“We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out.” - JMS

Wow – I haven’t posted anything to my general blog in over a week. I think I may be suffering from withdrawal. It has been one crazy busy week+. I knew owning my own home would be time consuming, but who knew that the processes of purchasing the home would be so complex? Well, ok, to be honest I suspected it would be, but there is a difference between “knowing what to expect” and actually experiencing it. I am (and must remember to continue to be) eternally grateful for the support which I am surrounded by.

Although I haven’t blogged, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. It seems I am always writing these days – even when I don’t put it anywhere consistent. Scraps of paper, old business cards, old and obsolete things I’ve printed from the internet, the margins of magazine articles and books, the back of receipts in the car, takeout menus, whatever is available when I have a thought that I want to get out of my head and make more tangible. Years from now, when someone else is reclaiming the artifacts of my life (hopefully many decades from now), I wonder what they will think of all these random thoughts in pencil, pen, marker, and whatever else is at hand. I especially wonder about how they might try to associate what I have written w/ what it is written on – will this person see a connection between the article and my notes in the margin, will they construct a meaning that I didn’t intend. Sometimes I write notes down that have no obvious association w/ the surface they are written on except that it was available when I needed it. Will some future person find some context that I didn’t create or that I am not consciously aware of? Is that what we do each time we analyze human artifacts from the past?

The discussion about Wolfram (for Gary’s class) and the article “It’s Good to be King” have really touched a chord with me – actually all three discussion strings have. I am rather bemused that so many of my classmates find the young men in “It’s Good to be King” so odd. It makes me wonder if I am that much different from the rest because I don’t find it at all odd. In fact, I was alternately amused and truly moved by the story of Talossa. How wonderful to construct your own environment and then make it a home for others as well. How fantastic to find that sense of belonging and community and to create it on your own terms but then allow it to evolve and grow as others become part of your construct. I don’t think any of the citizens of Talossa are worse off for their citizenship and I don’t think (based on the article only) that they have retreated from the “real” (physical) world. Talossa has simply added a new dimension to their world, it has allowed them to become the people they want to be and to explore other options. As for Wolfram – I wonder about him and I wonder why I feel an affinity for him. I especially wonder about some of the comments in our discussion regarding how he learns (and thinks?) differently. I think it is because I’ve often felt like my brain works differently than those around me – I know that my [metaphorical] heart does. I make connections where others don’t – but then I sometimes miss the things that are obvious to everyone else. I think what I see most in Wolfram is a kindred spirit. No – I’m not some phenomenal scientific/mathematical/computer genius (far from it) – but I LOVE knowing things. I love the adventure and challenge involved in finding things out. And – it is the act, the adventure, the journey that I enjoy most. Once I’ve found something out, it doesn’t stop there.. it only illuminates something else that I don’t yet know and want to find out. I suspect that Wolfram is like that – he wants to know for the simple sake of knowing. He also wants everyone around him to know that he knows. I understand that too. I like it when people recognize that I know things. Is that vanity? Is it attachment? Yes. Should I work on that aspect of my personality? Probably. I do try – but each time I find something new (to me) out – I just want to share it. I don’t want to take credit for it (afterall, I didn’t invent it, I just learned it or found it) – but I do want everyone else to know about it. I think I get to enthusiastic about sharing things and I forget that others may very well not be interested and may even find my “sharing” an intrusion or akin to “showing off.” I need to work on that as well… part of the same thing I think.

Sort of related to this train of thought… and rather funny in a weird synchronistic sort of way… Last weekend I did two shows (for a very nice, supportive, and enthusiastic crowd) at the restaurant (so glad business is picking up again). After the last set, I went out (as I always do) to visit w/ the patrons, make sure they were having a nice dinner, and generally socialize (and maybe pick up some business or additional tips… of course). The woman whose birthday shin-dig I danced for over two years ago (my very first gig at that restaurant) was there with her husband and some friends. It was wonderful to see them again (they’ve been traveling). They were happy to see me as well – seems they were hoping I was still around and still performing as they will be hosting a big NYE event (Arabian Nights Masquarade Ball) and they don’t feel it would be complete w/o the dancers. So, while becoming reaquianted and assuring them that I would hold NYE special for them (it is certainly nice to be booked so far in advance) – I met their friend – a “world renowned” numerologist from India. Sweet man – he insisted on asking several questions so that he could perform his numerology magic for me. So – what the heck – I enjoy such things and I had the time (no more shows that night). Among other things, he said that I am highly intelligent but that those around me don’t always recognize just how intelligent I am. Hmmmm… that could certainly make the ego swell (who knows why he phrased it that way though). He said several other very complementary things too – and none of them were traditionally the kind of things male audience members say when completmenting the “belly dancer” in a Mid-Eastern restaurant. The really funny thing was that when I got home that night, I read the article about Wolfram for the first time. Maybe the only connection is that Wolfram and I have similar numerology charts! I just can’t help making connections between everything. Heh.

Ok – this is getting long (as usual). I still need to blog a bit about what I think learning is and what I know of learning theories… but I believe I’ll save that for tomorrow’s blog (got to get back to blogging several times a week… it is so much better that way).

I watched the Apprentice tonight (also for Gary’s class). I made a concerted effort to just watch the show and not do anything else… that was amazingling difficult for me… I’m so used to doing something else when I watch tv (but not when I watch movies... I wonder what the difference is). Watching this show for the whole season is going to be quite a challenge for me. I found most of the ‘contestants’ (yes… that is what they are… let’s be honest) to be rather shallow and uninteresting. I would have liked to have seen more of how the toys were designed, more of the focus groups w/ the kids, and less of the cut-aways were each contestant talked about the other contestants. I didn’t like the way these men and women are working together “on a team” but are actually competing with each other and are already sizing each other up and trying to find and exploit each other’s weaknesses.

What I did find very interesting though, were the boardroom scenes. I very much like the way DT made the contestants think about their conduct, their decisions, “the process,” and then articulate what they were thinking. What I found somewhat disheartening was how little real reflection they engaged in. I had the distinct impression that they were saying not what they truly thought/felt but, rather, what they thought would put them in the best postion (so as not to be fired by DT). What I was pleasantly surprised by was that I actually like DT and his assistants. I found myself feeling a sense of respect for each of them as they talked to the contestants and as they discussed the situation with each other. It’ll be interesting to see how the show progresses. One thing is for sure – I will HAVE to start recording it as the commercials make it intensly difficult for me to maintain anyting that even resembles focus.

Wow… I just realized that I’ve written an entire blog entry and not once mentioned that this is “September 11.” It’s been all over the news (even NPR did a special morning edition today) and it is the first thing I see every time I log onto the Net (I should really change my homepage to something other than CNN). I think this is an example of what I mean by not making the same connections that others do. Actually – I’ve probably thought about Ivan (the hurricane) far more today than I’ve thought about the significance of the date. Maybe it’s just because I know people in Florida (including some cadremates) and have a fellow cadre 7 member in Jamaica as well… maybe it is something else entirely.

Finally – w/ all the talk of B5 (referred to in the It’s Good to be King article)… I ‘ve been thinking about G’Kar’s personal journey and his evolution from warrior to profit. So – I’ll end tonight’s blog w/ one of my favorite quotes from G’Kar:

“If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth... for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light... pure and unblemished... not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe - God looks astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us.”