Got the amazon direct links working.

Not much energy left for blogging tonight.

Decided to treat myself right and get a massage today. Also arranged w/ S (LMT) to have regular massages while I'm doing the graduate school thing. Came home and tried to stay away from the computer.. managed about 3 hours of no computer... then it called to me. So - I worked on my web page(s) a bit and then spent several hours figuring out how to add direct links for specific books (to our Amazon associates site). Actually - it only took about half and hour to figure out but then it took another couple of hours to do right (so that I liked the way it looked). I should add a generic Amazon link too (there is one on the home page but the Books and Software page only has direct book links)... but I'll do that some other day.... I must turn off this machine now.

No real reflection tonight except that no matter how long I work there is still more work to do... life is just like that... :)

Oh… and… chocolate is good, coffee is good… chocolate and coffee together are divine.

G’Night.

Made the right decision

Soon these journal entries will be predominately about OMET topics… but for now… another random thought train.

I LOVE yoga. I’ve been practicing for years now and it still amazes me how restorative and energizing it is – especially when I’m feeling less than my usual enthusiastic self.

That ophthalmologic migraine yesterday really threw me off my game and even today I haven’t been myself (light headed, slightly nauseous, slight headache on one side, sinus issues, etc)… I even went home from work at 3pm, and I almost never leave early. I know some of this is lack of sleep (got to really work on that this year.. make sure that I’m taking care of myself physically), some of it is allergies (need to call my ENT Dr about that), and some of it is probably anticipatory stress about all the work I’m in for w/ the OMET program (I’ve already read one book and part of another just to feel like I’m not falling behind). I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been more stressed out about this… I guess my body is trying to tell me that there is some stress and that I’d better deal with it or be sick. Last night at the dance studio (which was my last formal class there at least until I graduate) didn’t help – things are once again extremely emotionally (negatively) charged there… it is amazing how a community that should be so supportive can become so catty and distressing. I think there are definitely some feelings (from some members) of desertion or even betrayal over my decision to make graduate school a priority and take a break from both the studio and the troupe. To be honest with myself, I’m glad for the break. I LOVE to dance and, of course, I love to perform, but the atmosphere at the studio often exhausts me. It can be wearing to have to consistently provide so much repetitive emotional support for someone who is so determined to be angry and unhappy with the world at large. I am sad that I won’t be there to see everyone through the next big event and, of course, sad to miss the chance to perform on a big stage for a large audience (it’s fun to be one of the ‘stars’ of the show), but this is the best decision for me. Hopefully I’ll at least be able to attend the show as an audience member (depends on dates for Florida though… since the show is in Jan).

Between the stress, physical malaise, and exhaustion, I seriously thought about not going to the yoga studio tonight (haven’t been all week either). But – instead I came home early, took a two hour nap, got up, and made myself go. What a difference 90 min of mindful presence and intense physical work can make! I’m convinced now that I’ve made the right decision in taking a sabbatical from the dance studio (and from teaching dance/aerobics) this year, but continuing to belong to the yoga studio. I may not be able to attend 3-4 formal classes a week but I must make the commitment to attend at least 1 or 2 and keep up my regular practice at home (even if only a few sun salutations a day). Physically, yoga and dance do similar things for my body but mentally they are very different activities for me. The practice of yoga goes beyond the physical (at least for me) – practicing mindfulness, working on remaining in the moment with no dwelling on the past and no anticipation of the future is a very liberating and rejuvenating experience. When the physical aspect of the yoga is added to this, it makes for a remarkably cleansing activity. In dance class, I am constantly aware that other less experienced studio members are watching me and I try to model for them… that is both a teaching act and also an act of ego. I know that I’m a talented dancer w/ excellent technique and I know that many of the younger dancers want to learn to move like I do. That is certainly an empowering feeling and can be somewhat addictive. My experience at the yoga studio is totally different. I am neither the most advanced master nor the most inexperienced novice there. I am right in the center, completely and beautifully average and so somewhat invisible, and while my body type is classic for MEDance it is definitely not what one would consider the archetypical yogini body. This is like freedom – I don’t find that I spend time comparing myself to others during our practice, I try to be mindful of not even comparing myself today to myself yesterday (or tomorrow)… I just move through the poses calmly but w/ total attention and effort. Here is another kind of freedom.

Ok – enough computer time tonight. I need to take a break from this machine too.

Fear and Freedom

Ok – I don’t actually feel much like blogging tonight. It’s not the reflection part – I seem to do that constantly in my head and putting down in writing is rather nice. But – sitting in front of a CRT is not working well for me right at the moment - I had a weird experience today, an ophthalmologic migraine and I’m still a bit light-headed.

However – there are a two slightly related thoughts roaming around in my brain and I want to try to at least get the skeleton of them down in “black and white” before I collapse. I’m putting them in reverse time order (the second event described actually occurred first…) because of how they sort of vibrate off each other.

Event One:

John Kerry said in his convention speech tonight something like (or very close to) “The future is not fear, the future is freedom.” I think that was a deeper sound bite than most of the pundits will give him credit for. I know he said it in context of not allowing terrorists to determine our path. BUT – it made me think of the difference between fear and freedom. Fear can certainly be a healthy thing in some contexts… for the purpose of this train of thought I am not talking about that context. I’m talking about all those fears we have that are really about the unknown or what we have no control over… not healthy fear that keeps us from doing harm to ourselves or placing ourselves in harms way, but debilitating fear that makes us not try, not move, not evolve. This fear can be a very stagnating thing and can lock you in the past – it keeps you in place, or causes you to take a step backward. Freedom on the other hand allows you to continue to move forward, to make new choices, walk different paths in life, fail and try again. So – in this way Freedom really is the future while Fear is more like a lack of future. Or maybe I’m just more lightheaded than I think. J

Event Two:

This one may take more than one paragraph…

In the Buddhist community live journal today, (http://www.livejournal.com/community/buddhists/ if your interested in checking it out) a member posted with an interesting dilemma. Let’s see if I can describe it briefly. Keep in mind that this is all being told from only one person’s point of view.

Friend A is a vegetarian on moral grounds. Friend B is not. Friend B has decided to make dinner for a group of friends that include both A and B. Friend B has chosen to make chicken the main dish in this dinner. Friend A notices this and brings up the personal subject of vegetarianism and asks if perhaps in addition to the chicken there could be other non-meant based food. An argument ensues during which Friend B tells Friend A, “You’ll either eat what I’m serving or not come at all.” Friend A is now not sure what to do. To not go to dinner would seriously offend Friend A. To go and not eat the main dish would also cause offense and very likely cause a scene. To go and eat the main dish would be against the moral values B tries to live by.

Now – this may seem simple enough… Friend A isn’t really behaving like a considerate friend, so why should friend B extend such courtesy. If a friend cannot accept you for who you are, then maybe they are not such a good friend after all. But – it can also be more complicated than that. As one member of the community pointed out, a Buddhist monk does not kill animals and eat the meat but he/she may eat meat that is offered. The idea being that to decline the generosity of the offer would be to cause suffering. To be offended by the offer would be to show and be attached to ego. So the situation, in the context of the journal post, is something of a moral quandary.

Ok – so why do I put this in my Blog? Well – I started thinking about it (big surprise there). I’ve personally witnessed meat-eaters who appear to be deeply offended (and are vocal about the offense) by people who choose not to eat meat. I started wondering why people are so often deeply offended by the lifestyle choices that others make even when those choices are not being directly imposed on them. I’m not talking about gender, race, and sexuality differences here – those are not (in my definition) choices and so don’t fall into the same category. I’m talking about people who make a conscious decision to live a specific way but don’t try to evangelize others into their way of thinking. Vegetarians who will gladly break bread w/ meat eaters but simply won’t eat any meat themselves; people who socialize w/ those who drink but who choose not to drink themselves; individuals who choose not to have children but don’t mind being around other people who do have them; those who devoutly follow their chosen religious and/or spiritual path but don’t try to convince another that it is the right path for them. Why are some so offended by these types of choices in others?

I thought about this quite a bit today… One poster in the journal pointed out that, in this context, the decision to be a vegetarian was a moral decision and that often people are offended by those who make moral decisions that are different from their own.

I think it goes back to the first thought… Fear and Freedom… BUT – I’m not talking about “Fear of the other.” Rather, I’m talking about fear of one’s own true, deeper self. You see, when one person makes a lifestyle choice and another perceives that choice as a Moral Conviction, it can make them feel that their own morals are being judged by comparison. Maybe they feel that they are being judged as less moral. Maybe they feel that they must defend their own choice by condemning the other’s choice. We are social creatures, and as such we want our own choices validated by the people that surround us – if the people around us think differently than we do, we can start to be fearful that we are some how judged by comparison as wrong. Rather than simply accepting the diversity (forget about rejoicing in it) – we brashly attempt to prove that our choice is better by putting down the different choices. So – here again Freedom is the future. If you can stop fearing how you will be compared to others who make different choices, then you are free to make your own choices based on your own convictions. This does not translate to “do whatever feels good” or “do whatever you want no matter how it affects others.” It is more about being comfortable enough with yourself and your own life choices to be able to rejoice in the diversity of the other choices that are out there. To be confident enough in your own choices that you don’t feel it necessary to degrade other choices in order to somehow validate your own.

Ok… I’m officially rambling now… but these are interesting things to think about.

Hindsight

Funny thing about cliché’s is that they are often true (hence the cliché I suppose).

Today's cliché = "Hindsight is always 20-20."

So - earlier this evening I sent an inquiry to our cadre Madre regarding the topic I would like to cover with my timeline. I just wanted to be sure the topic was appropriate for the context and that no one else in our cadre already had dibs on it.

Later this evening I was reviewing the first reading for the course on Distributed Learning.

Big AH HA moment... or maybe more like a DUH moment since it wasn't the first time I've read about distributed learning or learning communities. Be that as it may, the belated light bulb did ignite and I realized that rather than "asking the teacher," I should be talking to my fellow cadre members about my timeline topic and their timeline topics. Perhaps there is someone else in our little community who is interested in the same area I am or an area related in some useful way. There could be an excellent opportunity for collaboration here and instead of recognizing that, I asked the perceived authority for permission. It's odd - I know what it is we are studying and I am a fan and proponent of it, but when it comes to personal practice/habit I revert to a more traditional type of educational interaction. So - tomorrow I believe I shall post a Time Line message to our yahoo group. It will be interesting to see what kind of response I receive. Hard fun most likely.

As to the timeline - the physical presence of it that is - I have this idea in my head of how to create in Flash (it would be a very simple Flash timeline)... get it.. use a timeline to illustrate a timeline? Now I just have to get the idea out of my head and into a flash file... I think I'll ask L to help me with that one... he loves to show people how to accomplish things in flash... it's really fun to watch how excited he gets about what a program or tool can do. His enthusiasm is so pure and joyful. Hopefully someone else will want to collaborate on this, then I can show them how to create the animation. It would also make a good web gift… but I already have something else in mind for that project.

In house news – looked at three more properties today. One was a definite “no” on all accounts, one was intriguing but it gave me a really weird (and not good weird) feeling while I was walking around it (as if something really bad had happened there or could happen there), the last one was absolutely beautiful but much to far south and a bit too far east for my lifestyle (I would spend even more time driving than I do now) and it was in the direct flight/landing path of DM Air Force base – so definitely not a good pick. Too bad though… it was such a nice house as well as a nice old style neighborhood (good mix of people living there, most of the houses built in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s). What amazes me is how large an area of the city is considered “Central.” Perhaps I should ask the realtor if we can refine the search to “Central-Central,” “West=Central,” and “North-Central.” Oh well, I’m sure that I’ll find the right place eventually.

Time for some chocolate I think.

Jazz as a learning community

As I often do on Tuesdays evenings, I was listening to Marian McPartland's Piano Jazz on the way home from dance class tonight. This will likely change once TI sessions start on Tuesdays (but after 16 years I guess I can miss a few classes). Ok.. focus... back to Piano Jazz. Marian's guest tonight was McCoy Tyner who is a wonderful composer and player (he created much of the piano music - both harmony and rhythm - heard on John Coltrane's recordings). In addition to Coltrane, he's worked with Sonny Rollins, Ron Carter, and Al Foster to name a few (Miles Davis is probably in there somewhere too). So, between the fabulous music on the show, Marian interviews her guests (well duh... it is an interview show... hehehe). Now - Tyner was also a band leader and during an early part of the interview he talked about how, as a leader, he always tried to create "an environment that was conducive to learning." That got my brain working; I'm always ready to follow a new thought tangent - especially while I'm driving.

Jazz and Distributed Learning... Jazz as a learning community.... Jazz as a community of practice... well.. obviously. Actually, all music is in some way a community of practice and a community of learning but I think Jazz is one of the better examples of this. Classical music follows a fairly strict score (there is some variety within the score but you don't change the fundamental notes, the time signature, the basic elements as written by the composer. To some extent that is true of other music genres like rock, folk, country, etc... the learning of the songs themselves can certainly be distributed but the actual songs, notes may change a bit but still keep the basic melody, rhythm, and words written by the original song-writers.

Jazz is different (I would lump Blues in with Jazz for this discussion)... (perhaps Hip-Hop and Rap are too... I haven't spent enough time listening to the same pieces by different groups to make an educated judgment there... that would be some fun research... heheheh).

With Jazz each member of the group contributes musically - not just in technique but also in composition. I suppose I should clarify here by saying that I'm referring mainly to Improve Jazz... although when I think of Jazz I tend to think of improve because even when a familiar tune is played there is (in my favorite pieces) a great deal of improvising around the theme, so to speak. Bebop is a good example of what I'm talking about. Free Jazz is another, different type of example as it is pure improvisation and not based on a known/favorite song/tune. Fusion is not as good an example since it involves less improvisation and more simple and repetitious passages. Anyhow - when improve is really working (IMHO), each player brings something to the table, each player has an opportunity to take the music somewhere, teach the other players by example what he/she is doing, and bring the whole group to a new level together. This to me is like distributed learning... no... rephrase... at it's best .. when it is working and when something wholly new and wonderful is created, it is distributed learning.

Or at least that's what I'm thinking right now. It will be interesting to see what I think a year from now.

Enough for tonight.

Baggage is good?

No house.  Well... the house is still there but someone else made an offer before me.  Ah well... the right one will come along eventually. 

No time to write much at the moment (just taking a quick break from work)... but I heard something on the radio this morning and wanted to make note of it in here for later thought...

Listening to an interview with Teresa Heinz Kerry today on Morning Edition, what a remarkable and well-spoken lady, she said something that really struck a chord with me.  "There is," she said," a saying in Portuguese - 'You need enough biaggi.”  Translated, according to Heinz, biaggi means "stuff in the trunk" (like baggage?).  So - the saying basically means "you need enough baggage" or "you need a certain amount of experiences, weight, things in your past, etc. to be ready for the next stage."  This is interesting to me because we so often define "baggage" (in these terms) as a negative thing.  Baggage is something we want to work though, get beyond, learn to let go of, come to terms with.  How often to we think of baggage as an asset and something we need and benefit from.  I wonder if this is just a case of semantics or language differences, a deeper cultural difference, or something else. 

To be continued...

Life happens and sometimes it's good

It's raining! I love rain in the desert. It makes everything look, feel, and smell completely different. I love the way the rain sounds on the roof and on the tin roof of the carport. The lightening and thunder energize me (although they do mean that I have to turn off and unplug the computer, modem, etc. very soon).

It seems appropriate that the first really heavy, citywide rain of the season should occur tonight. Rain changes the desert's point of view. Like when you look at an object from the side and then from head on, it can appear completely different. It is appropriate because I've undergone a similar change (in point of view). For several weeks now, as the reality of grad school approached, I have felt an increase in apprehension. At first I wasn't sure what it was. Then I realized that I was afraid of approaching my co-workers with the idea of participating in my ARP. I had not even organized my ideas enough to know specifically what I want to research but I was already feeling like I would have to keep it separate from my workplace. I didn't think they would be open to it.

Today - my whole point of view changed - as if I had been looking at the situation from the side and then suddenly walked around to the front. Or maybe as if I was looking at a Monet painting too closely, only seeing the little dots of paint, and then stepped back and suddenly saw the whole picture. After telling a couple of my co-workers a little about the adventure that was VirtCamp it became obvious that my enthusiasm could be contagious. Suddenly (as in a real light-bulb over the head moment) I realized that rather than think of having to convince them to 'help me' with this project I need to bring them along on the journey with me. I want to help them. I want to see them get even a fraction as excited as I am. This is the approach that I was missing. For the first time since I discovered the program at Pepperdine and decided that it was my number one choice, I'm feeling as excited about what this will bring to my team at work as I am about the program itself. It might be silly, or egocentric, but the storm tonight feels like the universe telling me that I'm on the right track.

And - in other exciting news... I may have found a house. Hopefully I'll be putting an offer on it tomorrow. Yes - I'm crazy enough to think that I can start graduate school and buy my first house all in the same couple of months. I can't help but wonder if this will be a lesson in being thankful, a lesson in letting go, or something else entirely. I guess we'll wait and see. One thing is for sure, it will be another amazing journey... I think Mike D. blessed and cursed me when he gave me that Journey kanji. :) Most of the time though, it is a blessing.

Stuck at the airport for 2 hours... good time to blog.

So, I’m sitting here in LAX, dog tired (need to look up the origin of that expression) and yet too full of thoughts and feelings to even entertain the idea of sleeping. During the car ride to LAX I really thought that I would just want to sleep but as I sat here I realized that I was too much in the midst of contemplation to sleep. And then I say to myself (in my head… not out loud… people already think I’m weird enough…) Ah HA! This is REFLECTION, so I should write it down… so out comes the laptop. The lady next to me glances at me, gives a slight shake of the head, and goes back to reading her magazine. Yes… I have now announced my geekiness to the entire Gate 5 area by pulling out a monstrous laptop while sitting in an airport… and yes.. I do intend to play a game on it when I’m done writing (I do have over two hours to sit here)… so Ha. Note to self – perhaps having such a large laptop screen isn’t such a good thing when writing personal thoughts while sitting in very crowded public spaces. Of course, I’m going to publish it to the extremely public web when I get home… see definition of a moot point (boy am I loopy with exhaustion!)

<>This week really was amazing (I need to stop using “really”). I don’t know what I expected, I think I must have expected something but whatever it was is no longer accessible to me. I read everything posted on the VirtCamp web site weeks before coming and felt energized and enthused (like the way I feel right before a huge thunder and rain storm). After reading all of it I was moresure than ever that the OMET program was the place for me – after all the Community of Practice is what so much of my education and endeavors (drama, dance, art, etc.) has been about… but … I still could not have begun to anticipate what I would encounter and experience at VirtCamp. And now that I have, I’m at a loss for how I will be able to describe it to my peers and family. I can tell them about everything we did, the tasks we accomplished, how we got there, how we got to know each other… but the experience is what is important and no description does it justice.

This week was unlike anything I could have expected, not unfamiliar but still completely new. This is the way teams should work. I thought I knew how teams should come together but now I know that I have a great deal to learn about teams and communities. Now – I think maybe what I knew was just a shadow or a distorted reflection and not reality.

<>It truly is phenomenal that 30-something complete strangers could come together in four and a half days and do what we did. I don’t mean the Lego vehicles (although those were beautiful, impressive, fun, and remarkable), nor the webpages, movies, photos, or any of the other ‘things’ we created. All those things were just tangible “take-aways” that help represent what it was we really spent those four+ days creating. We formed a bond and a set of relationships that, in my personal experience, can take weeks, months, or even longer to perform. Even when I was still part of drama troupes and regularly involved in building the kind of community necessary for a cast to work together on stage, bonds like this were not formed so quickly or so unanimously. Everyone has become so genuinely part of everyone else. After a ridiculously short time we have all developed an honestly vested interest in each others success. I’m going to have to rethink all the cynical suppositions I’ve come to rely on in my adult life. I feel like an idealistic kid again (at least at this moment… although I’m watching the other, darker, side of human relationship unfold in the airport around me... interesting comparison).

<>I feel as if I have known many of the members of Cadre 7, and particularly Super7, for months or even years. If someone had said something like that to me last week, about a group of people they had just met a few days ago, I would have thought they were speaking in hyperbole. Sure – you can occasionally meet an individual and feel after a very short time that you’ve “known them all your life,” but when does that ever happen w/ a group of 30+ individuals. I don’t know where these relationships will go or how they will evolve, but I can only imagine them becoming stronger over the next 13 months. I think one of my favorite parts of the day today was watching how everyone lit up when each vehicle performed (even if not quite in the way the builders and programmers hoped) and when each movie was screened. I was overwhelmed and drunk with the palpable sense of genuine support in the room. Everyone wanted everyone else to succeed, everyone knew that everyone else had succeeded and that the only way we could possibly do that was together. All talk of “winning” was disgarded. It’s a profound feeling to be not only present but part of creating that atmosphere.

<>The other thing that is keeping me thinking (and not sleeping) is my curiosity as to what my epiphany will be… I’m certain that it will come… but I have no idea what it will center on. I already believe in the value and necessity of a community of practice. As and instructor and a student I participate in and endorse the fact that we discover learning and that we share it with each other equally (rather than one individual or group of individuals handing it out and others receiving).

That said, in my current thoughts is the fact that within this community I fall pretty much in the middle – by age, by experience, by skills, by talent. This is a new feeling for me… I’m used to being out in front, at least in terms of ability or skills or initiative (if not always age and talent). I am both apprehensive and excited about being in the middle. I’m apprehensive because I’m so used to being the one that shares the knowledge with someone else. I’m excited because there is such a wealth of everything (not just knowledge) in this group and it provides such an open conduit for learning. I’m also excited because, being in the middle, I feel somewhat comfortable with the tools but am still open to learning how to use them (rather than assuming that I already know the best way to go about accomplishing the various tasks). Or, at least I hope that I can remember to approach each challenge that way. Yesterday, in the middle of the day and later in the evening, I was completely frustrated with a tool (yes… Avid) and lost sight of the “process.” I was angry not with the tool – ok… yeah… a little with the tool… but mostly with myself for being mastered by the tool instead of mastering the tool. This is unproductive in itself since mastering a tool is pointless when the tool will not remain the same. I must stop thinking of tools and tasks as things I must conquer. I think that will be rather difficult for me. That is one of the many things I’m making a personal commitment to work on this year. I need to stop assuming I should be able to figure out everything for myself. I need to learn and relearn to not get so hung up on making something work the way I think it should work.

<>Home: (Yeah… I’m only a few moments away from sleeping in my own lovely, large, and antless bed!!!!!)

"I, I, I…. "rereading this before I post it I see a lot of “I” this and “I” that… so … is that what reflection is about… what I’m going to do, how I’m going to change…. Not so sure about that. It is certainly what I am reflecting on… but I’m not so sure it should always be “self-reflection.” Definitely something to think on.

One more thing before I go to bed. This is for rereading later.

<>Our group (the entire Cadre 7) is made up of such phenomenal people. Some of the very best people I’ve ever met. On the ride home from the airport I tried to emphasize to my folks how incredibly honored and humbled I am to be considered worthy of belonging to such a community of people. Of course, mom says that I am phenomenal too… but she is my mom and so biased. This isn’t false modesty, I’m a confident person and aware of my own self-worth but I’m still humbled to be not only part of but embraced by such an impressive group of people.

Ok… Step awaaaaaay from the computer… and go to sleep.

What a difference a day makes.

But not right this minute… I have to BLOG now!

Ok… I feel like saying “what a difference a day makes” but that’s far too cliché and I’m not really sure there is that much of a difference at the moment – even though an hour ago I had come 180 deg. from where I was this morning. [Christian is playing Dreamweaver so everyone is trying not to laugh]. This experience is almost too big to reflect on when I’m still in midst of it. I think I’m punch-drunk by now and this is about to become a giggle-fest. Scott wants to know what a weeb-log is… lol

Last night I felt like I had accomplished something significant in capturing all our video segments and editing a minute worth of video. This morning I tested the video by exporting the 1 min of edited material. It seemed to go fine but when I tried to play it in Quicktime, there was no audio. Then, I couldn’t find the audio in the edited file in Avid. That was a meltdown point, seriously. One of the things I really need to work on is how personally I take it when some tool doesn’t work the way I think it should. By this afternoon I had found the audio and finished our video (4 min 30 sec) – woo woo crit crit. I exported it and it looked like the audio was exporting appropriately. I shut down and went to dinner. Came back, opened the exported file, no audio. Stupid tools – that’s what went through my head. So – one of the things I need to figure out is how not to allow the tools become the process. The tools are there to enable and facilitate whatever it is that we are working on. The tools themselves (in this context) are not the priority. If one tool doesn’t work, I need to be able to recognize when it’s time to let it go and try another tool. Or at least I need to not only recognize when it is time to “step away from the machine” but then follow through with the recognition and actually walk away. This is hard – I like things to work – I like to think that if I just try again I’ll be able to figure out how to make it work – I don’t like walking away – It feels like giving up. It also feels like I’m somehow letting my cadre-mates down… not just the ones in my group but also the ones who are still struggling w/ AvidDV and are hoping that someone will figure it out and help…. Ok… time to step away from the machine…

FYI – Spell check doesn’t appear to recognize the word Blog. That is truly funny. No, really … it’s funny. HA!

With a little help from my friends

Too, too late to write much tonight. Almost 1pm and I'm profoundly tired but happy and feeling rather satisfied. The first 3 sequences of group 8's video "mission to mars" is edited. It even plays in qicktime (but w/o sound... we'll figure out how to solve that glitch tomorrow)... couldn't have done this w/o my roommate (and Lucky 7 mate) Brooke. Our camera had no firewire and only a USB1 connection. Luckly Brooke was here to lend me her camera and firewire (connection and adaptor). 3hours later I have 1 minute of lovely video (edited) and about 1 hour of raw footage (all together). A bit of a scare at first when it looked like we had recorded over all the cooking footage from the first night... but then I found enough of it on the end of the tape to work. 1 hour of raw footage to 1 min of edited video... yep... that's just about right.

Now - off to sleep. Chris is kind enough to take me back down the hill at 7:30 tomorrow morning (I managed to leave my Rx sunglasses at Googies ... or however one spells it... tonight) - so I don't want to wake up late.

I can't believe that tomorrow is our last full day. These last two and a half days have been both the shortest and longest of my life I think.

GNight.

VirtCamp Day One

What I wrote last night...

In many ways this feels like home. It feels like what I’ve prepared for nearly my entire life: PLATO as a kid, PASS, IPL MOO, NovaNET and notesfiles, live journal, what I do now at Misys, drama, dance, photography, I could go on. It’s as if I’ve been part of a huge community of practice for years and just didn’t have a label for it.

On the other hand, I wonder what this means in terms of a personal transformation?

I can’t see that this program would cause me to stop believing in the value of these things… so where will a transformation take me? What is the next level or layer? I think the thing that I need to watch out for is a sense that I somehow am already “there.” Maybe being “open to the process” is actually harder when you already think (assume) that you not only understand the process but use it as well. I need to figure out where this is supposed to take me, rather than how it validates where I think I already am.

The one thing I’m concerned about is that I don’t have a clear vision of where to go with the ARP… (ok… it should be about the process… but the process in what context)… And – why am I already so convinced that setting the ARP in the Misys Client Ed environment would be so likely to fail. Do I really have such a lack of confidence in my team members at work? Do I lack confidence in my ability to bring them into this in some way. Am I afraid that they will cause me to “fail?” Hmmmm… really do need to think about that. I may still decide to center the ARP in some context other than Misys but I should have a clear vision of why I want another context and not why I don’t want the Misys context.

I also really have to work on not trying to dominate each project or conversation – ok – that’s a life issue not just a graduate school issue.

And – I do hope there are sheets and a pillow waiting for me back in the apt.