "...to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." Was Ned a hero? Perhaps not by my standards, but maybe by another's. He is certainly a legend and that legend has certainly brought prosperity to many - maybe more prosperity than what he stole when he was a criminal. One final thing to remember, history is written by the victors. The authorities branded his whole family criminals (that is in fact why his father was sent to Australia in the first place) and, possibly in an effort to keep his family together, lived up to that brand.

Now - here is a very telling quote from a 1911 publication:
" Time may be when these names will be canonised in the heart of Australian boyhood. For the English people dearly love a bold and successful robber, have he anything of chivalry or courtesy about him. " Click Here for the full story.

I think there was more I intended to reflect on, but it is nearly 12:30 am and I'm tired tonight.

Behind the '9' ball.

2004-09-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

It's late. I'm tired. I was up until 2am last night reading all the articles I'd neglected this past week in favor working on my musical masterpiece. Ok... Masterpiece is perhaps not the most appropriate description. This assignment was a blessing and a curse (as many of the best things are).

I found the software quite easy to learn (just keep clicking on things until you figure it out, when in doubt read the help file and if you don't find what you want there check the knowledge base and/or post a question to BB). The only real frustration for me was the fact that the free version is missing quite a bit of functionality included in the not-free version.

I loved the idea of composing a piece of music. In retrospect, I think that may have actually been a hindrance rather than an asset. I got a bit two carried away w/ the idea of what I wanted to do. I lost sight of my original plan to keep it simple (KISS). The assignment for me became about something far different from learning a new piece of software and using it to compose a few bars of music. Instead - the assignment became something of a journey into the past.

I haven't played any instrument other than Dumbek/Darabukka (drum) and Zagat (Zills) in several years now (occasionally picking a few chords out on the guitar so I can sing an old Dylan song doesn't really count). But - there was a time (when I was still basically a child)when I seriously thought I might become a professional musician (concert pianist or something like that). I began taking piano lessons when I was about 6 years old and continued to go once a week (and practice daily) until a few months before my High School graduation. I still remember my teacher's disappointment when I told her that I'd decided that I was done taking lessons. She said to me (I don't remember the exact words... but close) that I was making a mistake because I was "finally at the point where things would be come most interesting and rewarding." I remember thinking at the time that if it took 12 years to merely reach "interesting" then I had made the right decision. Funny - at the time I didn't think about it much beyond that - now I recognize it for a fundamental aspect of my personality and what I want (and don't want) out of life.

That was perhaps the first time in my life that I was presented w/ the opportunity to choose a path where I could (potentially) do one thing very well but would have to sacrifice many other interests and endeavors in favor of that one thing. Since then - I have been offered a similar choice a number of times (in various contexts) and each time I choose to pursue the broad rather than the narrow path. I don't know that it is good or bad... it just is who I am and the older I get the more I understand that about myself. I have so many different, varied, and eclectic interests and I don't want to sacrifice any of them in favor of others - I want all of them to be an integral part of my life and I want to have the freedom to continue to develop new ones. (Hmmmmm... wonder if that's why I've never been all that concerned w/ getting married... interesting...odd that I've never made that connection before... at least not consciously.)

Ok - I'm in danger of becoming lost in this digression and loosing sight of the original focus of this blog entry - the completion of my Finale NotePad music composition assignment. Because I have a history with both the piano and the guitar (studied classical guitar for a little while in college) - I figured that I could probably compose a simple piano and/or guitar melody/harmony fairly easily... but I also thought that would be a bit boring and I wanted a challenge. I've been cultivating a taste for Jazz for several years now (having a friend who works for the local Jazz radio station can have that effect). I really like syncopation - but I wasn't sure I was quite up to trying to compose for that. I also like compound meters (9/8 and 5/4 are among my favorites). I thought I might be able to handle composing a piece in a compound meter. I love "Take Five" which is in 5/4, so I thought I might start w/ that. I was disappointed to find that 5/4 was not among my available choices w/ the free version of the software but 9/8 was. So - I embarked on a journey to compose a piece in 9/8. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea.

I spent some time each day listening to music and then attempted to compose in 9/8. I didn't like anything that I came up with. I finally realized that part of my difficulty was that although I've listened to plenty of 9/8 music, I've never played any and so I have not yet internalized the rhythm. In addition to composing in 9/8, I also intended to compose a piece where the percussion was the focus - w/o a deep understanding of the rhythm, this was a problem. I was just about ready to give up on 9/8 when my AH HA moment arrived. I suddenly realized that there is one kind of 9/8 that I have internalized - the Turkish rhythm of Karsilama (I've danced to it and I've even played it on the drum... slowly). So - I decided to start there and then try to build something simple on that. I started in the same way I do when learning how to dance to a new rhythm, I began by clapping the rhythm and then figuring out which beats (within the 9) had the emphasis. In this case the emphasis is on 1, 5, and 789. The three is also emphasized to a lesser extent... so the rhythm becomes Doom = Tek = Doom = Tek-Tek-Tek (where the = signifies an unemphasized beat)... Once I figured this out - I was able to compose the core of my piece (the percussion and base line) and then add the accompanying instruments on top. It is far from a masterpiece but I did accomplish what I set out to do.

It is done - but posting it on my web page for the class will have to wait until tomorrow night (err.. tonight).. as it is already very late (or early) and I have to try to get a few hours of sleep.

And all the Jazz.

2004-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sad that lyricist Fred Ebb died (Chicago, Cabaret, etc).

Driving in the car is such a great time to think! Ok - well - as long as you also pay attention to the moment and drive.

So - driving to work this morning I had the opportunity to listen to a an interview w/ Jazz musician (Sax) Benny Golson. He talked about writing music. How fortuitous. I love synchronicity and personal gestalt

He talked about how he wrote the song "Terminal 1" for the movie The Terminal. He said "usually the drums accompany the music, but I decided in this case to let the music accompany the drums." That statement really caught my attention - drums have been a HUGE part of my life for many years. As a belly dancer, I am always listening for the drum even if I don't always choose to acknowledge every single hit when I dance. The drum speaks to my gut and my soul. So now - I think I want to compose my piece for Gary's class around the drum or the percussion with a musical accompaniment (or at least approach it from that angle). This will be quite a challenge because I've never done anything like this before (I've never really intentionally composed much more than a melody in fact).

Benny also shared a quote from Dizzy Gillespie that I just loved!

In answer to "how can a musician prove his mettle, by how fast he plays?" Benny answered, "No, by how slow he plays." He then shared the Dizzy Gillespie quote, "Slow it down. Slow it down enough to eat a sandwich between each beat and you'll find out where everybody is. There is no room to hide on a balad" How fantastic is that?

As I listened to the interview and the music, I realized that I was listening differently. I was listening like someone who creates music (or attempts to) rather than someone how only listens to it.

That begs the question, how does our own personal context inform each thing we do?

When I think of myself as a writer do I read differently then when I only think of myself as a reader? What about when I think of myself as an author (which may be different from a writer)? When I am the dancer, do I listen to the music differently than when I am the composer? How about when I am the musician but not the dancer or composer?. What about watching film - I've been an actor, director, techie, editor, producer, etc... does each of those unique aspects watch the film differently? How do I integrate them all? I must do it - and I think it must be sub-conscious in nature... but today in the car, for just a moment, I was able to step outside of myself and be aware of how I was listening differently.

It occurs to me that these questions might be pertinent to our upcoming discussions and meditations on what it means to be an expert. I'll have to watch for that! Ok... enough blogging... time to dance and then eat... no more sitting tonight.

Music composition and Finale Notepad

2004-09-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog about learning theories and what I know about learning - I may still do that later today - but I find myself quite excited about the latest assignment for Gary's class. Compose a piece of music - how excellent!

Use Notepad Finale to do it - how interesting and new (for me).

I could spend hours w/ this tool. I love being able to hear the music as soon as I write it. I remember trying to write music w/ only a piano to work with- in some ways, this is so much nicer (I only wish the orchestra instruments actually sounded more like real ones. The piano sounds good though).

I have to be careful though, already I wrote something that starts out sounding kind of Jazzy and then suddenly jumps to a fancy sounding Baroque piece - I like each individual phrase, but they don't go together at all! I really need to figure out how to copy/paste, so that when I do that I can create a new file for the incongruous part.

The other interesting thing is that I find myself getting caught up in the visual aesthetics of the piece before I even listen to it to see if it sounds the way I want it too. I find myself placing notes on the score just because I like how they look not because I think they will sound pleasing (to my ear). Very, very interesting when I have composed before, Ive done it by playing the instrument first and then writing down what I played, this software allows and extremely different approach for me. How fascinating and fun

“We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out.” - JMS

2004-09-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Wow – I haven’t posted anything to my general blog in over a week. I think I may be suffering from withdrawal. It has been one crazy busy week+. I knew owning my own home would be time consuming, but who knew that the processes of purchasing the home would be so complex? Well, ok, to be honest I suspected it would be, but there is a difference between “knowing what to expect” and actually experiencing it. I am (and must remember to continue to be) eternally grateful for the support which I am surrounded by.

Although I haven’t blogged, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. It seems I am always writing these days – even when I don’t put it anywhere consistent. Scraps of paper, old business cards, old and obsolete things I’ve printed from the internet, the margins of magazine articles and books, the back of receipts in the car, takeout menus, whatever is available when I have a thought that I want to get out of my head and make more tangible. Years from now, when someone else is reclaiming the artifacts of my life (hopefully many decades from now), I wonder what they will think of all these random thoughts in pencil, pen, marker, and whatever else is at hand. I especially wonder about how they might try to associate what I have written w/ what it is written on – will this person see a connection between the article and my notes in the margin, will they construct a meaning that I didn’t intend. Sometimes I write notes down that have no obvious association w/ the surface they are written on except that it was available when I needed it. Will some future person find some context that I didn’t create or that I am not consciously aware of? Is that what we do each time we analyze human artifacts from the past?

The discussion about Wolfram (for Gary’s class) and the article “It’s Good to be King” have really touched a chord with me – actually all three discussion strings have. I am rather bemused that so many of my classmates find the young men in “It’s Good to be King” so odd. It makes me wonder if I am that much different from the rest because I don’t find it at all odd. In fact, I was alternately amused and truly moved by the story of Talossa. How wonderful to construct your own environment and then make it a home for others as well. How fantastic to find that sense of belonging and community and to create it on your own terms but then allow it to evolve and grow as others become part of your construct. I don’t think any of the citizens of Talossa are worse off for their citizenship and I don’t think (based on the article only) that they have retreated from the “real” (physical) world. Talossa has simply added a new dimension to their world, it has allowed them to become the people they want to be and to explore other options. As for Wolfram – I wonder about him and I wonder why I feel an affinity for him. I especially wonder about some of the comments in our discussion regarding how he learns (and thinks?) differently. I think it is because I’ve often felt like my brain works differently than those around me – I know that my [metaphorical] heart does. I make connections where others don’t – but then I sometimes miss the things that are obvious to everyone else. I think what I see most in Wolfram is a kindred spirit. No – I’m not some phenomenal scientific/mathematical/computer genius (far from it) – but I LOVE knowing things. I love the adventure and challenge involved in finding things out. And – it is the act, the adventure, the journey that I enjoy most. Once I’ve found something out, it doesn’t stop there.. it only illuminates something else that I don’t yet know and want to find out. I suspect that Wolfram is like that – he wants to know for the simple sake of knowing. He also wants everyone around him to know that he knows. I understand that too. I like it when people recognize that I know things. Is that vanity? Is it attachment? Yes. Should I work on that aspect of my personality? Probably. I do try – but each time I find something new (to me) out – I just want to share it. I don’t want to take credit for it (afterall, I didn’t invent it, I just learned it or found it) – but I do want everyone else to know about it. I think I get to enthusiastic about sharing things and I forget that others may very well not be interested and may even find my “sharing” an intrusion or akin to “showing off.” I need to work on that as well… part of the same thing I think.

Sort of related to this train of thought… and rather funny in a weird synchronistic sort of way… Last weekend I did two shows (for a very nice, supportive, and enthusiastic crowd) at the restaurant (so glad business is picking up again). After the last set, I went out (as I always do) to visit w/ the patrons, make sure they were having a nice dinner, and generally socialize (and maybe pick up some business or additional tips… of course). The woman whose birthday shin-dig I danced for over two years ago (my very first gig at that restaurant) was there with her husband and some friends. It was wonderful to see them again (they’ve been traveling). They were happy to see me as well – seems they were hoping I was still around and still performing as they will be hosting a big NYE event (Arabian Nights Masquarade Ball) and they don’t feel it would be complete w/o the dancers. So, while becoming reaquianted and assuring them that I would hold NYE special for them (it is certainly nice to be booked so far in advance) – I met their friend – a “world renowned” numerologist from India. Sweet man – he insisted on asking several questions so that he could perform his numerology magic for me. So – what the heck – I enjoy such things and I had the time (no more shows that night). Among other things, he said that I am highly intelligent but that those around me don’t always recognize just how intelligent I am. Hmmmm… that could certainly make the ego swell (who knows why he phrased it that way though). He said several other very complementary things too – and none of them were traditionally the kind of things male audience members say when completmenting the “belly dancer” in a Mid-Eastern restaurant. The really funny thing was that when I got home that night, I read the article about Wolfram for the first time. Maybe the only connection is that Wolfram and I have similar numerology charts! I just can’t help making connections between everything. Heh.

Ok – this is getting long (as usual). I still need to blog a bit about what I think learning is and what I know of learning theories… but I believe I’ll save that for tomorrow’s blog (got to get back to blogging several times a week… it is so much better that way).

I watched the Apprentice tonight (also for Gary’s class). I made a concerted effort to just watch the show and not do anything else… that was amazingling difficult for me… I’m so used to doing something else when I watch tv (but not when I watch movies... I wonder what the difference is). Watching this show for the whole season is going to be quite a challenge for me. I found most of the ‘contestants’ (yes… that is what they are… let’s be honest) to be rather shallow and uninteresting. I would have liked to have seen more of how the toys were designed, more of the focus groups w/ the kids, and less of the cut-aways were each contestant talked about the other contestants. I didn’t like the way these men and women are working together “on a team” but are actually competing with each other and are already sizing each other up and trying to find and exploit each other’s weaknesses.

What I did find very interesting though, were the boardroom scenes. I very much like the way DT made the contestants think about their conduct, their decisions, “the process,” and then articulate what they were thinking. What I found somewhat disheartening was how little real reflection they engaged in. I had the distinct impression that they were saying not what they truly thought/felt but, rather, what they thought would put them in the best postion (so as not to be fired by DT). What I was pleasantly surprised by was that I actually like DT and his assistants. I found myself feeling a sense of respect for each of them as they talked to the contestants and as they discussed the situation with each other. It’ll be interesting to see how the show progresses. One thing is for sure – I will HAVE to start recording it as the commercials make it intensly difficult for me to maintain anyting that even resembles focus.

Wow… I just realized that I’ve written an entire blog entry and not once mentioned that this is “September 11.” It’s been all over the news (even NPR did a special morning edition today) and it is the first thing I see every time I log onto the Net (I should really change my homepage to something other than CNN). I think this is an example of what I mean by not making the same connections that others do. Actually – I’ve probably thought about Ivan (the hurricane) far more today than I’ve thought about the significance of the date. Maybe it’s just because I know people in Florida (including some cadremates) and have a fellow cadre 7 member in Jamaica as well… maybe it is something else entirely.

Finally – w/ all the talk of B5 (referred to in the It’s Good to be King article)… I ‘ve been thinking about G’Kar’s personal journey and his evolution from warrior to profit. So – I’ll end tonight’s blog w/ one of my favorite quotes from G’Kar:

“If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth... for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light... pure and unblemished... not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe - God looks astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us.”

Today, Life is Good!

2004-09-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

"Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good."
Boromir - Lord of the Rings (movie) Two Towers, extended edition.

Yeah... Watching them again (don't ask how many this makes... Won't have time to read the books again until after Grad School is complete... So will make due w/ endless visits w/ my DVDs).

Life IS Good! This is a Good week... ok... this is a GREAT week.

I have signed the papers on my dream house. Things do work out if you just remember to breathe and wait for it. (Stop saying "I told you so, dad!"). ;)

It is such a beautiful house. 1950, red brick construction. 3 beds, 1 3/4 bath (the 3/4 bath is a Jack'n'Jill style and so is accessible from two different bedrooms), HUGE beautiful back yard w/ full block wall (very dog proof), lovely bright and large kitchen, polished concrete floors (one of my favorite kinds of floors), large living room/dining room and then an extra family room to boot (w/ a fireplace). The inside walls are painted a variety of rich primary colors (exactly what I would have done... so now I don't have to do it). The owners offered to re-paint but I told them I wouldn't have it any other way. They're even leaving the leftover paint cans w/ the color mixes - so if I need to touch anything up it won't be a problem. I'm so happy that I'm downright giddy. I had to warn my co-workers that I would probably be more hyper than usual (if that's possible) for the next several days... it's probably a very good thing that Monday is a holiday. I'll have to post a few pictures on my website at some point... probably make a special "Sukay's New House" page.

Other good things happened this week too. As of today we finally know what the new "Big Ed" structure is - our multiple small education departments are now finally on the road to becoming one... They split up some of the management responsibilities and I was a bit concerned (as were other members of our team) that we would all be split up in an un-desirable way. Well - it didn't happen... the majority of us all have the same manager as before (yipee!) and, for the few that will be reporting to someone new, the move makes sense (although it make take a couple some time to see that). I have renewed faith now that things really will be not just OK but possibly even better than before (once we get past the awkward growth stage). I talked briefly to our department head about my rough ideas for my ARP - it looks like she will be very supportive. I'm learning more and more Flash (MX) skills each day (L is becoming quite a good teacher... so proud of him) and I continue to endeavor to expand my involvement in other projects. All in all - perusing this graduate program has added new joy to my own attitude at work - what an excellent side effect.

Finally - (for now... cuz I'm getting hungry) - I had a break through in yoga (started on Friday and continued tonight)! It has been a while since I've had a real "Ah Ha" moment in yoga. Since returning after the shoulder surgery I felt like all I was doing was trying (w/o only limited success) to get back all that I perceived I had lost. I was prepared for my shoulder to be weak and still sore... but I wasn't so prepared for how much tone (and balance) I lost during the recuperation time away from regular practice. Last week (after recovering from the horrible cold) I finally began to feel like I had my old body back... my shoulder is still a bit cranky at times and not as strong... but the rest of my body is back to where it was. I've been trying to concentrate on strength over flexibility (since hyper-flexibility is what may have helped injure me in the first place). In so doing - I've also begun paying more focused attention to my lower body... well Friday I experienced a huge Ah Ha moment during Triangle pose (the Bikram triangle is kind of like a Right Triangle - where one leg is bent at the knee to form a right angle w/ the floor). I realized that I was not engaging the inner thigh muscles and that was seriously limiting my ability to keep my hips straight, especially when I add the upper body tilt and twist. It took me a while to figure out how to remedy it... but I finally visualized attempting an outward rotation of both my thigh bones... it worked.. the inner thigh muscles engaged, my hips straightened out and my triangle pose not only has better form but is much easier to enter and hold! Then, I discovered that the same slight outward rotation helps in both Standing Bow pose and Tree. Very nice. Yoga is so amazing because it continuously reminds me how connected everything is. One little thing in one part of your body can change everything - life is like that too. Yoga helps remind me of that.

Cross Post

2004-08-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm... I'm posting this in my ARP blog... but it is both a personal (general) reflection and an ARP reflection... so I'm posting it here as well. Plus.. I think the ideas taking root in my head that are the catalyst for the change I'm seeing come from more than just the work on (and reflection on) my ARP.... they also come from all the other reading and discussion (DL).

It is very interesting to watch myself at work as I consider, contemplate, and reflect on my ARP ideas. I know that the ARP is now firmly rooted in the back of my head and is definitely having an effect much of what I do at work. I'm starting to bring up project management ideas during our design discussions and even during our casual discussions. I'm not calling them "project management" ideas but that is in fact what they are. I wonder, am I trying to prepare my teammates for participating in my ARP? Is this a fair thing to do? Hmmmm.. I guess if it was for purely selfish (OMET and ARP related) purposes... maybe it wouldn’t be... but I honestly believe that the ideas I'm putting out there have value for our group and, more importantly, they are timely ideas and I shouldn't wait until my ARP "officially" begins to bring them up. Plus - the ideas were always there to some extent... we just haven't been as diligent as we might have been about incorporating them in our daily routine.

Even more interesting though - is that I'm no longer jumping to do everything for everyone else (be the first to answer every question, look up every resource, find every document, etc.). I'm actually encouraging others to contribute and then supporting them in their effort to contribute - I don't think I actually realized that I wasn't doing that before (or wasn't doing it as much as I could). An example of this would be the recent search for industry standards on timelines for the kind of development that we do. I knew where to look that stuff up. I could have just looked it up and then emailed it to everyone else... but instead I encouraged those asking the most questions (and stressing the most over how they perceived our management judges things) to look up the information, compile it, analyze it, distribute it to the team, and then encourage discussion about it. I didn't tell them they had to do it, I didn't say that I wouldn't (or couldn't do it), rather, I suggested that having real data to back up our position would be a very positive thing and then I gave them a nudge in the right direction and continued to encourage them in their search and analysis.

It was very cool to be part of that process AND watch myself from the outside. What is most interesting to me is that I think I felt more satisfied about their achievement than I would have if I had simply looked up all the data myself and presented it. Nice lesson. Must endeavor to remember it as this year progresses.

Yoga, OMET, and ARP

2004-08-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

My latest issue of Yoga Journal arrived in the mail this weekend. Being sick and needing to spend what little energy I had on school work, I didn't have a chance to take a really look at it until this evening. Many, many excellent articles in this issue, several of them relevant (IMHO) to my graduate journey in general and the ARP journey in particular.

This month's "Personal Practice" article is about the flexibility that Yoga helps us discover, cultivate, and nurture... not just the flexibility of the body, but also (and perhaps more importantly) the flexibility of the mind. Practicing yoga can help you develop an adaptable mind. Yet, yoga teaches strength and discipline as well as flexibility - as I learned first hand w/ my shoulder injury - to be flexible but not strong is not balanced (it is not the middle way) and it can cause great harm. I think this will be a very important thing for me to keep in mind (and body) this year.

"The Compassionate Backbend" also struck home for me on several levels. First - I was drawn to it because backbends are among my very favorite poses (right up there w/ balancing and twisting). Whenever I perform one (in Yoga or dance) I hear the voice of one of my yoga teachers... "we often say we'll 'bend over backward' to help someone, but how many of use really do bend over backward each day?" It is interesting to me that backbends are associated w/ opening the heart (both the physical and the metaphorical heart). A while back, I wrote about fear and freedom - backbends are about freedom and, for many people, they are also about fear. I can't recall every being afraid to bend backward.. but I'm not always comfortable bending forward. I can do it, grab my feet ... whatever... but I feel constrained when I do... in a backbend I feel free and wonderful. Why? Hmmmm.. .I wonder.

There are two quotes from The Compassionate Backbend that spoke to me most (at least tonight) - "The discipline of yoga is a purification practice, but not in the sense that we Americans seem so inclined to believe. The goal is purification not for the sake of perfection but for the sake of freedom." and "The point of this practice is not to become someone else but to become more fully yourself..." This second quote is especially interesting because I begin to see that that is exactly how I view the process of ARP and, on a larger scale, the potential for the entire OMET experience. It brings me back to the discussion about identity that we had that first night in TI. I have many different aspects, but I am always me - as I grow, I (hopefully) become more fully myself. Maybe this is getting to esoteric or to grand, but I think my whole life is about that process in some way or another.

Ok... Kerry is on the Daily Show... gotta go! hehehe.

Very short, really

2004-08-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Not much to say tonight. This weekend has been quite a trial. I caught what turned out to be quite the tough-guy of a cold and yet was not able to give it the respect it deserved. Too much to do, web-gift to finish (which I did and I'm quite happy with it), show to do on Saturday night (at least it was only one show), ARP pages to read (Ethics), ARP journal entry to do (I'm thinking that one may not get done until tomorrow).... and then all the regular daily work. I guess I broke my own rule, when sick - be sick - don't work. Ah well... The funny thing is that I generally consider sick time to be reflection time - when the body is worn down the brain gets to explore. But - right now I'm too tired to do anything, even reflect... plus I think the coughing is shaking up my brain too much. :)

The art of letting go... and some ARP thoughts to x-post.

2004-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

No house on La Jolla Circle = or very little chance of it anyway. I can (and may still ) file an ethics complaint against the listing agent, mostly because I really do hate to see such poor behavior both rewarded and un-remarked upon. But - filing a complaint won't get me the house (even my agent, who is also very angry, acknowledges that). Plus, the final buyer isn't responsible for the dishonesty of the listing agent (I'm not even sure the seller is at this point)... so why should I attempt to do to them what was done to me (take away a house they think they have)... bad karma there for sure. Another lesson in "letting go", I've had a number of those (to varying degrees) in the last few years. So - the search continues and I must make a decision about whether I want to file a complaint "on principle" and set myself up as the agent for someone else’s karmic payback or let the anger go. I’m certainly learning a great deal about real estate, but, as I told my dad the other day, I’m tired of getting smarter… I just want a house of my own. I just have to believe that when the right house does materialize, I will find it and successfully buy it.

One very good thing coming out of this whole “House Hunt,” – an even closer bond between me and my parents. Our bond (and our friendship) has always been strong – but this experience is really giving us a chance to work together as adults on something. I can’t imagine how I would do this without them. In spite of how despondent I might occasionally feel during this process, I really am one magnificently lucky individual. I have to continue to remind myself of, and give thanks for, that.

On to other things…

Big revelation (for me) at work today: there are those on my team who, recently, have begun to feel like they are being pressured to work faster and therefore produce lower quality product (courseware). I (and a couple of others) have commented more than once during these discussions (ok… venting sessions) that I’m not feeling that pressure. Today, after discussing the situation with a couple of others, it occurred to me that some of this may be a result of our differing project management styles. On our team, each person (whether LD, LC, IT, or hybrid) hold some level of project management responsibility (beyond just managing their own specific tasks). I think I had been assuming that the projects I was working on were just not as high profile as some of these others, but now I’m not so sure that is the case. So – I’m beginning to think this may be an even better focus for my ARP (than the more general departmental changes I had planned to focus on). Most of my project management skills and style were developed “on the fly” – rather than through formal training, so I know I could benefit from learning about more formal approaches. I also think the whole team could benefit from a sharing of project management knowledge, styles, approaches, etc. Such an ARP could also provide a more controlled environment for setting up the 3 cycles necessary in the limited time I have because I wouldn’t have to wait for the corporate decisions on departmental change. Definitely worth spending some time mapping out. Hmmm… I should probably cross-post this part of my blog in my ARP blog.

Proverb for today: “If you don’t climb he high mountain, you can’t view the plain.”

And – to end on… a beautiful note of irony…

Finally had a moment of “free reading” time today (felt caught up for the moment on class reading), so I picked up my latest copy of Shambhala Sun (came in the mail days and days ago… w/ Jet Li on the cover…yummmmmm).

Started reading through the articles… and (here is the beauty and the irony) the second article is:
“Not Every Gauntlet Requires Picking Up.
“…not every challenge, nor every thought, needs to be acted on… we could be happier just letting go.” The article is an excellent story about when conflict is not necessarily the only (or right) choice. It ends with: “I decided to hold the largest truth open for them to relax into: annoyance happens. If it’s not a big deal, we can let it go. Letting it go is conducive to peace, and that’s a pleasure.”

HA! And the universe says… “you need a smack on the head? I’ll give you a smack on the head!”

Unconscious Competence

2004-08-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Working on the web gift today (and tonight), I’ve come to realize how difficult it must sometimes be for the SMEs I work with. My original thought was to simply create Mike a nice ‘little’ gallery page for the My Family page on his website. Something that uses the thumbnail roll-over (Image Thumbnail viewer II) from http://www.dynamicdrive.com/ . I figured that I would create the page itself, then create a quick tutorial on how to make such a page and include a link to dynamicdrive (which has a great many nifty bits of html code – free to use). But – as I created the images for the page (pulled his into photoshop, resized them, added a border and caption) – I realized that there is more to the page than just the layout and the extra bit of html code. I then realized that I should not assume that my giftee knows how to resize an image, create a border, adjust images so that all are the same size, add a caption, etc. So now – I feel that I should probably add those things to the tutorial. The project grows and my understanding of what it really means to have unconscious competence grows as well. I always understood the concept intellectually, but now I understand it in a more visceral way and I have greater empathy for the SMEs who read the draft of a lesson and don’t realize that something is missing (until they actually look at the lesson in the delivery modality itself). I shall endeavor to be less critical when something comes back after multiple reviews w/ still more required modifications. I may not always succeed, but I will definitely try harder. I’ll remind myself what it is like to just know how to do something w/o really thinking about each little step involved.

It seems like such a "duh" concept, something that should be obvious to a teacher (instructional designer, etc), but I guess there are things we know that we still need to learn again and again. :) Makes life interesting.

Circles and Prophecies

2004-08-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

I was planning on blogging about class, my ARP, or maybe some anti-utopian views on DL. Best laid plans they say. I find that I’m kind of bummed (ok…understatement) tonight and really need to journal about that. Since there really isn’t time this year to keep track of several separate blogs (LJ, hand written journals, etc), I’ll just do this in here. My state of mind may effect my work this weekend anyway…so might as well.

I work each day to live in the moment, to appreciate each, acknowledge each, not spend so much time contemplating the past/future that I miss out on the present. It is a delicate balance and I often don’t achieve it. Days like today, I think maybe I don’t achieve it at all.

I so wanted the house on La Jolla Cr. I let myself believe what was said, that the verbal acceptance of my offer was adequate until the seller got back in town. I still want to believe it. That my realtor is right and the realtor representing the seller will realize that his ethics are important and keep good on the statement that my offer was first and was accepted. But – I’ve grown cynical about the ethical behavior of others. I don’t trust people the way I would like to and each time I do, I get burned. It is frustrating, maddening, and depressing.

It is difficult not to dwell on what I might have done differently (insisted that they overnight the contract to the seller, funeral or no funeral, and have it signed w/in 24 hrs of the “accepted” offer… as is the norm). It is equally difficult not to dwell on all the various reasons why I probably won’t get the house now (less than honest realtors, crazy market, desirable area, ‘the universe is out to get me’, whatever.. I can always come up with something).

The whole situation makes me angry, depressed, sad, and a whole range of the same. But – I think what is really bothering me is that I do believe that we have the power to create our own reality. Not in some mysterious, mystical, sci-fi/fantasy way, rather in that when we thoroughly convince ourselves that something will or wont come to be (and truly, deeply believe it) then we put into motions exactly what has to happen to cause the result we expect. I’m not talking about bending the universe to our own will.. I’m talking about how once we convince ourselves of an outcome, we then proceed to behave in a way that causes that outcome to happen (consciously or sub-consciously). Our own choices, actions, and reactions ensure the outcome. It is not pre-determinism by an outside force; it is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, in addition to being sad (et al) about the house, I am also frustrated with myself because I feel defeated and in feeling defeated, I believe that I am sealing my own eventual defeat. Wow – a viscous circle and a self-fulfilling prophecy! Boy am I broken tonight… heh. I know I need to break this cycle of thought/action(inaction)/thought. I’ve been here before (uh…more than once). It isn’t really productive but it is alluring. Each time I arrive here I try to step away or outside of it… I always succeed (or have so far) – hopefully it will take less time each time around. Someday, maybe, I won’t get drawn into it in the first place.

I know Dad worries about me and thinks that I’m too emotional, that these feelings of frustration, sadness, etc. are a waste of my time because the world is the way it is, people behave as they do, and little (if anything) can be done to change that so I shouldn’t waste my time feeling (anything really) about it. I do find it interesting that he doesn’t think that my feelings of joy, happiness, pleasure, etc. are a waste of time. I think maybe the difference is that I still don’t quite believe that you can have the joy without the opposite. You can’t have just one or the other because they are the same, just the other side of the mirror from each other. I wonder if this belief on my part is another thing that exacerbates my current situation… yet another self-fulfilling prophecy… I seem to have an abundant supply of them.

I am a walking (sitting, eating, sleeping) contradiction. I revel in all my feelings (yeah… to be honest even the not so pleasant ones). I like to feel things. It’s am important part of my experience in life. At the same time, I constantly strive for balance. I seek to escape from suffering (samsara) but, at the same time, I think I am not ready to let go of my intensely emotional ways. And so, there is a deep, personal contradiction and struggle in me. I desire peace and pure joy but I fear letting go of my attachment. I am afraid that to let go of pain (suffering) means also to let go of joy. Without pain/suffering, how does one understand joy?

Which leads finally to this question: In a quest for joy, do I create my own pain/suffering? Do I create reasons for my own suffering because I don’t believe I can experience and understand joy without it? Wow – talk about the granddaddy of viscous circles and self fulfilling prophecies! Well – at least it’s a circle I’ve managed to back into and not a corner…. There is always hope that a circle is actually a spiral and there is an eventual ‘out.’

I’m exhausted. I’m done for tonight.

Not the sky show I expected

2004-08-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

Stayed up till past midnight for the meteor show.... saw some flashes of light, ran outside. No meteors... just more lightning and thunder. I generally like lightning, a lot.... but I was really hoping for meteors. Ah well... you can't always get what you want... but if you try... sometimes... you get what you need... like sleep for me... I probably need that more than meteors... heh.

Keeping in practice

2004-08-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot to say (write) tonight, but I feel the need to keep up the habit of writing in here. It is 10pm and I should be eating dinner and/or preparing for bed. Heh. Good class in TI tonight. I think we all feel a bit more on track with or ARPs (I wonder why it isn't called PAR for this course?). I need to make an effort to respond more on BB. I read everything and think of short and/or individual responses but save them for a longer post and then keep adding thoughts and not actually posting. Definitely need to find a balance between responding to every note/thread and waiting too long to respond to anything.

I started reading Smart Mobs yesterday. I loved the ideas in Edutopia, but I think, for where I am professionally and personally at this moment in time, Smart Mobs is more "my kind of book." It is interesting that someone just today posted a note w/ warnings about Group Think as I've been interested in the positive attributes of a collective consciousness for some time. The post was kind of a wake-up call for me. Hopefully tomorrow I will find time to consolidate my various thoughts and post a few responses in BB.

On to more personal stuff: Found a beautiful house today. 1955 construction, nice larger corner lot, quiet and well-established neighborhood w/ lots of well loved and cared for houses, big trees, etc. Excellent location (.6 miles from work, probably less than 5 miles from the rest of the family). Most of the inside is original 1950's (kitchen, bathrooms, built-ins, beamed ceilings, etc). Many people would look at this place as an opportunity for remodeling, but I would so love it just the way it is (well... after I remove the carpet)... I made an offer on it.... will know tomorrow if it is accepted.... sure hope it is.

It is funny thing - it is almost as if my life reached a tipping point this year. I've always been "flexible" - changing things as needed, moving on/forward to new adventures, but I've also been somewhat careful in not trying to change too many things at the same time. Suddenly this year, I've found myself at some kind of nexus in my life. I'm making a huge commitment to change with the graduate program I've entered - simply going back to school but also because of the nature of the program I chose (and that chose me). I'm potentially making another huge commitment to change purchasing a house (I say potentially because it still hasn't happened yet and lately it has felt like it may not because the market is so crazy). My job is still new enough (not quite 2 years yet) that it feels like a change too. When I look at all these changes objectively, I think that I should feel overwhelmed or maybe even fearful, but I'm not. That is the amazing thing. I am so energized, so content and at ease with each of these decisions and the path they are taking me down, and so much more excited than I have been about anything in years. I know that by this time next year I will be a totally different person (yet still fundamentally me)... I'm excited to meet that person, I keep looking for her around every corner and in every mirror. One thing about her - she is more proactive than I am (and I thought I already was proactive). I've already noticed at work and home that I spend a little less time considering every angle and option and a little more time acting. For me this is a good thing as I tend to contemplate for too long sometimes. I think being accepted into Pepperdine as given me a new confidence in what I do, both professionally and personally. I'm modeling more like a leader and less like a follower at work. Some of that is because I've been there long enough to feel comfortable with taking that initiative but some of it is also an new dimension to my personality - sort of an alignment between the inner self and the self I show the world. Wow... that actually echoes the Zen story I posted in my last Blog... weird... cool...but weird. hmmmm Now I just need to take that initiative in BB...heheheh.

Ok... for not planning to blog much tonight... this is a lot... what a surprise.

So, time to end this evening's post. I just finished the B5 series for the 3 or 4th time - depending on whether I count only consecutive viewings (first time on DVD though)... I still cry so much during season 5 that it is amazing I want to watch it again and again. Ok... and Now I'm looking for a suitable B5 quote to end tonight’s blog and I'm reading JMS comments regarding recording his commentary for Sleeping in the Light... and here I am all choked up again. wow.

Ah... found it... the significance may only make sense to me... but this is a personal journal...

"Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another. It changed the future, and it changed us. It taught us that we had to create the future, or others will do it for us.

It showed us that we have to care for each other, because if we don't, who will?

And that strength sometimes comes from the most unlikely of places.

Mostly, though, I think it gave us hope that there can always be new beginnings, even for people like us.

As for Delenn, every morning for as long as she lived, Delenn got up before dawn and watched the sun come up..."

Ok... gotta go.

quotes from LJ

2004-08-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Not a lot to write tonight. I spent a good deal of time reading (and some writing) on BB today, more time reading articles, and then class in TI. The TI session was wonderful, I especially enjoyed the discussion about identity and how it impacts learning and vise versa.

Now - a couple of quotes from the LJ Buddhists community that I want to think about and maybe blog about later.

From 'nobody': "If I wait until I'm perfect to speak, I never will."

Now - compare that to the old saying "Remaining silent and being thought a fool is better than opening your mouth and removing all doubt." Where is the middle path between these two views?

And... sort of related ... but not directly... from karmatic_quest *actually from a book that kq read... "If we want to take away the differences that we have as human beings and build a global Sangha.. then we must learn to embrace them, not feel that we have to defend them."

and... finally...

One day, a Sutra Master came and he questioned Zen Master Dae-Ju. “I understand that you have attained Satori. What is Zen?’’

Dae-Ju said, “Zen is very easy. It is not difficult at all. When I am hungry, I eat; when I am tired, I sleep.’’

The Sutra Master said, “This is doing the same as all people do. Attaining Satori and not attaining are then the same.’’

"No, no, people on the outside and on the inside are different.''

The Sutra Master said, ''When I am hungry, I eat. When I am tired, I sleep. Why is the outside different from the inside?"

Dae-Ju said, "When people are hungry, they eat. Only the outside, the body, is eating. On the inside, they are thinking, and they have desire for money, fame, sex, food, and they feel anger. And so when they are tired, because of these wants, they do not sleep. So, the outside and the inside are different. But when I am hungry, I only eat. When I am tired, I only sleep. I have no thinking, and so I have no inside and no outside.''

Miles ELC

2004-08-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

I want to Blog tonight but I also want to eat and sleep (after QEftSG is over). I think food and sleep may win out, so this is short tonight.

Posted several responses to the ARP BB notesfile. Then I posted my personal DLC definition to that discussion board. What I wrote on DLCs kind of surprised me. First of all - I actually decided to start out in the very first discussion with a bit of an opposing viewpoint (cool but also kind of scary). Second - although the basic definition that I offered is a nice summary of everything I've been contemplating over the last several days, I had NO IDEA that I would conclude w/ a description of Miles ELC (my first school)... that was a sort of stream of consciousness surprise. It really took me back to my childhood, which is very interesting considering that I was feeling like a bit of a child earlier tonight when dealing w/ my feeling of guilt for asking for too much monetary support from my parents. I think part of it is that I want to feel like an adult who can do everything on my own and part of it is that they are so very generous and I don't want to ever catch myself expecting it (like a petulant child). The emotion it evoked was rather overwhelming, so maybe it isn't surprising that I found myself reminiscing about grade school - a time when it was perfectly OK for parents to take care of me completely.

Ok... food, QE, and Bed!

First BB question and I need to blog before posting

2004-08-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

What is Distributed Learning? What does it mean to be a teacher or learner? How should we be designing our schools (and broader learning environments I think)? These are the questions this week for our Introduction to Distributed Learning class.

I have so many tangential thoughts about this subject (what…me have tangential thoughts? No… say it isn’t so!). I think it would be best to blog about the subject a bit (maybe even over a couple of days) before I post to the listserv/newsgroup/notesfile/bulletin board/blackboard (so many different titles for basically the same asynchronous communication construct.

So- what is distributed learning. I’ve read several articles on the subject.

Here are a few links for anyone who might be interested:
http://www.syllabus.com/article.asp?id=7359
http://techcollab.csumb.edu/techsheet2.1/distributed.html
http://www.educause.edu/ir/library/html/erm9943.html
http://www.mala.bc.ca/~soules/improv1.htm
http://carbon.cudenver.edu/~bwilson/dlc.html

Here is one memorable definition:
“Distributed Learning is not just a new term to replace the other ‘DL,’ distance learning. Rather it comes from the concept of distributed resources. Distributed learning is an instructional model that allows instructor, students, and content to be located in different, non-centralized locations so that instruction and learning occur independent of time and place. The distributed learning model can be used in combination with traditional classroom-based courses, with traditional distance learning courses, or it can be used to create wholly virtual classrooms.”
Steven Saltzberg and Susan Polyson (1995). Distributed learnin on the Wold Wide Web. Syllabus, Sept. 95
Quoted in What is Distributed Learning? Maureen Bowman
http://techcollab.csumb.edu/techsheet2.1/distributed.html accessed/downloaded July 30, 2004

The problem I have with the above definition is that it is both distance and web centric even though it claims that the DL of Distributed Learning is not a replacement for the DL of distance learning.

I believe that distributed learning can occur whether the community involved is itself distributed across time and place or is in one time an place (synchronous virtual or synchronous physical). For me, distributed learning is about how the information and knowledge is shared and communicated among all the members of the community (novice, practitioner, master). In a more traditional setting the teacher teaches and the student learns. The teacher (or Master) controls what is presented to the learner (or Novice), when and how it is presented, and how the learner’s knowledge is assessed or validated. In a distributed setting, the master (or masters) have a great deal of knowledge to share and do share it but the novice(s) also share among each other and, hopefully, w/ participating practitioners and masters. The novices not only actively participate in the learning for the whole community but also help to set the direction and pace of the learning.

The most potent thing about the concept of distributed learning is that not only are the knowledge and resources distributed (residing w/ various individuals, in various places, accessed via various modalities) BUT the act of teaching and learning is itself distributed throughout the community. The novice learns from the practitioners, the master(s), and also from the other novices. The practitioners and masters (if they are open and astute) also learn (from each other as well as from the novices).

It is like the BellyDance community on LiveJournal (http://www.livejournal.com/community/bellydancing/) – all levels of dancers (novice, practitioner, and master alike) participate in this community. The community is focused on our collective interesting Middle Eastern Dance. The discussions range from specific experiential descriptions; requests for advice (on music, technique, costuming, social situations, business practice); requests for referrals to performers, instructors, musicians, designers, etc; and just plain venting about whatever situation we might feel moved by. This community is neither a school nor another organization whose mission is specifically education but it is a prime example of a distributed learning community. All of us learn from each other and each of us share what when know as we can. What is always fascinating to me is how often the same questions are posed again and again (generally by a new novice member) and the same or similar answers are given again and again by different people. Those of us who are practitioners or masters generally answer a question once or twice and then the mantel falls on some of the more experienced novices or beginning practitioners to answer it the next time it is posed. None of us want to answer the same question again and again.. but somehow those questions are asked and answered and the community (along w/ its members) evolves, grows, and transmutes.

This is true in =pad as well – but in a different way. =pad is a notesfile from the old PLATO/NovaNET system – for years it was a fairly open community, but recently, in the interest of self preservation, has become much more selective in granting membership. Because it has been sometime since any novices joined the community, the community has become less of a distributive learning environment and more of a distributed social environment where we converse w/ each other; amuse each other; occasionally ask for and offer useful information to each other; and often push each others buttons for the sake of communal entertainment. I must admit, in terms of distributed learning definitions, I’m not sure where this tangent about =pad fits in.. but it felt right to write about it.

Ok… so back to distributed learning… maybe – as I wrote the other night – one of the better examples is Jazz and Blues music. I won’t go into detail on that again – I already blogged about it. But – there is another kind of improvisation… Theater! In the best improve (at least in my person experience) each participant must make a concerted effort to involve all the participants AND the audience (who often become participants themselves) in the dialogue, activity, action, and collaboration. To me – this is also distributed learning… very dynamic distributed learning in fact.

Hmmm...one more thought tangent that I want saved for later: There is an old saying (I thought it came from Kung Fu or some similar practice... but I can only find it in reference to playing bagpipes and uilleann pipes)... the saying goes like this...
An anonymous bit of Irish folk wisdom asserts that “It takes 21 years to call yourself a piper—7 years to learn the instrument, 7 years to practice, and 7 years to play.” I've always liked this definition and have often applied it to other aspects of my life such as Dance (where I am at the "play" stage) and Yoga (where I am at the learn stage. I've also thought of it in terms of learner = novice, practitioner = practice, and play = master.

Ok… this is long… it is late… I still need to eat dinner… and I’m starting to think in circles… So… I’ll re-read tomorrow and try to consolidate my thoughts for a BB post.

Tonight, I close w/ a little Leonard Cohen (for some reason it seems appropriate).

You can add up the parts
but you won’t have the sum.
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum.
Every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

Anthem ©1992 Leonard Cohen Stranger Music, INC. (BMI).

Got the amazon direct links working.

2004-07-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

Not much energy left for blogging tonight.

Decided to treat myself right and get a massage today. Also arranged w/ S (LMT) to have regular massages while I'm doing the graduate school thing. Came home and tried to stay away from the computer.. managed about 3 hours of no computer... then it called to me. So - I worked on my web page(s) a bit and then spent several hours figuring out how to add direct links for specific books (to our Amazon associates site). Actually - it only took about half and hour to figure out but then it took another couple of hours to do right (so that I liked the way it looked). I should add a generic Amazon link too (there is one on the home page but the Books and Software page only has direct book links)... but I'll do that some other day.... I must turn off this machine now.

No real reflection tonight except that no matter how long I work there is still more work to do... life is just like that... :)

Oh… and… chocolate is good, coffee is good… chocolate and coffee together are divine.

G’Night.

Made the right decision

2004-07-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

Soon these journal entries will be predominately about OMET topics… but for now… another random thought train.

I LOVE yoga. I’ve been practicing for years now and it still amazes me how restorative and energizing it is – especially when I’m feeling less than my usual enthusiastic self.

That ophthalmologic migraine yesterday really threw me off my game and even today I haven’t been myself (light headed, slightly nauseous, slight headache on one side, sinus issues, etc)… I even went home from work at 3pm, and I almost never leave early. I know some of this is lack of sleep (got to really work on that this year.. make sure that I’m taking care of myself physically), some of it is allergies (need to call my ENT Dr about that), and some of it is probably anticipatory stress about all the work I’m in for w/ the OMET program (I’ve already read one book and part of another just to feel like I’m not falling behind). I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been more stressed out about this… I guess my body is trying to tell me that there is some stress and that I’d better deal with it or be sick. Last night at the dance studio (which was my last formal class there at least until I graduate) didn’t help – things are once again extremely emotionally (negatively) charged there… it is amazing how a community that should be so supportive can become so catty and distressing. I think there are definitely some feelings (from some members) of desertion or even betrayal over my decision to make graduate school a priority and take a break from both the studio and the troupe. To be honest with myself, I’m glad for the break. I LOVE to dance and, of course, I love to perform, but the atmosphere at the studio often exhausts me. It can be wearing to have to consistently provide so much repetitive emotional support for someone who is so determined to be angry and unhappy with the world at large. I am sad that I won’t be there to see everyone through the next big event and, of course, sad to miss the chance to perform on a big stage for a large audience (it’s fun to be one of the ‘stars’ of the show), but this is the best decision for me. Hopefully I’ll at least be able to attend the show as an audience member (depends on dates for Florida though… since the show is in Jan).

Between the stress, physical malaise, and exhaustion, I seriously thought about not going to the yoga studio tonight (haven’t been all week either). But – instead I came home early, took a two hour nap, got up, and made myself go. What a difference 90 min of mindful presence and intense physical work can make! I’m convinced now that I’ve made the right decision in taking a sabbatical from the dance studio (and from teaching dance/aerobics) this year, but continuing to belong to the yoga studio. I may not be able to attend 3-4 formal classes a week but I must make the commitment to attend at least 1 or 2 and keep up my regular practice at home (even if only a few sun salutations a day). Physically, yoga and dance do similar things for my body but mentally they are very different activities for me. The practice of yoga goes beyond the physical (at least for me) – practicing mindfulness, working on remaining in the moment with no dwelling on the past and no anticipation of the future is a very liberating and rejuvenating experience. When the physical aspect of the yoga is added to this, it makes for a remarkably cleansing activity. In dance class, I am constantly aware that other less experienced studio members are watching me and I try to model for them… that is both a teaching act and also an act of ego. I know that I’m a talented dancer w/ excellent technique and I know that many of the younger dancers want to learn to move like I do. That is certainly an empowering feeling and can be somewhat addictive. My experience at the yoga studio is totally different. I am neither the most advanced master nor the most inexperienced novice there. I am right in the center, completely and beautifully average and so somewhat invisible, and while my body type is classic for MEDance it is definitely not what one would consider the archetypical yogini body. This is like freedom – I don’t find that I spend time comparing myself to others during our practice, I try to be mindful of not even comparing myself today to myself yesterday (or tomorrow)… I just move through the poses calmly but w/ total attention and effort. Here is another kind of freedom.

Ok – enough computer time tonight. I need to take a break from this machine too.

Fear and Freedom

2004-07-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Ok – I don’t actually feel much like blogging tonight. It’s not the reflection part – I seem to do that constantly in my head and putting down in writing is rather nice. But – sitting in front of a CRT is not working well for me right at the moment - I had a weird experience today, an ophthalmologic migraine and I’m still a bit light-headed.

However – there are a two slightly related thoughts roaming around in my brain and I want to try to at least get the skeleton of them down in “black and white” before I collapse. I’m putting them in reverse time order (the second event described actually occurred first…) because of how they sort of vibrate off each other.

Event One:

John Kerry said in his convention speech tonight something like (or very close to) “The future is not fear, the future is freedom.” I think that was a deeper sound bite than most of the pundits will give him credit for. I know he said it in context of not allowing terrorists to determine our path. BUT – it made me think of the difference between fear and freedom. Fear can certainly be a healthy thing in some contexts… for the purpose of this train of thought I am not talking about that context. I’m talking about all those fears we have that are really about the unknown or what we have no control over… not healthy fear that keeps us from doing harm to ourselves or placing ourselves in harms way, but debilitating fear that makes us not try, not move, not evolve. This fear can be a very stagnating thing and can lock you in the past – it keeps you in place, or causes you to take a step backward. Freedom on the other hand allows you to continue to move forward, to make new choices, walk different paths in life, fail and try again. So – in this way Freedom really is the future while Fear is more like a lack of future. Or maybe I’m just more lightheaded than I think. J

Event Two:

This one may take more than one paragraph…

In the Buddhist community live journal today, (http://www.livejournal.com/community/buddhists/ if your interested in checking it out) a member posted with an interesting dilemma. Let’s see if I can describe it briefly. Keep in mind that this is all being told from only one person’s point of view.

Friend A is a vegetarian on moral grounds. Friend B is not. Friend B has decided to make dinner for a group of friends that include both A and B. Friend B has chosen to make chicken the main dish in this dinner. Friend A notices this and brings up the personal subject of vegetarianism and asks if perhaps in addition to the chicken there could be other non-meant based food. An argument ensues during which Friend B tells Friend A, “You’ll either eat what I’m serving or not come at all.” Friend A is now not sure what to do. To not go to dinner would seriously offend Friend A. To go and not eat the main dish would also cause offense and very likely cause a scene. To go and eat the main dish would be against the moral values B tries to live by.

Now – this may seem simple enough… Friend A isn’t really behaving like a considerate friend, so why should friend B extend such courtesy. If a friend cannot accept you for who you are, then maybe they are not such a good friend after all. But – it can also be more complicated than that. As one member of the community pointed out, a Buddhist monk does not kill animals and eat the meat but he/she may eat meat that is offered. The idea being that to decline the generosity of the offer would be to cause suffering. To be offended by the offer would be to show and be attached to ego. So the situation, in the context of the journal post, is something of a moral quandary.

Ok – so why do I put this in my Blog? Well – I started thinking about it (big surprise there). I’ve personally witnessed meat-eaters who appear to be deeply offended (and are vocal about the offense) by people who choose not to eat meat. I started wondering why people are so often deeply offended by the lifestyle choices that others make even when those choices are not being directly imposed on them. I’m not talking about gender, race, and sexuality differences here – those are not (in my definition) choices and so don’t fall into the same category. I’m talking about people who make a conscious decision to live a specific way but don’t try to evangelize others into their way of thinking. Vegetarians who will gladly break bread w/ meat eaters but simply won’t eat any meat themselves; people who socialize w/ those who drink but who choose not to drink themselves; individuals who choose not to have children but don’t mind being around other people who do have them; those who devoutly follow their chosen religious and/or spiritual path but don’t try to convince another that it is the right path for them. Why are some so offended by these types of choices in others?

I thought about this quite a bit today… One poster in the journal pointed out that, in this context, the decision to be a vegetarian was a moral decision and that often people are offended by those who make moral decisions that are different from their own.

I think it goes back to the first thought… Fear and Freedom… BUT – I’m not talking about “Fear of the other.” Rather, I’m talking about fear of one’s own true, deeper self. You see, when one person makes a lifestyle choice and another perceives that choice as a Moral Conviction, it can make them feel that their own morals are being judged by comparison. Maybe they feel that they are being judged as less moral. Maybe they feel that they must defend their own choice by condemning the other’s choice. We are social creatures, and as such we want our own choices validated by the people that surround us – if the people around us think differently than we do, we can start to be fearful that we are some how judged by comparison as wrong. Rather than simply accepting the diversity (forget about rejoicing in it) – we brashly attempt to prove that our choice is better by putting down the different choices. So – here again Freedom is the future. If you can stop fearing how you will be compared to others who make different choices, then you are free to make your own choices based on your own convictions. This does not translate to “do whatever feels good” or “do whatever you want no matter how it affects others.” It is more about being comfortable enough with yourself and your own life choices to be able to rejoice in the diversity of the other choices that are out there. To be confident enough in your own choices that you don’t feel it necessary to degrade other choices in order to somehow validate your own.

Ok… I’m officially rambling now… but these are interesting things to think about.

Hindsight

2004-07-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

Funny thing about cliché’s is that they are often true (hence the cliché I suppose).

Today's cliché = "Hindsight is always 20-20."

So - earlier this evening I sent an inquiry to our cadre Madre regarding the topic I would like to cover with my timeline. I just wanted to be sure the topic was appropriate for the context and that no one else in our cadre already had dibs on it.

Later this evening I was reviewing the first reading for the course on Distributed Learning.

Big AH HA moment... or maybe more like a DUH moment since it wasn't the first time I've read about distributed learning or learning communities. Be that as it may, the belated light bulb did ignite and I realized that rather than "asking the teacher," I should be talking to my fellow cadre members about my timeline topic and their timeline topics. Perhaps there is someone else in our little community who is interested in the same area I am or an area related in some useful way. There could be an excellent opportunity for collaboration here and instead of recognizing that, I asked the perceived authority for permission. It's odd - I know what it is we are studying and I am a fan and proponent of it, but when it comes to personal practice/habit I revert to a more traditional type of educational interaction. So - tomorrow I believe I shall post a Time Line message to our yahoo group. It will be interesting to see what kind of response I receive. Hard fun most likely.

As to the timeline - the physical presence of it that is - I have this idea in my head of how to create in Flash (it would be a very simple Flash timeline)... get it.. use a timeline to illustrate a timeline? Now I just have to get the idea out of my head and into a flash file... I think I'll ask L to help me with that one... he loves to show people how to accomplish things in flash... it's really fun to watch how excited he gets about what a program or tool can do. His enthusiasm is so pure and joyful. Hopefully someone else will want to collaborate on this, then I can show them how to create the animation. It would also make a good web gift… but I already have something else in mind for that project.

In house news – looked at three more properties today. One was a definite “no” on all accounts, one was intriguing but it gave me a really weird (and not good weird) feeling while I was walking around it (as if something really bad had happened there or could happen there), the last one was absolutely beautiful but much to far south and a bit too far east for my lifestyle (I would spend even more time driving than I do now) and it was in the direct flight/landing path of DM Air Force base – so definitely not a good pick. Too bad though… it was such a nice house as well as a nice old style neighborhood (good mix of people living there, most of the houses built in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s). What amazes me is how large an area of the city is considered “Central.” Perhaps I should ask the realtor if we can refine the search to “Central-Central,” “West=Central,” and “North-Central.” Oh well, I’m sure that I’ll find the right place eventually.

Time for some chocolate I think.

Jazz as a learning community

2004-07-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

As I often do on Tuesdays evenings, I was listening to Marian McPartland's Piano Jazz on the way home from dance class tonight. This will likely change once TI sessions start on Tuesdays (but after 16 years I guess I can miss a few classes). Ok.. focus... back to Piano Jazz. Marian's guest tonight was McCoy Tyner who is a wonderful composer and player (he created much of the piano music - both harmony and rhythm - heard on John Coltrane's recordings). In addition to Coltrane, he's worked with Sonny Rollins, Ron Carter, and Al Foster to name a few (Miles Davis is probably in there somewhere too). So, between the fabulous music on the show, Marian interviews her guests (well duh... it is an interview show... hehehe). Now - Tyner was also a band leader and during an early part of the interview he talked about how, as a leader, he always tried to create "an environment that was conducive to learning." That got my brain working; I'm always ready to follow a new thought tangent - especially while I'm driving.

Jazz and Distributed Learning... Jazz as a learning community.... Jazz as a community of practice... well.. obviously. Actually, all music is in some way a community of practice and a community of learning but I think Jazz is one of the better examples of this. Classical music follows a fairly strict score (there is some variety within the score but you don't change the fundamental notes, the time signature, the basic elements as written by the composer. To some extent that is true of other music genres like rock, folk, country, etc... the learning of the songs themselves can certainly be distributed but the actual songs, notes may change a bit but still keep the basic melody, rhythm, and words written by the original song-writers.

Jazz is different (I would lump Blues in with Jazz for this discussion)... (perhaps Hip-Hop and Rap are too... I haven't spent enough time listening to the same pieces by different groups to make an educated judgment there... that would be some fun research... heheheh).

With Jazz each member of the group contributes musically - not just in technique but also in composition. I suppose I should clarify here by saying that I'm referring mainly to Improve Jazz... although when I think of Jazz I tend to think of improve because even when a familiar tune is played there is (in my favorite pieces) a great deal of improvising around the theme, so to speak. Bebop is a good example of what I'm talking about. Free Jazz is another, different type of example as it is pure improvisation and not based on a known/favorite song/tune. Fusion is not as good an example since it involves less improvisation and more simple and repetitious passages. Anyhow - when improve is really working (IMHO), each player brings something to the table, each player has an opportunity to take the music somewhere, teach the other players by example what he/she is doing, and bring the whole group to a new level together. This to me is like distributed learning... no... rephrase... at it's best .. when it is working and when something wholly new and wonderful is created, it is distributed learning.

Or at least that's what I'm thinking right now. It will be interesting to see what I think a year from now.

Enough for tonight.

Baggage is good?

2004-07-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

No house. Well... the house is still there but someone else made an offer before me. Ah well... the right one will come along eventually.

No time to write much at the moment (just taking a quick break from work)... but I heard something on the radio this morning and wanted to make note of it in here for later thought...

Listening to an interview with Teresa Heinz Kerry today on Morning Edition, what a remarkable and well-spoken lady, she said something that really struck a chord with me. "There is," she said," a saying in Portuguese - 'You need enough biaggi.” Translated, according to Heinz, biaggi means "stuff in the trunk" (like baggage?). So - the saying basically means "you need enough baggage" or "you need a certain amount of experiences, weight, things in your past, etc. to be ready for the next stage." This is interesting to me because we so often define "baggage" (in these terms) as a negative thing. Baggage is something we want to work though, get beyond, learn to let go of, come to terms with. How often to we think of baggage as an asset and something we need and benefit from. I wonder if this is just a case of semantics or language differences, a deeper cultural difference, or something else.

To be continued...

Life happens and sometimes it's good

2004-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's raining! I love rain in the desert. It makes everything look, feel, and smell completely different. I love the way the rain sounds on the roof and on the tin roof of the carport. The lightening and thunder energize me (although they do mean that I have to turn off and unplug the computer, modem, etc. very soon).

It seems appropriate that the first really heavy, citywide rain of the season should occur tonight. Rain changes the desert's point of view. Like when you look at an object from the side and then from head on, it can appear completely different. It is appropriate because I've undergone a similar change (in point of view). For several weeks now, as the reality of grad school approached, I have felt an increase in apprehension. At first I wasn't sure what it was. Then I realized that I was afraid of approaching my co-workers with the idea of participating in my ARP. I had not even organized my ideas enough to know specifically what I want to research but I was already feeling like I would have to keep it separate from my workplace. I didn't think they would be open to it.

Today - my whole point of view changed - as if I had been looking at the situation from the side and then suddenly walked around to the front. Or maybe as if I was looking at a Monet painting too closely, only seeing the little dots of paint, and then stepped back and suddenly saw the whole picture. After telling a couple of my co-workers a little about the adventure that was VirtCamp it became obvious that my enthusiasm could be contagious. Suddenly (as in a real light-bulb over the head moment) I realized that rather than think of having to convince them to 'help me' with this project I need to bring them along on the journey with me. I want to help them. I want to see them get even a fraction as excited as I am. This is the approach that I was missing. For the first time since I discovered the program at Pepperdine and decided that it was my number one choice, I'm feeling as excited about what this will bring to my team at work as I am about the program itself. It might be silly, or egocentric, but the storm tonight feels like the universe telling me that I'm on the right track.

And - in other exciting news... I may have found a house. Hopefully I'll be putting an offer on it tomorrow. Yes - I'm crazy enough to think that I can start graduate school and buy my first house all in the same couple of months. I can't help but wonder if this will be a lesson in being thankful, a lesson in letting go, or something else entirely. I guess we'll wait and see. One thing is for sure, it will be another amazing journey... I think Mike D. blessed and cursed me when he gave me that Journey kanji. :) Most of the time though, it is a blessing.

Stuck at the airport for 2 hours... good time to blog.

2004-07-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, I’m sitting here in LAX, dog tired (need to look up the origin of that expression) and yet too full of thoughts and feelings to even entertain the idea of sleeping. During the car ride to LAX I really thought that I would just want to sleep but as I sat here I realized that I was too much in the midst of contemplation to sleep. And then I say to myself (in my head… not out loud… people already think I’m weird enough…) Ah HA! This is REFLECTION, so I should write it down… so out comes the laptop. The lady next to me glances at me, gives a slight shake of the head, and goes back to reading her magazine. Yes… I have now announced my geekiness to the entire Gate 5 area by pulling out a monstrous laptop while sitting in an airport… and yes.. I do intend to play a game on it when I’m done writing (I do have over two hours to sit here)… so Ha. Note to self – perhaps having such a large laptop screen isn’t such a good thing when writing personal thoughts while sitting in very crowded public spaces. Of course, I’m going to publish it to the extremely public web when I get home… see definition of a moot point (boy am I loopy with exhaustion!)

<>This week really was amazing (I need to stop using “really”). I don’t know what I expected, I think I must have expected something but whatever it was is no longer accessible to me. I read everything posted on the VirtCamp web site weeks before coming and felt energized and enthused (like the way I feel right before a huge thunder and rain storm). After reading all of it I was moresure than ever that the OMET program was the place for me – after all the Community of Practice is what so much of my education and endeavors (drama, dance, art, etc.) has been about… but … I still could not have begun to anticipate what I would encounter and experience at VirtCamp. And now that I have, I’m at a loss for how I will be able to describe it to my peers and family. I can tell them about everything we did, the tasks we accomplished, how we got there, how we got to know each other… but the experience is what is important and no description does it justice.

This week was unlike anything I could have expected, not unfamiliar but still completely new. This is the way teams should work. I thought I knew how teams should come together but now I know that I have a great deal to learn about teams and communities. Now – I think maybe what I knew was just a shadow or a distorted reflection and not reality.

<>It truly is phenomenal that 30-something complete strangers could come together in four and a half days and do what we did. I don’t mean the Lego vehicles (although those were beautiful, impressive, fun, and remarkable), nor the webpages, movies, photos, or any of the other ‘things’ we created. All those things were just tangible “take-aways” that help represent what it was we really spent those four+ days creating. We formed a bond and a set of relationships that, in my personal experience, can take weeks, months, or even longer to perform. Even when I was still part of drama troupes and regularly involved in building the kind of community necessary for a cast to work together on stage, bonds like this were not formed so quickly or so unanimously. Everyone has become so genuinely part of everyone else. After a ridiculously short time we have all developed an honestly vested interest in each others success. I’m going to have to rethink all the cynical suppositions I’ve come to rely on in my adult life. I feel like an idealistic kid again (at least at this moment… although I’m watching the other, darker, side of human relationship unfold in the airport around me... interesting comparison).

<>I feel as if I have known many of the members of Cadre 7, and particularly Super7, for months or even years. If someone had said something like that to me last week, about a group of people they had just met a few days ago, I would have thought they were speaking in hyperbole. Sure – you can occasionally meet an individual and feel after a very short time that you’ve “known them all your life,” but when does that ever happen w/ a group of 30+ individuals. I don’t know where these relationships will go or how they will evolve, but I can only imagine them becoming stronger over the next 13 months. I think one of my favorite parts of the day today was watching how everyone lit up when each vehicle performed (even if not quite in the way the builders and programmers hoped) and when each movie was screened. I was overwhelmed and drunk with the palpable sense of genuine support in the room. Everyone wanted everyone else to succeed, everyone knew that everyone else had succeeded and that the only way we could possibly do that was together. All talk of “winning” was disgarded. It’s a profound feeling to be not only present but part of creating that atmosphere.

<>The other thing that is keeping me thinking (and not sleeping) is my curiosity as to what my epiphany will be… I’m certain that it will come… but I have no idea what it will center on. I already believe in the value and necessity of a community of practice. As and instructor and a student I participate in and endorse the fact that we discover learning and that we share it with each other equally (rather than one individual or group of individuals handing it out and others receiving).

That said, in my current thoughts is the fact that within this community I fall pretty much in the middle – by age, by experience, by skills, by talent. This is a new feeling for me… I’m used to being out in front, at least in terms of ability or skills or initiative (if not always age and talent). I am both apprehensive and excited about being in the middle. I’m apprehensive because I’m so used to being the one that shares the knowledge with someone else. I’m excited because there is such a wealth of everything (not just knowledge) in this group and it provides such an open conduit for learning. I’m also excited because, being in the middle, I feel somewhat comfortable with the tools but am still open to learning how to use them (rather than assuming that I already know the best way to go about accomplishing the various tasks). Or, at least I hope that I can remember to approach each challenge that way. Yesterday, in the middle of the day and later in the evening, I was completely frustrated with a tool (yes… Avid) and lost sight of the “process.” I was angry not with the tool – ok… yeah… a little with the tool… but mostly with myself for being mastered by the tool instead of mastering the tool. This is unproductive in itself since mastering a tool is pointless when the tool will not remain the same. I must stop thinking of tools and tasks as things I must conquer. I think that will be rather difficult for me. That is one of the many things I’m making a personal commitment to work on this year. I need to stop assuming I should be able to figure out everything for myself. I need to learn and relearn to not get so hung up on making something work the way I think it should work.

<>Home: (Yeah… I’m only a few moments away from sleeping in my own lovely, large, and antless bed!!!!!)

"I, I, I…. "rereading this before I post it I see a lot of “I” this and “I” that… so … is that what reflection is about… what I’m going to do, how I’m going to change…. Not so sure about that. It is certainly what I am reflecting on… but I’m not so sure it should always be “self-reflection.” Definitely something to think on.

One more thing before I go to bed. This is for rereading later.

<>Our group (the entire Cadre 7) is made up of such phenomenal people. Some of the very best people I’ve ever met. On the ride home from the airport I tried to emphasize to my folks how incredibly honored and humbled I am to be considered worthy of belonging to such a community of people. Of course, mom says that I am phenomenal too… but she is my mom and so biased. This isn’t false modesty, I’m a confident person and aware of my own self-worth but I’m still humbled to be not only part of but embraced by such an impressive group of people.

Ok… Step awaaaaaay from the computer… and go to sleep.

What a difference a day makes.

2004-07-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

But not right this minute… I have to BLOG now!

Ok… I feel like saying “what a difference a day makes” but that’s far too cliché and I’m not really sure there is that much of a difference at the moment – even though an hour ago I had come 180 deg. from where I was this morning. [Christian is playing Dreamweaver so everyone is trying not to laugh]. This experience is almost too big to reflect on when I’m still in midst of it. I think I’m punch-drunk by now and this is about to become a giggle-fest. Scott wants to know what a weeb-log is… lol

Last night I felt like I had accomplished something significant in capturing all our video segments and editing a minute worth of video. This morning I tested the video by exporting the 1 min of edited material. It seemed to go fine but when I tried to play it in Quicktime, there was no audio. Then, I couldn’t find the audio in the edited file in Avid. That was a meltdown point, seriously. One of the things I really need to work on is how personally I take it when some tool doesn’t work the way I think it should. By this afternoon I had found the audio and finished our video (4 min 30 sec) – woo woo crit crit. I exported it and it looked like the audio was exporting appropriately. I shut down and went to dinner. Came back, opened the exported file, no audio. Stupid tools – that’s what went through my head. So – one of the things I need to figure out is how not to allow the tools become the process. The tools are there to enable and facilitate whatever it is that we are working on. The tools themselves (in this context) are not the priority. If one tool doesn’t work, I need to be able to recognize when it’s time to let it go and try another tool. Or at least I need to not only recognize when it is time to “step away from the machine” but then follow through with the recognition and actually walk away. This is hard – I like things to work – I like to think that if I just try again I’ll be able to figure out how to make it work – I don’t like walking away – It feels like giving up. It also feels like I’m somehow letting my cadre-mates down… not just the ones in my group but also the ones who are still struggling w/ AvidDV and are hoping that someone will figure it out and help…. Ok… time to step away from the machine…

FYI – Spell check doesn’t appear to recognize the word Blog. That is truly funny. No, really … it’s funny. HA!

With a little help from my friends

2004-07-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

Too, too late to write much tonight. Almost 1pm and I'm profoundly tired but happy and feeling rather satisfied. The first 3 sequences of group 8's video "mission to mars" is edited. It even plays in qicktime (but w/o sound... we'll figure out how to solve that glitch tomorrow)... couldn't have done this w/o my roommate (and Lucky 7 mate) Brooke. Our camera had no firewire and only a USB1 connection. Luckly Brooke was here to lend me her camera and firewire (connection and adaptor). 3hours later I have 1 minute of lovely video (edited) and about 1 hour of raw footage (all together). A bit of a scare at first when it looked like we had recorded over all the cooking footage from the first night... but then I found enough of it on the end of the tape to work. 1 hour of raw footage to 1 min of edited video... yep... that's just about right.

Now - off to sleep. Chris is kind enough to take me back down the hill at 7:30 tomorrow morning (I managed to leave my Rx sunglasses at Googies ... or however one spells it... tonight) - so I don't want to wake up late.

I can't believe that tomorrow is our last full day. These last two and a half days have been both the shortest and longest of my life I think.

GNight.

VirtCamp Day One

2004-07-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

What I wrote last night...

In many ways this feels like home. It feels like what I’ve prepared for nearly my entire life: PLATO as a kid, PASS, IPL MOO, NovaNET and notesfiles, live journal, what I do now at Misys, drama, dance, photography, I could go on. It’s as if I’ve been part of a huge community of practice for years and just didn’t have a label for it.

On the other hand, I wonder what this means in terms of a personal transformation?

I can’t see that this program would cause me to stop believing in the value of these things… so where will a transformation take me? What is the next level or layer? I think the thing that I need to watch out for is a sense that I somehow am already “there.” Maybe being “open to the process” is actually harder when you already think (assume) that you not only understand the process but use it as well. I need to figure out where this is supposed to take me, rather than how it validates where I think I already am.

The one thing I’m concerned about is that I don’t have a clear vision of where to go with the ARP… (ok… it should be about the process… but the process in what context)… And – why am I already so convinced that setting the ARP in the Misys Client Ed environment would be so likely to fail. Do I really have such a lack of confidence in my team members at work? Do I lack confidence in my ability to bring them into this in some way. Am I afraid that they will cause me to “fail?” Hmmmm… really do need to think about that. I may still decide to center the ARP in some context other than Misys but I should have a clear vision of why I want another context and not why I don’t want the Misys context.

I also really have to work on not trying to dominate each project or conversation – ok – that’s a life issue not just a graduate school issue.

And – I do hope there are sheets and a pillow waiting for me back in the apt.