Circles and Prophecies

I was planning on blogging about class, my ARP, or maybe some anti-utopian views on DL. Best laid plans they say. I find that I’m kind of bummed (ok…understatement) tonight and really need to journal about that. Since there really isn’t time this year to keep track of several separate blogs (LJ, hand written journals, etc), I’ll just do this in here. My state of mind may effect my work this weekend anyway…so might as well.

I work each day to live in the moment, to appreciate each, acknowledge each, not spend so much time contemplating the past/future that I miss out on the present. It is a delicate balance and I often don’t achieve it. Days like today, I think maybe I don’t achieve it at all.

I so wanted the house on La Jolla Cr. I let myself believe what was said, that the verbal acceptance of my offer was adequate until the seller got back in town. I still want to believe it. That my realtor is right and the realtor representing the seller will realize that his ethics are important and keep good on the statement that my offer was first and was accepted. But – I’ve grown cynical about the ethical behavior of others. I don’t trust people the way I would like to and each time I do, I get burned. It is frustrating, maddening, and depressing.

It is difficult not to dwell on what I might have done differently (insisted that they overnight the contract to the seller, funeral or no funeral, and have it signed w/in 24 hrs of the “accepted” offer… as is the norm). It is equally difficult not to dwell on all the various reasons why I probably won’t get the house now (less than honest realtors, crazy market, desirable area, ‘the universe is out to get me’, whatever.. I can always come up with something).

The whole situation makes me angry, depressed, sad, and a whole range of the same. But – I think what is really bothering me is that I do believe that we have the power to create our own reality. Not in some mysterious, mystical, sci-fi/fantasy way, rather in that when we thoroughly convince ourselves that something will or wont come to be (and truly, deeply believe it) then we put into motions exactly what has to happen to cause the result we expect. I’m not talking about bending the universe to our own will.. I’m talking about how once we convince ourselves of an outcome, we then proceed to behave in a way that causes that outcome to happen (consciously or sub-consciously). Our own choices, actions, and reactions ensure the outcome. It is not pre-determinism by an outside force; it is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, in addition to being sad (et al) about the house, I am also frustrated with myself because I feel defeated and in feeling defeated, I believe that I am sealing my own eventual defeat. Wow – a viscous circle and a self-fulfilling prophecy! Boy am I broken tonight… heh. I know I need to break this cycle of thought/action(inaction)/thought. I’ve been here before (uh…more than once). It isn’t really productive but it is alluring. Each time I arrive here I try to step away or outside of it… I always succeed (or have so far) – hopefully it will take less time each time around. Someday, maybe, I won’t get drawn into it in the first place.

I know Dad worries about me and thinks that I’m too emotional, that these feelings of frustration, sadness, etc. are a waste of my time because the world is the way it is, people behave as they do, and little (if anything) can be done to change that so I shouldn’t waste my time feeling (anything really) about it. I do find it interesting that he doesn’t think that my feelings of joy, happiness, pleasure, etc. are a waste of time. I think maybe the difference is that I still don’t quite believe that you can have the joy without the opposite. You can’t have just one or the other because they are the same, just the other side of the mirror from each other. I wonder if this belief on my part is another thing that exacerbates my current situation… yet another self-fulfilling prophecy… I seem to have an abundant supply of them.

I am a walking (sitting, eating, sleeping) contradiction. I revel in all my feelings (yeah… to be honest even the not so pleasant ones). I like to feel things. It’s am important part of my experience in life. At the same time, I constantly strive for balance. I seek to escape from suffering (samsara) but, at the same time, I think I am not ready to let go of my intensely emotional ways. And so, there is a deep, personal contradiction and struggle in me. I desire peace and pure joy but I fear letting go of my attachment. I am afraid that to let go of pain (suffering) means also to let go of joy. Without pain/suffering, how does one understand joy?

Which leads finally to this question: In a quest for joy, do I create my own pain/suffering? Do I create reasons for my own suffering because I don’t believe I can experience and understand joy without it? Wow – talk about the granddaddy of viscous circles and self fulfilling prophecies! Well – at least it’s a circle I’ve managed to back into and not a corner…. There is always hope that a circle is actually a spiral and there is an eventual ‘out.’

I’m exhausted. I’m done for tonight.