Made the right decision

Soon these journal entries will be predominately about OMET topics… but for now… another random thought train.

I LOVE yoga. I’ve been practicing for years now and it still amazes me how restorative and energizing it is – especially when I’m feeling less than my usual enthusiastic self.

That ophthalmologic migraine yesterday really threw me off my game and even today I haven’t been myself (light headed, slightly nauseous, slight headache on one side, sinus issues, etc)… I even went home from work at 3pm, and I almost never leave early. I know some of this is lack of sleep (got to really work on that this year.. make sure that I’m taking care of myself physically), some of it is allergies (need to call my ENT Dr about that), and some of it is probably anticipatory stress about all the work I’m in for w/ the OMET program (I’ve already read one book and part of another just to feel like I’m not falling behind). I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been more stressed out about this… I guess my body is trying to tell me that there is some stress and that I’d better deal with it or be sick. Last night at the dance studio (which was my last formal class there at least until I graduate) didn’t help – things are once again extremely emotionally (negatively) charged there… it is amazing how a community that should be so supportive can become so catty and distressing. I think there are definitely some feelings (from some members) of desertion or even betrayal over my decision to make graduate school a priority and take a break from both the studio and the troupe. To be honest with myself, I’m glad for the break. I LOVE to dance and, of course, I love to perform, but the atmosphere at the studio often exhausts me. It can be wearing to have to consistently provide so much repetitive emotional support for someone who is so determined to be angry and unhappy with the world at large. I am sad that I won’t be there to see everyone through the next big event and, of course, sad to miss the chance to perform on a big stage for a large audience (it’s fun to be one of the ‘stars’ of the show), but this is the best decision for me. Hopefully I’ll at least be able to attend the show as an audience member (depends on dates for Florida though… since the show is in Jan).

Between the stress, physical malaise, and exhaustion, I seriously thought about not going to the yoga studio tonight (haven’t been all week either). But – instead I came home early, took a two hour nap, got up, and made myself go. What a difference 90 min of mindful presence and intense physical work can make! I’m convinced now that I’ve made the right decision in taking a sabbatical from the dance studio (and from teaching dance/aerobics) this year, but continuing to belong to the yoga studio. I may not be able to attend 3-4 formal classes a week but I must make the commitment to attend at least 1 or 2 and keep up my regular practice at home (even if only a few sun salutations a day). Physically, yoga and dance do similar things for my body but mentally they are very different activities for me. The practice of yoga goes beyond the physical (at least for me) – practicing mindfulness, working on remaining in the moment with no dwelling on the past and no anticipation of the future is a very liberating and rejuvenating experience. When the physical aspect of the yoga is added to this, it makes for a remarkably cleansing activity. In dance class, I am constantly aware that other less experienced studio members are watching me and I try to model for them… that is both a teaching act and also an act of ego. I know that I’m a talented dancer w/ excellent technique and I know that many of the younger dancers want to learn to move like I do. That is certainly an empowering feeling and can be somewhat addictive. My experience at the yoga studio is totally different. I am neither the most advanced master nor the most inexperienced novice there. I am right in the center, completely and beautifully average and so somewhat invisible, and while my body type is classic for MEDance it is definitely not what one would consider the archetypical yogini body. This is like freedom – I don’t find that I spend time comparing myself to others during our practice, I try to be mindful of not even comparing myself today to myself yesterday (or tomorrow)… I just move through the poses calmly but w/ total attention and effort. Here is another kind of freedom.

Ok – enough computer time tonight. I need to take a break from this machine too.